Posts by detective

43

Our Second Un-Invitation Card

by ozziepost in

some of you may remember the post about the un-invitation card which is sent to da/df persons who have previously been invited to a wedding.

the un-invitation card tells them not to turn up!.

http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.asp?id=27313&site=3.

detective

I'm sorry. I'm very sorry that you have to go through this. Nobody should have to go through this type of thing.

7

Corrupt congregations

by Insider in

do corrupt congregations exist?

some feel they do.

others would categorically deny it.

i don't know if anyone has said this before, but i wanted to say a big thank you to all of you non-jw's who have put up with us and stayed with us and helped us out so much.. i know offhand: jerome, detective, and hawkaw.

i know there are many many more of you, but please step up here and take a very well-deserved bow and get a very well-deserved hand from me and from others..

salute!!!!!

detective

Thanks for the nice words, folks!

Hey Willy-think,
I'm in Somerville and Cambridge quite often. Ummmm, never to visit a kingdom hall though! Just wanted to say hello to a fellow Baystater (even if you don't call the Baystate home anymore).

23

My Original Identity?

by Cassiline in

i just purchased, combatting cult mind control by steven hassan.. while reading i came across this comment,.

usually i am able to assist a person in making a dramatic recovery to his original identity.. -steven hassan.

i reread that statement over and over.

detective

Hi Cass,
if I remember correctly, Steve Hassan might have also mentioned "authentic" identity (and also 'cult" identity) in one of his books. I've read them both so I don't remember where I read that exactly.
I can say that I've really seen the "authentic" personality in action with my jw friend. I've also seen the dramatic difference as the "cult" personality kicks in. In my friends case, the authentic personality is kind and warm. He's reasonable and open-minded. He has a range of emotions as his authentic personality that doesn't seem stunted or forced.

His cult personality is remarkably different. Physically- his eyes lack focus and seem glazed or hypnotized. He's stand-offish and cold. He's judgmental, but it never comes off as he really quite believes what he's saying.

What i'm thinking, Cass, is that maybe this isn't about "original" but more so about "authentic" personality. My friend was raised in the organization from age four/five so his "original" personality wouldn't be easy to remember!

15

Advice needed- please help!

by detective in

jw
friends

yesterday i received a surprise phone call from my jw friend.

we met up and uhhh, it was quite the mind-blowing event.

i can't believe it.

detective

Wow! Thanks so much for the great advice everybody. I'm still not entirely sure how to proceed, but I'm still trying to come to terms with the shocking change of stance on his part. I've known for a long time that he wasn't happy in the organization but I really didn't expect him to come clean. It's funny in that when he contacted me, he seemed pretty happy. As if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Maybe just admitting that he doesn't want to be a witness is a big release for him.
I know that this is only the beginning. It's only been two days since he's told me and I'm thinking it's still a little early to tell just how this will play out. He has already mentioned telling his family and said that he knows he'll disappoint alot of people. He's already disfellowshipped but was working towards being re-instated. I suspect that since he knows he's been unhappy for a long time, he finally decided to stop going to meetings. He didn't say how long he hasn't been attending, just that he hasn't been and he's known for a long time that he really didn't want to be a witness. He focuses quite a bit on going to meetings and how he never really enjoyed them.

To answer your question Teejay, I have been left in out the cold by him in the past. I feel like I bent over backwards sometimes to make things easier on him, even when it was to my own emotional detriment. I will help him, but I won't be able to be close to him if he doesn't try to release the shackles within his head and heart. I've been there before. It hurt. Alot.

I know I need to keep the lines of communication open but I don't want to spook him. On the other hand, if I'm to really get close to him again as a person, I'll need him to research it at some point. right now, he still seems to think that his not wanting to participate is something of a short-coming on his part. In order to really trust him, I'll need to see him be prepared to address his fears. Telling his parents will be a big first step, but I will need him to try and speak to others who have been there, or read some books at some point. Not because I think I should be able to tell him what to do, but because I know that there are things that I'll need in order to feel as though I can trust him as a reliable person. So, whether he does them or not is up to him, but I can't be overly-involved with someone who isn't addressing his issues. I've felt the sting of that for far too long. So, part of this is about helping him. And part of this is about trying to look after myself as well.

Essentially, I'm looking for the best advice on how to handle the initial adjustments he'll be making in his life and how I can best assist him. Eventually, if I start to lose myself in the process, I'll be asking for some serious slaps upside the head from you folks.

You people have given me some excellent suggestions. Within two weeks, I'm hoping to lay the groundwork for encouraging him to start seeking out people/books/advice/possibly a posting board full of people who can better understand his struggles.

15

Advice needed- please help!

by detective in

jw
friends

yesterday i received a surprise phone call from my jw friend.

we met up and uhhh, it was quite the mind-blowing event.

i can't believe it.

detective

Thank you so much for all the wonderful advice. Just to clarify for Hmmm, I'm not a witness. Never have been, never will be. I got a laugh out of my friend yesterday when we were I told him I'd be a lousy witness. He laughed and said he'd already figured that out!
Scully, I'm still finishing up Leo Booth's book. I've already found one of your suggestions helpful, so I'm sure when I check out those other books I'll also be pleasantly surprised. It's hard to get through some things because they are christian-centric that it can be a bit overwhelming. But I know that I can glean tidbits of valuable information in a variety of different places.

