I was sitting in a chair at the Kingdom Hall during a CO visit. I was disfellowshipped and was trying to be reinstated. The Hall was very crowded, all seats were taken and many were standing along the walls. My doubts resurfaced as I watched the scene unfold before me. It was as if I was the only one in the Hall watching a movie that all the Witnesses were in. I was praying to Jehovah to push the thoughts out of my mind of the hypocrisy of the Witnesses. I began sobbing as if my heart had been broken....it had, because I could no longer force myself to believe it was the truth. I prayed to Jehovah to help me; surely this must be Satan trying to keep me from reinstatement. But--the truth, as ugly as it was, was out and I could no longer deny it to myself. As many have posted on this thread, the feeling of being so alone was soul piercing. After all, who could I tell about the depths of my despair? Who could possibly understand? I was the only Witness in my family and small circle of wordly friends. I was on the outside, the Witnesses were on the inside. That was five years ago.
I waxed nostalgic last year thinking to myself, "maybe it is the truth. I'll attend the next convention." I went on the web to find directions to it and lo and behold, I got this site instead. It's crystal clear now. The giant weight that had pulled me down so many years of my life was gone and I was free. It was a bright and sunny day.