Hey I'm really sorry about your situation. I know so many people here can truly sympathise. No it's not right and it is never about love and wishing the df'd person to come back. The new rule a while back was that certain chosen sheeple could make ministry calls on the df'd to encourage them back and to talk spiritually with these ones! Elder approved nominees of course. Bizarre little rules they make up for themselves. I have discussed many times with my elder bro about having a family gathering for my Mum including my df'd bro while she is still alive instead of an awkward funeral but no way. Could not put aside faith for a day. I've argued that IS their faith so weak that their conscience be that affected by showing love for our Mum?
I really think that in their heads they get kudos from big J or the borg for displaying such unfaltering loyalty. I have given up that score but point out the hypocrisy of talking to me or my nieces who no longer practice that in all reality we are just the same sinners but eh - we don't have a label or were clever enough to be 'sorry' and not get the label.
It's like banging your head into a watermelon. Why do it, it's silly but very funny. You have some really great advice in these posts and really wish you well but remember to love yourself first and forgive yourself first. You may well be able to forgive your folks then. Cheers