I am hoping someone here can offer some wisdom on how I can deal with my guilt. When I was disfellowshipped a few years ago I acted like a maniac afterwards. I did and said things to my then girlfriend and other witnesses that I truly regret. The rage I felt at the betrayal I felt the borg was giving me was truly intense. I felt like the gates of hell were opened in my heart and all the bile I had stored up for all those years at Bethel and in the full time service came pouring out and I vented on everyone bearing the name JW, even long time friends and family members. Right noe I am looking for redemption and even attending meetings in an effort to come to peace with it all. I still fell rage at all the lies but I figure making myself go through the reinstatement process will be a good way to learn the lesson of humility. I know you all here will think I'm crazy, and maybe I am. But the pain of being separated from my family is not easing even after all these years. Actuall I feel the pain more now than ever. I'm just not strong enough to be alone out here. I need family around me to feel safe. There are reasons why so many people go back to cults once they are exited, and why people join known cults in the first place. A sense of belonging. I'll never again actually believe in the "Truth" but it seems the lesser of two evils at this point in my life. I am failing at college, teaching and almost everything I try. I was good at being a witness once upon a time and happy once too. I need that happiness back. I am not finding it all alone by myself. Thoughts appreciated.
Yes, let it go! Here are my thoughts... YOU were only given X amount of hours in life. You initially invested UNWISELY with the JW's. You have made a "withdrawel" from the JW time bank, and have X amount of time credits left. Re invest in what YOU want out of life. Do not be suckered back into the ponzi scheme. It hurts when you don't have family, but what kind of family would turn its back on blood? Show you family that you don't need them. Find other friends, quality in nature, who care about you. Show your family that when worldly people care more for you then them, that that becomes a sad day. Go to school, pursue an activity, dream, fantasy, whatever... just reinvest back in yourself. Buy some new clothes, find new friends, find a nice girl, etc. These are ALL moves in the RIGHT direction.
Once again, do not get suckered back in. If you do, YOU will regret it. I just told my friend of the last 20 years who is a JW, that he needs to think outside the box. I told him to pursue what he wants in life, not what others think you need. I also told him that time is nonrefundable, and that every generation thinks its the last - what makes our century any different? Nothing!!!! I told him that when I have used my time wisely, and his foolishly, that we will have this conversation again on our death beds, and I will remind him how he invested unwisely. At that point there is NOTHING you can do, its too late.
You may feel guilt, I know I did when I left. But you have to move on. Life does get better, its what you make of it. Life is NOT what others say you need to do. Its what you choose to do. Like I said, your first move is to gain some good, quality friends, either at work or enroll in some classes at the local college. Contrary to what the JW's say, life is greener on the other side... Hope that helps.