Really wish there was something I could say to help you past this funk.
It was only after I got the boot from the org that I ever really contemplated my own mortality. It was a shock. I found myself acting like a teenager and doing some really stupid things to prove that I didn't fear death. Learned to swordfight, dive, hunt, drive a racecar, fistfight (you should see my nose), really dumb stuff. As a jw, growing up you never hear anything that makes it possible for you to think of yourself *ceasing to exist*.
I started to force myself to face it. I read the obituarys. Visited cemeteries. Read books about 'the great nothingness'. It all helped to a certain extent. One thing that helped was to think about was, why am I wasting so much of the now understood limited time that I was conscious worrying about something I could not prevent in any case? If this was all there was to life, it in itself is glorious that out of the millions of possibilities that mom and dad could have produced, *I* exist! I know who I am. I am the only one in all of human history to be *me*. There has never been another me, and would never be another one. I am unique, special, and worthy of a full life. I am worthy of being loved and having friends.
Finally, giving myself permission to be happy in spite of my short lifespan, my many hangups (both physical and mental), and my shortcomings, I am able to enjoy what I have each day, without fearing what comes next.
In the end, if this life is all I ever have and there is nothing else, I am content to have lived.
Jean