When I was growing up I never watched cartoons. I didn't play with other kids who were not of the same faith. I didn't curse. I didn't vote. I didn't think. My life was solely about preaching. The end was coming and I was the righteous mouth of God given the gift of speaking for no other reason than to praise my Creator. I am the best person I know save my mother at delaying gratification. I will have sex for hours simply for the thrill of it. The end is coming. That will solve all of my problems. School doesn't matter. Credit doesn't matter. Owning a house doesn't matter. What car I drive doesn't matter. Being without a significant other doesn't matter. The end is coming. I won't survive it because undeserved kindness cannot cover over the fucked up things that I think nor the fucked up person that I am but I'll be damned if I don't save you. I will talk until I am without voice to convince you that your way of thinking is wrong, mine is right and accepting that will save your life. The end is coming and I will save you. I'm a soldier.
I fail daily. I fail at my business, I show up late to work, I don't try harder than absolutely necessary. I fail to deal with my undercurrents of anger. I fail to deal with the aftermath of the fucked up things that I have been through. I fail to deal with my hatred toward my plight. It is a plight, right? I was not born of a free mind. I was born a soldier. God loves that shit. I fight for him, so I'm good. When I die, all I need is a head nod to know that my delayed gratification was worth it. I baptized someone. He'll live. It was all worth it. I'm a soldier.
I fail constantly because I am waiting to die. I am waiting for God to kill off all of you unrighteous so and so's who just can't see the sense in listening to my carefully crafted presentation at your front door. I'm waiting to die with you. We'll fertilize the earth together. The offspring of those birds over there will pick us clean. Our bones will nurture the crops of the righteous. I'm good with that. I'm a soldier.
The problem with being a soldier is the human component. It cannot enter your mind. These, no matter their smile, these no matter their good character, these no matter my love for them, these no matter their impact on me, these are marked to die. No thinking. Just fight. Just judge. Just preach. Just follow the programming. I'm a soldier.
Thinking takes root in my subconscious like a virus. It multiplies and I am caught between my programming and reality. They call it cognitive dissonance. I call it pain. It hurts all of time. Rejecting organs as seemingly vital as a heart or a lung. No surgery can remove these mechanized parts of me so we'll live with them and let the nature of human spirit reject them with time. I cough up blood daily. Only encased in the vomit is not bile nor is it indigestible food. The contents of my sputum are all old ideas about waiting for someone, something to fix what I don't like about my life. I'm a soldier.
I used to look around corners for my absentee father. Every black man with a pronounced laugh was my dad. You look just like him Dominick. You laugh like him, you talk like him, you have the same sick sense of humor as him. But then I realized, I wasn't looking for my dad. I wasn't looking for God. I was looking for me. I've been here this whole time, waiting. I've been waiting to be noticed, waiting for my tiny voice to be unmuzzled. I'm a loud reformed soldier. I'm proud of the man that has been there this whole time, waiting for me to see him. I am a raging, breathing, planning, thinking, feeling, searching uproarious success.
CHL
