Posts by DesertRat

50

Circuit Overseers Tales of Grief and Woe

by Balaams Ass in

jw
friends

<div>hi i am in the middle of writing some memoirs of my time on the travelling work.

well anyone be interested in reading them?????

i have some heavy editing to do to protect identies and the like, but i should be finished at the end of the week.

How many languages can you "speak"?

by averyniceguy in

jw
friends

.

even though i am myself deaf, i can speak english pretty well and i also do america sign language.

what about you?

Pretty fluent in Spanish as a child (even more so than now) as a result of living in the Southwest most of my life. Also picked up a few words of Quiche (a Mayan dialect) from family visits to Guatemala when I was very young--parents were Gilead missionaries there before I was born & we made numerous 'return visits' (no pun intended...) both there & throughout Mexico.

Would like to learn the following languages in order: Spanish, German, Russian, Hebrew (father was Jewish before his 'brainwashing' began).

Also would like to 'unlearn' the 'pure language' everybody has been talking about. Coming to this site has been a great start..

15

EUREKA

by DesertRat in

jw
friends

just a quick message to thank everybody for the outpouring of support in response to my very first post on this site.

i came here only expecting one or two replies at most, and could not possibly have anticipated so much more.

the encouragement i have found meant more to me than the final two or three years of indifference and unconcern encountered among my so-called 'brothers' at the kingdom hall.. i shared this experience with my therapist on wednesday and could not stop crying as i explained to her just what it means to be a jw 'castaway' (rootless and seemingly without a friend in the world) who has found hope and understanding in an online community of people who seem to have been there all along--through the same long years of deceit, hypocrisy, anguish and alienation from the world around.

DesertRat

Thank you all again for those kind thoughts. They mean more to me than you will ever know.

Thanks, Honesty, for the tip about 'cognitive dissonance.' I too plan on researching that online (when I have the time!!!) & also bringing it up to my therapist on Wednesday.

Apostate Kate--hello to a fellow desert rat!!! I still remember driving through the Mojave Desert with my parents on our way to the summer conventions at Dodger Stadium (LA). At 11:00 pm it would still be over 100 degrees in Needles or Blythe. Once the Impala overheated & we missed over half of a Thursday program. About the only fun I ever had was going to Disneyland & Sea World after...

Juni in Wisconsin--we are pushing for 105 degrees today & 106 tomorrow. Very dry (often less than 10% humidity) so much more bearable than it may sound. Some of us 'desert sons' just have it in our blood--I have hiked before in 110-degree weather & was just fine (probably because I was carrying two gallons of water in my backpack..)

Thanks again to all of you for the encouragement & for permitting me to be a part of this wonderful site.

46

Panic attacks and Jehovahs Witness!

by Gill in

how many of you had panic attacks when you were a jw and when leaving?

i know of many jw women and a few men who suffered badly with panic attacks.

since recently having another spate of panic attacks i suddenly realised that i had been having them all my life.

DesertRat

I went through a period of very severe panic attacks about eight years ago when I was semi-active & between medications. One hit me during a Public Talk (the subject WAS Armageddon, if I remember correctly), & was so bad that I had to get up & walk outside the Hall. Not one person offered to come to my aid, though they could clearly see my distress.

Something else which sould have tipped me off was that I prayed to Jehovah as hard as I could (remembering the Scripture that "he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear"--& this WAS more than I could bear!!!), with no relief in sight. I literally sat alone in my mother's car shaking & sweating & crying & trying my best to 'tough it out.' When it was all over she got in the car & said, "Everybody wants to know what happened. What's the matter with you?" DUH!!!

24

Post your JW demon stories

by M.J. in

it seems that for jws, the demon thing is one of the few "eyewitness" confirmations of what the wts says.

there seems to be such an atmosphere of confirming testimonials that the jws relate back and forth to each other...but are they factual accounts or simply recycled "urban legends"?.

interestingly, the most dramatic demon stories are nearly always something that happened to someone else.. why is it that jws have seen more "demons" than anyone i've ever known in my life?

DesertRat

Think I'll go out & buy up all of the angel figurines I can get my hands on (chuckle). Thanks for sharing, Lovelylil. Brings back memories of the particular insensitivity which many 'pioneers' seemed to have (especially one who told me that having suicidal thoughts meant Jehovah had withdrawn his spirit from me...how comforting).

Another 'biggie' that many JW's I have known associated with demons was windchimes--very popular here in the Southwest. Also images of Kokopelli--the mythical humpbacked flute player which occurs in Native spirituality & legends from North America all the way to Peru. So guess what I have hanging on my screened porch now--windchimes of Kokopelli .

Thanks too for the Smurf picture, Honesty (& the ensuing belly laugh). I once had a major crush on Smurfette

Desert Rat

15

EUREKA

by DesertRat in

jw
friends

just a quick message to thank everybody for the outpouring of support in response to my very first post on this site.

i came here only expecting one or two replies at most, and could not possibly have anticipated so much more.

the encouragement i have found meant more to me than the final two or three years of indifference and unconcern encountered among my so-called 'brothers' at the kingdom hall.. i shared this experience with my therapist on wednesday and could not stop crying as i explained to her just what it means to be a jw 'castaway' (rootless and seemingly without a friend in the world) who has found hope and understanding in an online community of people who seem to have been there all along--through the same long years of deceit, hypocrisy, anguish and alienation from the world around.

