I'm in the Dallas area, although haven't been on the boards for a looooong while. I don't know what I can do to help doctrinally, but as an ex-JW married to a never-been-a-JW (for 8 1/2 years now), I can tell you emotionally how to speak to her (from my experience only):
- Be patient. She is divided and it takes a special person to be committed to those of us that have escaped. I have had to divorce my family and my childhood and not look back. It's hard. It's made me who I am. But the more distance I have between today and the pain of that upbringing, the healthier I am. Be honest with yourself: can you committ to a person with that much baggage? If so, it will take loads of patience to do it.
- Love her hard. I mean hard. She does not know the concept of unconditional love. If you can do that, it will speak volumes more than the love she gets in those kingdom halls. She might fight you, she might not understand how to react to someone that loves her for HER and not for what she DOES. See
- Her desire to go back is because of the emotional security that comes with what is familiar. Like an abused wife that continually goes back to her wife-beating husband. She will never really understand that herself until she is YEARS removed from those kingdom halls. For some people it's easier to be with what is familiar, even if it's not healthy. Underlying that is FEAR. Fear of being wrong if the JW's are right. (They aren't, but that's not the point here. SO how to combat that? Become her new safe haven. Become the place where she finds solace, unconditional love, peace, acceptance, no drama, no ultimatums.
- Create a new life together. Make memories, good things, walks in the park, long lunches, wine tastings, listen to her, share your heart with her, cook dinner for her, take care of her, be together, help her establish a life outside of the JWs, introduce her to your friends, make new friends. But more than ANYTHING: cherish her like she is the best thing that's ever happened to you. IF THIS IS HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HER, she won't be able to let go of that easily. The pull of the JW teachings, espeically if you grow up in it, is VERY strong. If you can show her how wonderful life can be with you and without that cult, then that's the proof in the pudding, IMO.
So, a lot of this sounds like YOU doing the work. Unfortunately, it might be. She has a huge internal conflict. If you truly want her in your life, this might mean being in a relationship that takes a lot out of you for awhile. Personally, I'd make sure that you figure this out BEFORE you marry. She needs to be 100% no-question OUT of that cult before you commit. The last thing you want is a divorce and possible children in the midst of her struggle. Trust me. It'll be a disaster for ALL of you. Don't be blinded so badly by the emotions of the relationship that you ignore the past that she will always, always carry with her. If you do and she goes back? You will regret the decision to marry.
I don't know if any of this helps, but this is how my husband and I have managed my past. In many ways, I believe God has used him to "save" me from ever returning. I have questions about my future. But the one thing for certain: I will never be a JW again and my husband has a lot to do with how I've gotten to this point.
Billygoat
(Hey, everyone! Missed y'all, but just busy with Life!) ;-)