I’m Paul. I was born in Croydon. Have any of you gone voluntarily? It’s a bit like Montego Bay without the bay, food or weather.

Whilst many kids have dreams of getting a scooter, a bike or their internet history cleared, the only dream I have ever had was appearing on Family Fortunes. Every family looked so perfect. I never told my family but I applied every year. I imagined meeting Bob Monkhouse and him asking about my family. So Paul, tell me about your family. Well Bob

Sister – Works in sales and is a full time alcoholic

Next brother – Is a drug addict who has spent half his life in prison. In fact he is due back in next week for a 3 year stretch we thought he would get 6!

Oldest brother – Don’t ask him any questions. Does not talk to anyone but we love him

Mother – Described by counsellor as saddest. It was not until weeks later I realised she meant sadist.

Photo Father was absent as he was working abroad. I don’t blame him.

Me – People see me as the normal one in the family.

Believe it or not family fortunes never ever accepted us!

Religion

Despite growing up in an interesting family it was not all bad as I was lucky to grow up as a JW.

You may have heard of TSB – The bank that likes to say yes. JW is the religion that likes to say no. No to:

· Birthdays

· Christmas

· Not allowed to say bless you if someone sneezes – As it summons up demons – To test if one knocks on your door sneeze at em. I promise you they will not say bless you.

· Not allow to clink glasses when drinking as a different set of demons will appear

· Blood Transfusions or blood sausage is painful to eat. In fact, I think Bango strings are banned too. Which reminds me

· No anal or oral sex before marriage

· In fact no anal or oral sex after marriage

Now most people see JWs as extremely conservative. My family life was so odd I found refuge in my church I was known as the JW even other kids would avoid.

Infancy

When you were at infant school what did you worry about? Colouring in within the lines? Scraping your knee?

I knew if I celebrated my birthday or Christmas god would send me to hell forever.

Which is not all bad as I had was I knew all the non JW teachers and horrible kids were guaranteed to go to hell and that made me feel much better.

Teenage

One other thing JWs are not allowed to do is:

· Bash the candle

· Bop the baloney

· Paint ya pickle

During a sex education class I proudly announced that I had never tossed my turkey. After class my teacher was in shock asked why I had never fisted my mister. After an awkward silence I went in my pocket had a fumble, grabbed and showed her my bible and read her some verses to explain why.

What she will never find out is that I first bashed my banana when I was 21 years old and have been catching up for lost time ever since.

Preaching

The trademark of JWs is their door to door preaching work. Let me take you on the other side. Our basic message is if you join our religion you can live in a paradise earth. If you don’t, my god will kill you, your family, your friends and your pets.

So if you become good at converting people it simply means that new JWs will simply take up more room in the new world. So the truth is that in 15 years of full time preaching I never converted anyone….since I never ever pressed a bell. If someone ever opened the door I would pretend to be recruiting for the BNP

Sex

Which brings me to sex. Some lose it early in their local school/college. Some fathers take their kids to a local prostitute and others just register them to assist the local priest or vicar.

As my wife and I were not allowed to have sex before marriage as the chaperone would stop us, I lost my virginity on my wedding night aged 30. After I figured out which bits went where my wife lost it the night after.

My cherry was popped on 19 October 2001. On October 19th 2002 I remember having distinctly average sex as it was the last time I had sex with my wife.

Now in most situations you may think of divorce. My religion would not let me as you are not allowed to get divorced unless one of you has an affair. So I had three choices. Rape (funnily allowed for wives) have an affair and go to hell or stay in a sexless marriage and die a little more each day.

After 7 years of no sex going to hell sounded like heavenl and had an affair with an Eastern European beauty and stuck things in places I had never done before and nearly died of joy. Have you ever noticed how in porn the performers always have fun? Now I smile as I know porn is 100% reaIistic, and some believe porn stars were faking it.

Leaving JWs

JWs are not allowed to have any friends who are not fellow JWs. So I grew up with 100s of JW friends around the world which is really cool. Until you leave. When you leave you are excommunicated. The day I left not one of my lifelong friends was allowed to talk to me again. Overnight every phone number on my Nokia 5510 was useless. Which is not too bad as it gave me more room for my porn collection.

