Posts by Check_Your

20

The Prodigal Unbelieving Mate Returns

by Check_Your_Premises in

hey all.. a few of you might remember me.

i showed up on a similar board a few years back because my wife was getting baptized.. it was a difficult time but i was able to work through it with a lot of prayer and help from a lot of smart folks here.. my wife has since left the organization, and the wt has faded into a tiny speck in our rearview mirror that we rarely talk about.. i have enjoyed being free from the watchtower driven life for awhile, and frankly i really needed it, but i also know that alot of people aren't so lucky.

insomnia and a sense of duty has compelled me to wander back in here.

Check_Your_Premises

Open mind... not many pick up on the Ayn Rand reference. I got over my Ayn Rand phase a long tme ago, but that one always stuck with me. She did write a lot of good stuff.

20

The Prodigal Unbelieving Mate Returns

by Check_Your_Premises in

hey all.. a few of you might remember me.

i showed up on a similar board a few years back because my wife was getting baptized.. it was a difficult time but i was able to work through it with a lot of prayer and help from a lot of smart folks here.. my wife has since left the organization, and the wt has faded into a tiny speck in our rearview mirror that we rarely talk about.. i have enjoyed being free from the watchtower driven life for awhile, and frankly i really needed it, but i also know that alot of people aren't so lucky.

insomnia and a sense of duty has compelled me to wander back in here.

Check_Your_Premises

So many good people here. I am indebted to you guys for helping me through a real rough patch. Sorry I haven't been around much L. Hope things are well.

garyneal, so much of this experience has taught me about control. I, by nature, have always been very controlling. Not of people so much, but that has also been the case, but mostly I try desperately to control my life. The hardest thing about the WT experience was the loss of control over my marriage, my children.... my my my. Must be an EE thing... ... ironically control theory is one of my favorite subjects. Sorry, that was nerd talk.

I ultimately found comfort in my faith. One day my pastor told a story of recieving an advertisement promising to double his flock. His response was to chuckle and think "What if God doesn't want me to double my flock?"

I started to realize how often I would become enraged, flabbergasted trying to control the uncontrollable. I started asking, "What if God doesn't want me to do that?" Or garyneal, "What if God doesn't want me to take that class yet." In my specific case, "What if God doesn't want my wife to leave the WT?" Well you can't fight that one can you? It's not as if God was in heaven saying, "Oh no, CYP's wife joined the WT, where is CYP??? He can fix it!!!" A time for every purpose under heaven, right? Faith means trusting in those purposes, and that God is in control.

I do think my efforts were a factor also... a counter reacting force. Women do operate at a much more sophisticated level. My wife seems to know my thoughts almost before I do at times. Any time I was doing something to "try to get her out" she must have seen me coming a mile away. Every action has an opposite and equal reaction, right?

I think the UBM, once they are over the shock factor, needs to work patiently with their spouse to work out compromises to the multitude of intrusions the WT makes on the marriage. Once the many sore spots are covered, the UBM can comfortabley be available to offer welcome help to their spouse, who is truly bearing the more difficult burden of being a WT member.

Take away? I didn't "get my wife out", I just finally learned to get the hell out of the way.

20

The Prodigal Unbelieving Mate Returns

by Check_Your_Premises in

hey all.. a few of you might remember me.

i showed up on a similar board a few years back because my wife was getting baptized.. it was a difficult time but i was able to work through it with a lot of prayer and help from a lot of smart folks here.. my wife has since left the organization, and the wt has faded into a tiny speck in our rearview mirror that we rarely talk about.. i have enjoyed being free from the watchtower driven life for awhile, and frankly i really needed it, but i also know that alot of people aren't so lucky.

insomnia and a sense of duty has compelled me to wander back in here.

Check_Your_Premises

Hey Carla. Hope you are doing well.

"How did you manage to get your wife out?"

That is kind of funny because for years that was the million dollar question for me. After a long time of dealing with the loss of control, the countless fights over holidays, the kids, we finally started to sort things out.

