Posts by bigwilly

9

fluff How many email addresses do you have?

by rebel8 in

2 for work (that divert into the same inbox) .

1 for ex-jw related stuff .

1 for spam, basically used for ebay and for friends/relatives who won't stop forwarding dumb pictures, jokes, etc.

bigwilly

Looks like 4

1 for work (or weekday contact point)

1 gmail for home email

1 yahoo for IM

1 hotmail for MSN messenger

24

Full Circle. . .

by bigwilly in

its odd to me when and where things change for me.

this last friday i went out with friends and a cousin i hadnt seen in over a year.

i also went out in a part of town i hadnt spent time in for years.

I'm sweating,
and breathing
and staring and thinking
and sinking
deeper.
It's almost like I'm swimming.

The sun is burning hot again
on the hunter
and the fisherman,
and he's trying to remember when,
but it makes him dizzy.

Seems like I've been here before.
Seems so familiar.
Seems like I'm slipping
into a dream within a dream.

Must be the way you whisper.

The sun is setting cool again.
I'm the thinker
and the fisherman
and I'm trying to remember when
but it makes me dizzy.
and I'm sweating,
and breathing,
and staring and thinking
and sinking
deeper
and it's almost like I'm swimming.

Seems like I've been here before.
Seems so familiar.
Seems like I'm slipping
into a dream within a dream.
It's the way you whisper.
It drags me under
and takes me home.

24

Full Circle. . .

by bigwilly in

its odd to me when and where things change for me.

this last friday i went out with friends and a cousin i hadnt seen in over a year.

i also went out in a part of town i hadnt spent time in for years.

bigwilly

There you are. Much nicer than the devil....or is that better dan da' devil?

Coming from you I'll take either Sparks

24

Full Circle. . .

by bigwilly in

its odd to me when and where things change for me.

this last friday i went out with friends and a cousin i hadnt seen in over a year.

i also went out in a part of town i hadnt spent time in for years.

bigwilly

Great post...........When....am I going to get the pleasure of meeting you my friend? I ate at "Jarra's" 14th and Hawthorne, Saturday night just a few blocks away

I love Jarra's! Any time you can roll into a little bar and have amazing Ethiopian food is a good time!

As far as the meeting, I am hoping we can have a local apostafest soon. Otherwise I'll try to make it a point to make your aquaintance in the near future.

24

Full Circle. . .

by bigwilly in

its odd to me when and where things change for me.

this last friday i went out with friends and a cousin i hadnt seen in over a year.

i also went out in a part of town i hadnt spent time in for years.

bigwilly

Working on it hun (it's smarter than me) but here's a sneak peek for ya

24

Full Circle. . .

by bigwilly in

its odd to me when and where things change for me.

this last friday i went out with friends and a cousin i hadnt seen in over a year.

i also went out in a part of town i hadnt spent time in for years.

bigwilly

For you I'll change my av

If I can manage the finances I will be at the fest in May (keep your fingers crossed) and of course the kilt will come with me

24

Full Circle. . .

by bigwilly in

its odd to me when and where things change for me.

this last friday i went out with friends and a cousin i hadnt seen in over a year.

i also went out in a part of town i hadnt spent time in for years.

bigwilly

I was good before, but am even better now

24

Full Circle. . .

by bigwilly in

its odd to me when and where things change for me.

this last friday i went out with friends and a cousin i hadnt seen in over a year.

i also went out in a part of town i hadnt spent time in for years.

bigwilly

Thank you all, I have had some life changes of late (rather not get into) which have given me pause for inner reflection. Mixed with this particular experience it has led to some soul searching and an awakening of sorts. It's rare that I put so much to "paper" and even more rare that I post more than a few sentences on any discussion board. But, as my post and the song quoted say; I feel myself changing. It's truly exciting and I appreciate the opportunity to share with you.

