My main fear i think in all this is being branded, and being cut off from some of my family in the truth. I know any news of my "falling away" would spread like a wild summer fire in the dry Australian outback and with that knowledge, even some of my family members who are "weak" in the truth would be forced to reject me out of fear. I have too strong a relationship with my aunt and cousins to force them to have to make such a decision. I live for them... life without them wouldn't just be "lonely", it would be completely meaningess.
This really is a f***ed up religion if you are forced to have to make decisions like that. Im gobsmacked that some people just cant see the lack of love in this organisation. Im so angry at the moment i need to scream or hit something or cry by way of a catharsis.... im never like this... i never have such strong emotional reactions... i always have this Vulcan-like control over my external reactions.
The web is indeed too tangled for me to cope. I have always loved to have at least some measure of control over my life, but any direction i take from now on, (other than staying quiet and suffering meetings and ministry for the rest of my life), seems to put me blindfolded in the passenger seat of a driverless car doing 200 mph on the motorway (freeway)...
"I'm deeply humbled that the brothers want me to give impromptu talks whenever someone cancels. But I've done a few already, and I wouldn't want someone else to miss such a great opportunity to put their scriptural knowledge to the test on such short notice. I hope you don't mind if I pass on it this time. But thanks so much for thinking of me again."
I'm afraid that by saying summat like this im gonna sound even more spiritual than i already do. I try, i really do, but no matter what i do i just get praise for being soooo lovely and faithful.
Add to this the complication of my pioneer mother having passed away when i was young and pressure from certain ones in the congregation saying things like "oooh wouldn't it be lovely when she wakes up and sees you again"... it makes me angry and sick to the stomach that they can even say something like that, an (unintentional?) attempt at emotional blackmail... but i just still can't bring myself to just completely go against the grain and stand up for myself and go... im just too mild and sensitive and afraid... and i think a part of it is an acute fear of being talked about in a negative way behind my back. I NEED A PSYCHIATRIST!!!!
I told my mother-in-law I was gonna get DF'd and she broke down crying and said "if I have to choose between you and Jehovah, I have to choose Jehovah."
That's such a nasty thing to say, but it just shows how brainwashed they are to stick to a story somebody has told them instead of their flesh and blood family... water is indeed thicker than blood in this case.
You probably don't want to hear this, but elder's sons' just don't fade away.
Yep, you've got it right. I know it'll be near impossible to do so. Im absolutely terrified of the alternative.
Under normal circumstances I am not one to encourage running away from life's problems. But these are not normal circumstances and henceforth I say do run and do it as quickly as you can.
I want to run... i want to just sprint out and never come back... but im too fragile at the moment, i cant face the consequeces in my current mind-frame... the shunning policy has nothing to do with keeping Jehovah's house clean... its real purpose is to emotianally blackmail the shunned person to choose between staying in the religion and keeping your family or rejecting the religion and losing your family... its cruel and its tearing me apart, and driving me absolutely mad... i need a head massage... or a holiday... (no wait, im already on holiday)
do not succumb to the pressures of accepting a ministerial servant position. And when they ask you again just say heelll-no.
Yeah, i will try to continue doing that...
you're not alone
thanks Scoob
*squeeze*