In the mean time I truly concentrated on being a good husband, and making sure that she knew that I loved her no matter what.

Then one day I realized that so many of the things I was worried about didn't matter. She was a witness, and I was ok with that. I started to realize that by presuming that I needed to get her out wasn't really showing her a lot of respect.

One day I just kind of accepted it, and decided that I respected her choices even if I didn't agree with them. The kids were safe with regards to their religious choices, the blood thing. She loved me. I loved her.

Then one day she told me she wanted to leave, and I just kind of shrugged and said, "ok"

CYP

20

The Prodigal Unbelieving Mate Returns

by Check_Your_Premises in

hey all.. a few of you might remember me.

i showed up on a similar board a few years back because my wife was getting baptized.. it was a difficult time but i was able to work through it with a lot of prayer and help from a lot of smart folks here.. my wife has since left the organization, and the wt has faded into a tiny speck in our rearview mirror that we rarely talk about.. i have enjoyed being free from the watchtower driven life for awhile, and frankly i really needed it, but i also know that alot of people aren't so lucky.

insomnia and a sense of duty has compelled me to wander back in here.

Check_Your_Premises

My wife had JW influences when she was younger. Her parents didn't teach her much, but a nice JW lady would come by with literature and talk to her. She made a point to talk about various awful things about churches. So when my wife did shop around, those stood out to her. After awhile, when she was ready to consider a relationship with God, and how to raise the kids, the JW seemed the obvious choice.

It was a difficult and painful experience for me. It did force me to grow, and to be a better father and husband. I guess I am glad for the experience in hindsight, but I sure didn't enjoy it!

CYP

92

Dating a JW for 3 yrs

by justbreathe825 in

my bf and i are thinking on getting married.

i posted a foum early this week on whether or not i should get baptized.

i decided not to.. now even though he says he "doesn't care" he got upset last night when i mentioned the subject and how confused i was.

Check_Your_Premises

I would absolutely NOT recommend marrying this person.

I know that might be painful to consider. Maybe too painful.

I would try to think of your unborn children. You are playing for very high stakes here. Will you raise them as witnesses? What happens if they have an accident that includes major blood loss? Will you let them die rather than allow them to recieve the lifesaving but forbidden treatment?

A person either believes the JW is the "right" religion or they don't or not sure. If your bf believes it is the one true religion, then you can bet your ass that once you have kids, he will want to raise them in the religion.

You will be an unbelieving mate. You will be second wife to his first wife, the Watchtower. All major decisions about your life, the children's lives will have the organization giving the final say. Your husband will follow their dictates, and because they are from God, they will be non-negotiable.

Sorry.

The pain of passing on this is more imminent and acute... but if you take the long view of your life, that pain will likely register as a mere blip when compared to the pain you and your children could experience as a result of making this choice.

Choose carefully Mommy, your babies are counting on you.

25

How often do disassociated people go back to the organization?

by SEL in

a friend disassociated in order to get divorced, hoping not to get disfellowshipped.

some time later, he has a serious non-jw girlfriend whom he'll probably end up marrying.

the thing is, he didn't disassociate because he no longer believed the wt doctrines.

Check_Your_Premises

Sel,

In my experience, young people will often leave to sow some wild oats, but in their heart they still believe the doctrine.

This type of JW is a a common source of the sad critter, the "Unbelieving Mate".

The prodigal JW will start to date some poor, unsuspecting non-witness. Dating leads to love, love to marriage, marriage to children.

Now this person who left the organization to experience some freedom becomes terrified by the overwhelming duties of parenthood. They feel compelled to offer their child a sense of purpose, morality... a concept of faith. They feel called for the sake of their children to be the persn they always wanted to be. Since they were JW, and taught to be contemptuous toward every other concept of faith, they naturally return to the fold.

Now their poor spouse, who thought they simply married this nice, upstanding person who just so happened to formerly be a member of some wierd religion that they don't know much about , suddenly finds themselves married to... SUPER WITNESS.

oops. ouch. ugh.

