My mother died over 19 years ago. She was a very, very difficult person and never once in my life did she say to me: "I love you." She never expressed this to any of my sisters or brother either. On her deathbed, I lay across her body crying and sobbing for what seemed like an eternity. I cried not for her death but for the lost family life and all the opportunities for love, affection and family unity that she threw away. I cried for all the pain she caused us. I cried not for my mother but because my siblings and I really never had a 'mother'. Go ahead and cry Zoos. Cry not for the mother that you did have but for the mother you should have had.
Sorry for your loss.