The excommunication also extends to my family so my mother does not know I have my own business and my brother did not invite me to his 25th wedding anniversary. Which is not all bad as I have saved 1000s of pounds on birthday gifts which I spend on my car, counselling and cocaine.

Since Family fortunes rejected my countless applications I have decided to create my own show where you need to spend the day with family members you hate. My show is called Christmas Day.

Thanks for reading

Paul

7

Barnet Kingdom Hall in the UK is a Pokemon Go Stop

by usualusername1 in

jw
friends

i have no ideas what to make of that.discuss.uun.

usualusername1

I have no ideas what to make of that.

Discuss.

UUN

6

Elders fly to New York to challenge governing body

by usualusername1 in

jw
friends

just saw this amazing video on youtube about brothers in ireland who were so upset with the ray grand fiasco they flew to new york to meet the governing body.

.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9-1dekqfmza.

usualusername1

Mass resignations and disassociations to support Ray Franz is something I never heard of before.

6

Elders fly to New York to challenge governing body

by usualusername1 in

jw
friends

just saw this amazing video on youtube about brothers in ireland who were so upset with the ray grand fiasco they flew to new york to meet the governing body.

.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9-1dekqfmza.

usualusername1

Just saw this amazing video on YouTube about brothers in Ireland who were so upset with the Ray Grand fiasco they flew to New York to meet the Governing Body.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9-1dEKQfMzA

21

Stand Up Comedy about JWs

by usualusername1 in

jw
friends

hello all,i have just signed up to do a comedy course.

it starts in september.in order to get a headstart, i did my first 5 minutes tonight about jws.i explained that i celebrated my first birthday last week.

bemusement and a tittle.explained that if you could choose between hare krishnas and people standing at a trolley/cart as a religion who would you choose?got a laugh.explained that the whole world will be destroyed if you do not listen to our message, yet we are not prepared to initiate a conversation at a trolley.big laugh.

usualusername1

Hello All,

I have just signed up to do a comedy course. It starts in September.

In order to get a headstart, I did my first 5 minutes tonight about JWs.

I explained that I celebrated my first birthday last week.
Bemusement and a tittle.

Explained that if you could choose between Hare Krishnas and people standing at a trolley/cart as a religion who would you choose?
Got a laugh.

Explained that the whole world will be destroyed if you do not listen to our message, yet we are not prepared to initiate a conversation at a trolley.
Big laugh

I asked the MC to help me flirt with a women. I did so badly.
Got a laugh

I explained about my new company JWPass where you get 24hr membership to be a JW. Especially useful on Christmas day.
They liked it.

I asked what do they associate with JWs and a guy said "Bad suits"
Huge laugh

A quarter of my audience had spoken to a JW and nobody knows anything but our issues around birthdays, Christmas, blood and our preaching.

After 130 years of preaching I would call that a marketing failure.

Will do my same jokes tomorrow and try and improve hopefully

Paul

4

Child safety in the UK

by usualusername1 in

jw
friends

hehi was at a function this evening and was chatting to the assistant of the ceo of the biggest charity for child safety in the uk.

i spoke about safeguarding and the huge investigation currently going on.

the gentleman is a member of some heavy weight committees on child safety.

usualusername1

Heh

I was at a function this evening and was chatting to the assistant of the CEO of the biggest charity for child safety in the UK. I spoke about safeguarding and the huge investigation currently going on. The gentleman is a member of some heavy weight committees on child safety.

I have her bosses ear. Do I just send her a brief email? Do I send her links to other articles to ex JWs have written? It is an opportunity and not one I want to waste.

Any suggestions would be welcome.

Thanks

UUN

14

Serena Williams is slightly pregnant

by usualusername1 in

jw
friends

what will happen now?

usualusername1

What will happen now?