Not so hilarious hijinx ensue.

1

The Happy Marriage Is the Me Marriage

by whereami in

the happy marriage is the me marriage by tara parker-popepublished: december 31, 2010recommendtwittersign in to e-mailprint</form>reprintssharea lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage.

plenty of miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other practical reasons.. heads of state .

the week in reviews guide to a healthier, happier 2011.. tara parker-pope on love.

Check_Your_Premises

“If your partner is helping you become a better person, you become happier and more satisfied in the relationship.”

So if they stop doing this ditch em?

20

The Prodigal Unbelieving Mate Returns

by Check_Your_Premises in

hey all.. a few of you might remember me.

i showed up on a similar board a few years back because my wife was getting baptized.. it was a difficult time but i was able to work through it with a lot of prayer and help from a lot of smart folks here.. my wife has since left the organization, and the wt has faded into a tiny speck in our rearview mirror that we rarely talk about.. i have enjoyed being free from the watchtower driven life for awhile, and frankly i really needed it, but i also know that alot of people aren't so lucky.

insomnia and a sense of duty has compelled me to wander back in here.

Check_Your_Premises

Hey all.

A few of you might remember me. I showed up on a similar board a few years back because my wife was getting baptized.

It was a difficult time but I was able to work through it with a lot of prayer and help from a lot of smart folks here.

My wife has since left the organization, and the WT has faded into a tiny speck in our rearview mirror that we rarely talk about.

I have enjoyed being free from the Watchtower Driven Life for awhile, and frankly I really needed it, but I also know that alot of people aren't so lucky.

Insomnia and a sense of duty has compelled me to wander back in here. I figure that there are some who might benefit from my story and experience. I sure don't know what I would have done without some of the people here!

So it is time for me to give back a little. So much was given to me.

See you around.

42

My Marriage Ending...Or Other Options

by doinmypart in

i don't usually post regarding my personal relationship, but i need some help.. i've been married for 20+ years (married young, both of us raised as witnesses), and my wife and i have kids.

my wife feels like i've disappointed her, made a fool of her, and betrayed her when i stopped being a witness.

other than the witness-thing we seem to have a pretty good marriage, but she can't get over the fact that i'm never going to be a witness again.

Check_Your_Premises

That is really sad.

When the WT became a source of contention in my marriage, the thing that helped the most was to enhance and strengthen the other parts of the marriage and your lives in general.

It was very painful when my wife was baptized, but in the end I am grateful for the experience because it made me a better husband.

There is a time element here. It sounds like this is a relatively new development, and that this new change in status has not yet been processed and reached a steady state. It will take time to hash all this out. Especially with regards to the children.

In the mean time, provide as much stability in every other area of your marriage/life. Try to appreciate just how shocking and disconcerting all this is for here. She is likely questioning everything about you.

I know this is hard. But for better or worse, right? The hardest thing is to love when someone is unloveable, or who doesn't love you back, or rejects your love. But love isn't a feeling, it is a commitment, a promise. Make that a starting point, and I think you will have a good foundation for which to resolve the rest of the issues.

And who knows... when she sees that your leaving didn't change all the other things about you that she loves, maybe she will decide that leaving the org isn't the worst thing in the world.

32

Fornicate so he can remarry??

by juci32 in

hey guys!

i've been here a while, posted a few topics about me and my witness hubs.

well i finally through in the towel and filed for a divorce.

Check_Your_Premises

Well, I presume at some point that you will remarry. So maybe just tell him that he can keep an eye out in the newspaper for the announcement? But telling him after you are divorced seems kind of silly, and not really your problem.

It is extremely difficult being married to a witness. One that was born "in" and has family "in" is probably unreachable.

I hope I am not out of line here, or being overly simplistic... but have you considered that God brought you together with a witness for a reason, and that maybe divorce is not what he had in mind for you here? Again, sorry if I am overstepping.

-CYP

Check_Your_Premises

Posts by Check_Your_Premises