Cordelia, hopefully this helps, My peronal experience is as follows. I was born & raised "in", around the age of 20 I moved to another state, Partly this was to establish my own identity as my dad was a well known elder and I felt I was living in his shadow. When i moved, i had no plans to fade or leave the "truth". I made a wholehearted attempt to maintain a "spiritual" way of life, unfortunately this just didn't work out. After recieving a very cold reception at the new local congo, i found myself spending more time with my sister and her "worldly" housemates. Where the congo had had nothing to do with me (with the exception of one elder that said "hi" twice and visited after I quit attending) my sister's housemates/friends welcomed me with open arms and treated me as one of their own. I quit attending meetings when I was spending my weekends drinking beers and smoking pot. I felt pretty hypocritical at that point, and stoppped going the day I smoked a cigarette on the way to the k-hall (I'm a little slow on the uptake). After some time away I began to realize alot of untruths about the Jw religion. I had no longer believed all of the doctrines put forth, and expressed this to my parents when they asked why I was not attending meetings. When I told them I would only be attending for the wrong reasons (aka to keep them happy) they told me I should attend even if it was for the wrong reasons to "get back into the habit an dreturn to the flock". This seemd very hypocritical to me. I never did return to the meetings, and spent 10 years avoiding the subject so as not to hurt their feelings. Over time with many guilt trips and unforgivables (not attending my wedding) I ceased padding thier egos. I can identify with you on many levels, we are all raised to avoid confrontation & causing any sort of ripples or discomfort to others. My mom reminds me alot of what you have said about your father, she is very sensitive and has literally sacrifice her health to make other people (the church) happy. She has chronic fatigue syndrome and still feels guilty if she is not pioneering. After a few years of not seeing them, I visited. They seemed so old and weak I couldn't bring myself to "break their hearts" by telling them it was over as regards to the church. for the next several years we played the "don't ask. don't tell" policy. Basically, we drug out the seperation for 10 years. From personal experience I can tell you that avoidance is NOT the best policy. You are much better off to mnake your decision known now than to wait for years & years for the same end result. If you don't believe it, it's unfair to your family, boyfriend & especially yourslef to drag this out. You seem to be a very intelligent and caring person, you owe it to yourself and those who love you to be who you are and be happy. I think that, while there may be some unhappiness now, If your parents really love you as they claim, they will come out the other side bette for it in the long run. In my case, my family's love s very conditional. They cannot appreciate me for the person I am or the good I have accomplished in my life, all they see is my failure to be what they wanted. Yourr family sounds much more accepting, If your father is 1/2 the man you say he is, he will always love you as his daughter. Trust me, it's not worth acting to preserve the peace. It will only lead to heartache and pain down the road. all said, I hope this transition (or not) works out for you & your best interest. Please know myself and many others are here for you and will provide all the emotional support we can, no matter what your decision regarding your family and your faith. Big hugs & much love, Big Willy
