Sometimes you pick a good one, sometimes you don't. Some abusers are very good at hiding their true nature until it's "too late".
Interesting prespective... but aren't we wading into the murky world of perception, subconsious choices and even self-delusion?
What I mean, is are abusers necessarily that good at hiding it, or is the victim unable to recognize it due to unresolved issues? Or is the victim "looking out" to avoid a certain type of abuse, yet subconsciously choosing another?
Just some thoughts. These weren't my words, but the words of someone who has alot more experience in the subject. I am new to it. My response to the topic of abuse has always been, "quit bein a pussy!". I am with new ideas as children are with new toys. I want to show everyone. Sometimes it isn't a new idea for everyone else.
However, one topic I don't see discussed here is how the ubm fits into the equation. I am trying to challenge the outside, clinical observer model. We are neck deep in it, and our own issues may be feeding the beast, or hiding the solution. At a minimum we need to understand abuse, and the relationship it has to our spouses and even ourselves.
In my case, I feel I have struck gold. I hope some others can share it with me!
CYP
p.s. I love disagreeing and arguing with JGnat.... it just happens so rarely!!!