"If the other elders in the congregation knew I was doing this I would be instantly removed as an elder and then probably be in front of a judicial committee very soon."
That you are right about. I discovered things during prep for a public talk 13 years ago that led me where I am today successfully faded out of the Org. But don't revel anything too personal and just don't stress to much we all started right where youare and we all survived many of us former elders MS Bethelites pioneers and soem forme DO's and CO's. Remember the Truth has nothing to fear from the lie but once you know it you can't unknow it.
Welcome and know your not alone