I'm still reeling from all this. I know I have to be strong now and I'm feeling all jellied-up inside. I guess that's normal. I just know, that no matter what happens, he needs to love himself again. And maybe, it'll be the first time he's ever really done that. I have no idea whats going to happen but he does have a friend in me. (And he's crazy enough to think that's a comfort- go figure!)

If anyone else wants to throw in some thoughts- I'm listening- big time!

51

My daughter called this am/after 3yrs

by DannyBear in

jw
friends

iam pleased to report, my jw daughter called me this morning.. needless to say i was thrilled to hear from her.

as many of you know to well, it is a small blessing, but huge when it's coming from an active jw.. i have decided to leave off talking anything jw related, and just enjoy getting caught up on the latest in her life.. there is hope.. danny

detective

Well, I've put my conversation with my JW friend in the following thread. I'm completely at a loss. Everything I've hoped for... and I'm completely terrified. How the heck does this stuff work anyway?

http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.asp?id=29077&site=3

Danny, you're getting you're daughter back! I can't even imagine how that must be for a parent. I hope you have lots of great stories to tell us in the future about visits and real family time together. And I hope you do tell us because, even though your daughter called just you, she'll never know how many strangers she just gave a little hope to! It's amazing, isn't it. So little, and yet so big...

15

Advice needed- please help!

by detective in

jw
friends

yesterday i received a surprise phone call from my jw friend.

we met up and uhhh, it was quite the mind-blowing event.

i can't believe it.

detective

Hi.
Yesterday I received a surprise phone call from my jw friend. We met up and uhhh, it was quite the mind-blowing event. He said he hasn't been going to meetings and he doesn't want to be a witness anymore! I can't believe it. I'm shocked.
He says he feels better about things knowning that he's come to this decision and he wants to move forward with his life.

Now, I'm not naive- emotionally he isn't really disconnected yet, I know that. And, as excited as I am that he's come to a decision about what he wants to do, I'm also sure that this is just the beginning of what will be a long struggle. He knows he has to tell his family and friends and, though he didn't say it in so many words, it's clear that he's afraid that he'll lose them all. I guess he already has since he's recently df'd (within the past year), but it's a different story when you're ready to tell them you aren't going back.

I think it's still too painful for him to let the floodgates open. He isn't getting too specific and is trying to soften what he's going through, probably for my benefit (and, well, ultimately his own). I don't want to push him by shoving information down his throat too soon. He still thinks they are right but that he's just not happy being a witness. He said he wasn't happy for years and he didn't enjoy going to meetings. He's obviously carrying around the guilt and self-loathing that years of indoctrination can produce in a person. I don't want to overwhelm him, although I know he needs to get educated in order to really get free in the long run.

I know that this is big. It was definitely an epiphany of sorts for him. I know I can't push, mostly because I'm afraid that if I do, he'll shut me out again. This decision isn't about me, although I think I factor into it. Actually, I know I do. Obviously, I don't want to be the deciding factor, but I don't think that I am. I know he's been unhappy for years.

On the other hand, since he's still emotionally enmeshed, I'm almost afraid to trust him. Afraid that if I put myself out there, I'll just be put through the wringer again. I've wanted him to just crack the door open for so long that now that it's happened, I'm terrified.

I'm going to help him, either way. I don't abandon people, especially when they need me the most. Can anyone share their "stages" of emerging from the group? I'm not operating on much sleep, I don't even know if I make any sense at all, and I don't even know what I'm asking for exactly. Maybe somebody could just talk to me about this. tell me your story or offer advice, I'll take anything. Thanks!

51

My daughter called this am/after 3yrs

by DannyBear in

jw
friends

iam pleased to report, my jw daughter called me this morning.. needless to say i was thrilled to hear from her.

as many of you know to well, it is a small blessing, but huge when it's coming from an active jw.. i have decided to leave off talking anything jw related, and just enjoy getting caught up on the latest in her life.. there is hope.. danny

detective

Guess what?!? I just got a message from my JW friend. He wants to meet tonight! This is out of the ordinary! He's hasn't initiated conversation with me in months though we've been in the same places together several times over (it was very, very strained!)

I'm so happy. And a little sad and afraid too. Mostly very, very happy, though.

What's going on? Why now?

51

My daughter called this am/after 3yrs

by DannyBear in

jw
friends

iam pleased to report, my jw daughter called me this morning.. needless to say i was thrilled to hear from her.

as many of you know to well, it is a small blessing, but huge when it's coming from an active jw.. i have decided to leave off talking anything jw related, and just enjoy getting caught up on the latest in her life.. there is hope.. danny

detective

That's a beautiful thing, Danny. Congratulations. I hope this is just a wonderful beginning for you two!