24

Full Circle. . .

by bigwilly in

its odd to me when and where things change for me.

this last friday i went out with friends and a cousin i hadnt seen in over a year.

i also went out in a part of town i hadnt spent time in for years.

bigwilly

Tool - "Forty-Six & 2" Join in my
Join in my child
and listen ...
Digging through
My old numb shadow

My shadow's
Shedding skin
and I've been picking
scabs again.
I'm down
digging through
my old muscles
for a clue.
I've been crawling on my belly
clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
and insecure delusions
for a piece to cross me over
or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding
in (my shadow. 2x)
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's
shedding skin.
I've been picking
my scabs again.

Join in my
Join in my child,
my shadow moves,
closer to me

I've been crawling on my belly
clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic,
insecure delusions.
I wanna feel the change consume me,
feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
cleansing I've endured in,
(my shadow. 2x)
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.

I,
choose to live and to,
grow,
take and give and to,
move,
learn and love and to,
cry,
kill and die and to,
be,
paranoid and to,
lie,
hate and fear and to,
do,
what it takes to move through.

I choose to live and to,
lie,
kill and give and to,
die,
learn and love and to,
do,
what it takes to step through.

See my shadow changing,
stretching up and over me
soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way by
stepping through my shadow,
coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two
are just ahead of me.

24

Full Circle. . .

by bigwilly in

its odd to me when and where things change for me.

this last friday i went out with friends and a cousin i hadnt seen in over a year.

i also went out in a part of town i hadnt spent time in for years.

bigwilly

It’s odd to me when and where things change for me. This last Friday I went out with friends and a cousin I hadn’t seen in over a year. I also went out in a part of town I hadn’t spent time in for years. From a strictly party perspective, I had possibly the most fun I have had going out in years. I simply love southeast Portland (the Hawthorne Disctict in particular), I love the funky little bars and businesses, I love the odd assortment of people, I love the feel of the whole neighborhood. I partied like I haven’t partied since my early 20’s (but with slightly more self control) and had so much fun. But that’s not what this post is about.

When I first moved to Oregon at age 20 and began my fade from the borg, I spent a lot of time with my sister and her friends who lived in the Hawthorne area. I have very fond memories of that time of awakening and adventure and find myself a bit nostalgic every time I return to that neighborhood. Saturday when I woke up (stayed with my cousin and his roommate/gf) we went to the same greasy spoon breakfast place I used to go for stoned/hungover breakfast ten plus years ago. As we sat there eating breakfast I gazed out the window at the gas station where I bought my first pack of cigarettes. I couldn’t help but smile to myself at the warmth I felt being there again.

After breakfast my company left for their respective jobs and I was left to myself to walk the thirty blocks or so to where I had left my car the night before. As I walked past the streets I used to walk almost every weekend eleven years ago I could feel a warmth an contentment building in my soul. When I turned onto Hawthorne Boulevard I was greeted with on of the most diverse groupings of people, businesses and arts anywhere. As I walked the twenty blocks down Hawthorne to my car I could feel the joy welling within, the love of the town, the love of the culture and an inner peace I haven’t felt in a very long time. I fought back the lump in my throat which threatens even as I write this to bring a tear to my eye, while embracing the growing fire in my belly. It was so good to feel alive, to feel hungry, to feel hopeful. This was the inspiration I needed so badly, the time and place to reawaken long subdued passion for art and life.

It seemed fitting somehow that as I stand here on the edge of a new life stage and adventure, that I should be in the same physical place I was for my last beginning. But this time I’m seeing it thru different eyes. Rather than escaping from a life of oppression as I was before, this time I come to the precipice to jump I do so knowing my wings will carry me. I feel alive, no longer willing to shuffle along, no longer willing to be passive.

So here I am, come full circle to where I started. I can feel my creative juices surging and giving me the drive to pursue my dreams. I owe an immense debt of thanks to those of you that have been here for me and supported me, in particular a couple of close friends that have opened my eyes to possibilities I would have never considered on my own.