Hey I know how you feel, believe me I do. It's been about 20 years ago and I said the same thing to my oldest son who sounds a bit like your daughter and always knew how to push my buttons. I woke up a couple nights ago dreaming about that incident with him all those years ago and I was crying when I woke up! I felt so awful, how could I have ever said something so hateful to my son whom I love so much although at the time I could have killed him to put me outa my misery, sigh.
I think all parents loose it from time to time with our kids, we're all human and to err is human. Our stress becomes their stress and when you have a household under stress the kids pick up on it big time and poo happens. I'll tell you what I started doing after that momentous occasion at the advise of my therapist because it was something that worked so darn well it's worth passing on.
When tempers flare and what I wanted to do was lash out in the worse way I would silently count to 10 to calm myself down and then just take the little bugger in my arms and give them a big hug which usually ended up in crying for both of us but it always opened the door for quiet conversation about what was really troubling them and it was usually something way different than the situation at hand. It worked wonders, things calmed down and best of all they know you really care and you can be someone they can count on for help under stressful conditions.
I feel really bad about it and actually apologized to her for my part of it.
That is the important thing out of all this. Don't beat yourself up over this, you did something you felt was wrong and you admitted it and apologized so don't go further on the guilt trip, that causes depression. Just move on and try my suggestion next time and see how it works for you and her, I'm sure you'll be amazed at the results I know I was.
Don't you hate complicating tough issues with personal failings?
Nicely put Unconfused!
Hang in there, if it's any comfort some day she'll be asking you how in the world you coped when she has her own kids! I got this just today from my oldest daughter! LOL It's all good and they do grow up and move away eventually, yay!