GTTM, I'm really sorry you are going through this. You seem to be handling things as well as can be expected in the situation you are in. I wanted to echo something that SugarShane and Rebel8 talked about in their posts. Caretaking or Enabling. When I first started fading and my kids were still attending with my wife I definitely tried to help her get them ready and make sure they all left on time. I felt that by doing that my wife would see what a great guy I was even though I wasn't going to be a witness myself.
When she was gone I would clean and do dishes and stuff that normally she would do. It wasn't until one of my kids said that they didn't really want to go but that mom forced them that I realized that I was forcing them too. So I stopped, not cold turkey but sort of liking fading. Eventually my wife would leave the KH and ask me to do the dishes or laundry and I reply basically with 'we can do it together when you get home' or 'I think it can wait until tomorrow when you can get to it'.
I still feel like a jerk inside since I know that in her mind I'm doing nothing and she's busy so I should do the extra things; but in my mind I already work full-time and do all my responsibilities around the house, I shouldn't have to do hers just because I feel guilty that she's going to the meeting alone and I somehow let her down.
So for you GTTM, it will take some adjusting by you and your wife and it may take inner strength that you have or you need to develop but I agree that the caretaking or enabling activities aren't helpful. I know that's not even the main issue of your OP but it's a lesson I learned that may help in a small way.
Edited to add: I have since told my wife how I feel and why I don't do the caretaking or enabling tasks anymore - I can't say she felt the same way about it I did but we worked through it and moved past it. So much so that now if I do something while she's gone she notices and is very appreciative.