AP- October 21, 2029
New York
In a long awaited move, agents of the federally mandated “Religious Fraud and Anti-Cult” task force raided offices of the Watch Tower Bible & Tract Society today. This action, which was heralded by the Societies many opponents, marked the closing of one of the last functioning cults left in the continental USA, and ended the dubious, 140 history of a group who proclaimed themselves to be “God’s channel of communication on earth.”
No word from God as yet on this event.
Handcuffed, and led by agents from the Society’s Brooklyn headquarters was Robert King (AKA: YouKnow), the last “professed” member of the “anointed remnant” who held the position of corporate president (North America operations) and who was the leader of the cult’s “Governing Body” at the time of his arrest.
Mr. King was heckled by “great crowds” of people as he was escorted to an armored vehicle in preparation for his transport to a facility especially designed to house current and former cult members convicted of various crimes. Many in the crowd shouted obscenities at King, while waving multi-paged print outs of his many failed prophetic speculations that had been widely published on the group’s Internet home page.
This group, long known (and much hated) in the past for its annoying door to door proselytizing activities, had in the past 10 years, been confined by law to utilizing only non-personal conventional media outlets.
Upon questioning, sources close to the investigation (know only as AF, Norm, Maximus, and Farkle) claimed that the continued failure of a single one of the Society’s predictions marking the arrival of Armageddon (an obscure biblical term) drove Mr. King and his cronies to near desperation, as they watched the cults membership dwindle to less then 100 thousand. Down from the millions enjoyed in the heydays of the last decade of the 20th century.
Enforcement arms of the Security and Exchange Commission jointly spearheaded the investigation. It had been observed that Mr. King had been attempting to utilize his group’s few remaining financial assets in a desperate, hopeless attempt to bring about his perpetually predicted collapse of the world’s economic systems.
Mr. King is expected to plead guilty to stock fraud, in addition to having been charged with a multitude of other recently enacted anti-cult law violations. These charges could bring about a life sentence – as Mr. King expects to live forever, this could mean a very long prison stay indeed.
While being led away, in alternating fits of weeping and frothing at the mouth, Mr. King could be heard to mutter numerous out of context bible verses, and was heard saying soon, soon, soon, over and over again. His claim that someone named “Jehovah,” would send fire from the sky to effect his rescue and ascension to heaven, have as yet gone unrealized. Federal authorities are not taking this “threat” seriously at this time.
A panel of leading physiatrists will have to certify Mr. King as sane and fit to stand trial (very doubtful under the circumstances), before the case can progress to trial.
Your reporter on the scene. . .
Copernicus