15

Grandparents take disfellowshipped daughter to court to insist on right to preach to four year old

by usualusername1 in

jw
friends

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/jehovah-s-witness-grandparents-ordered-to-keep-faith-to-themselves-1.3282193 .

a pair of devout jehovah's witnesses have been ordered by a b.c.

provincial court judge not to talk about religion in front of their four-year-old granddaughter.. the couple lost their bid for unsupervised access to the girl because they insisted on taking her to worship at their faith's kingdom hall despite the repeated objections of the child's mother.. the girl is identified only as a.w.

usualusername1

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/jehovah-s-witness-grandparents-ordered-to-keep-faith-to-themselves-1.3282193

A pair of devout Jehovah's Witnesses have been ordered by a B.C. provincial court judge not to talk about religion in front of their four-year-old granddaughter.

The couple lost their bid for unsupervised access to the girl because they insisted on taking her to worship at their faith's Kingdom Hall despite the repeated objections of the child's mother.

The girl is identified only as A.W. and the grandparents as A.R. and B.R. in Judge Edna Ritchie's 12-page decision. And for now, they're on a short leash.

"There are many people with strongly held religious views that do not discuss those views in front of others, and specifically not in front of children," Ritchie wrote.

Unless A.R. and B.R. can satisfy the court that they can comply with the mother's wishes, Ritchie said, "their time with A.W. must be supervised and limited."

Religious rights vs. parental responsibility

The case pits the Family Law Act against the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

The Family Law Act states that only a guardian has parental responsibilities, including decisions about religious upbringing, and the mother, M.W., is sole guardian.

But A.R. and B.R. argued that forbidding them from expressing their faith to their grandchild would violate a charter right to practise their religion.

The Supreme Court of Canada ruled a custodial parent can't limit another parent's ability to discuss religion unless the child's best interests are threatened

The grandparents want A.W. to experience their religion, while M.W. insists her daughter "can decide when she is older whether or not to participate in any religious practices."

The battle is the culmination of a saga that began when the child's biological dad, L.R., told his parents he had fathered a child three weeks after A.W. was born.

L.R. was "disfellowshipped" from the Jehovah's Witness faith, a type of religious excommunication. He testified that he has little contact with A.R. and B.R. He also pays no child support and has no parental responsibilities.

A.R. and B.R. were determined to have contact with their granddaughter, and the child's mother felt it important for them to be part of their lives. She previously allowed them unsupervised access.

Poppa and Momma vs. Grandpa and Grandma

But according to the decision, the relationship between the "well-meaning, determined grandmother" and M.W. has been strained from the outset.

M.W. also objected to the couple insisting the girl call them Poppa and Momma instead of Grandpa and Grandma. But by far the biggest disagreement arose over visits to the Kingdom Hall.

From the time A.W. was a baby, A.R. and B.R. took her to services; M.W. said she wasn't happy, but didn't object until December 2013.

She switched the timing of their visits, but then learned from her daughter the grandparents had taken A.W. to services the following spring; A.R. insisted the child "had begged to go to Kingdom Hall."

Visits were then limited to supervised access at M.W.'s home.

But even at that, M.W. was upset to find her daughter watching a Jehovah's Witness video on A.R.'s laptop. The grandmother insisted the child had pushed the play icon before she could stop her.

Mother knows best

The judge noted that when two or more parents with different religious views share parental responsibility the court will often support the child being exposed to each religion involved.

But because A.R. and B.R. are not guardians, the court was bound to respect the decision of the mother. For that same reason, Ritchie also found the charter argument didn't apply.

The couple cited another Supreme Court of Canada case involving a divorce in which a mother with custody had obtained an order forcing her Jehovah Witness ex-husband not to discuss religion with their children.

In that case, the top court ruled a custodial parent does not have a right to limit the other parent's ability to discuss religion unless the child's best interests were threatened.

In this case, Ritchie found it wasn't fair to place A.W. in a holy war between her mother and grandparents.

"I am concerned that the applicants' demonstrated inability to respect and comply with M.W's decisions on religion will continue to cause conflict," she wrote. "It is not in A.W.'s best interests to be exposed to that conflict."

Read the ruling

usualusername1

Posts by usualusername1

My set

Religion

Infancy

Preaching

Sex

Leaving JWs

Religious rights vs. parental responsibility

Poppa and Momma vs. Grandpa and Grandma

Mother knows best