DesertRat

Just a quick message to thank everybody for the outpouring of support in response to my very first post on this site. I came here only expecting one or two replies at most, and could not possibly have anticipated so much more. The encouragement I have found meant more to me than the final two or three years of indifference and unconcern encountered among my so-called 'brothers' at the Kingdom Hall.

I shared this experience with my therapist on Wednesday and could not stop crying as I explained to her just what it means to be a JW 'castaway' (rootless and seemingly without a friend in the world) who has found hope and understanding in an online community of people who seem to have been there all along--through the same long years of deceit, hypocrisy, anguish and alienation from the world around. I only hope that one day I will be able to reach out and help someone on this site the way that I am being helped right now.

Some of you have shared very personal thoughts and experiences that I would love to respond to immediately, but cannot due to the obvious limitations (work and time allotted for personal Internet access). Will try to respond personally to as many of you as possible, one step at a time. So nice to have a therapist who gives great advice...

Signing off for the week now in hopes that everyone has a most enjoyable weekend. I feel so good now, I might just try again to make it drink-free (hiking and journaling in the mountains helps too).

Your Friend From the Fiery Furnace

24

Post your JW demon stories

by M.J. in

it seems that for jws, the demon thing is one of the few "eyewitness" confirmations of what the wts says.

there seems to be such an atmosphere of confirming testimonials that the jws relate back and forth to each other...but are they factual accounts or simply recycled "urban legends"?.

interestingly, the most dramatic demon stories are nearly always something that happened to someone else.. why is it that jws have seen more "demons" than anyone i've ever known in my life?

DesertRat

Anybody remember the JW rumors about the Smurfs (those little blue, white-capped elves from the early 80's)? I must have been around eight or nine years old when the stories started flying, at least in our neck of the woods: Some young Witness couple in California hears screams one night from their child's nursery & runs in to find the Smurf blanket 'suffocating' the baby. Another family notices the Smurf figurines on the wallpaper 'dancing' late at night. And perhaps most unbelievable of all--at an assembly, some kid's stuffed Smurf gets up & walks away during the prayer...

It all came to a head in a SPECIAL NEEDS TALK at our Kingdom Hall. That night when we came home my parents made me throw out my Smurf record. I cried & wouldn't speak to them for almost a week

17

A little of my story; by request

by Fleur in

i wrote this years ago now...and i will add an update to the end.. essie.

i believe it was about five years ago i wrote that.

there is no name on it so i don't know who wrote it.

DesertRat

Fleur:

I may not be able to identify with your circumstances (as a young, unmarried ex-JW male), but I cannot help but applaud you for the incredible guts & courage it must have taken for you to share this story.

Most, if not all of us, know or once knew of such cases of abuse or exploitation within the Organization (especially the tragic ones where the perpetrators carried on 'in good standing,' leaving the victims with wounds that time does not always heal). It was not until I first learned about Silentlambs about four years ago that I realized the full extent of what goes on 'behind closed doors.'

Hopefully by now you realize that you are in the right place for help & healing. I could certainly identify with the emotional & spiritual roller-coaster you described & feel very fortunate to be here.

Your Friend,

24

Which Event Made You Think That Armageddon Was Around The Corner?

by Arthur in

i realize that this topic has been discussed at length, but since i'm new to this site, i wanted to pose the question again.

i ask this question because of the wide range in ages of all of you on this site.

but what about those who had already left the organization before 2001?

DesertRat

Though I was quite young at the time, I do remember the buzz over 1975 & the mad rush of some people to get rid of cars & homes since Armageddon was 'just around the corner.' When it was all over, my father & other elders had to visit couples with marital & financial problems since they had lost almost everything in their efforts to 'put the Kingdom first' in these 'last few MONTHS before the Old System ends...'

Personally, the one event which got me a little worried (especially since I was newly inactive at the time) was undoubtedly Nine-Eleven. Nobody could work that day & they called us all in to the employee cafeteria to watch the drama unfold in NYC (the fall of the Twin Towers, etc.) on a big-screen TV, before sending us home early. Not far from my neighborhood is a military base which was put on 'lockdown,' & traffic for miles around was at an absolute standstill. My usual fifteen-minute drive home took an hour-and-a-half.

I learned something else interesting that day--some 'Witnesses' may be more afraid of Armageddon than they would like others to believe. My mother, still an active Witness, invited me for dinner that night & kept getting up during the live TV coverage to pace back & forth like a scared rabbit. "The end is here...the end is here...the end is here." My initial concern was replaced with a calm tranquillity & I simply responded with, "Cool! The sooner I am put out of my misery, the better!" She just looked at me like I was crazy (which I undoubtedly am...).

Obviously that day is now behind us & we are all alive & well today.

24

Lonely newbie who is glad to be here

by DesertRat in

jw
friends

i was directed to this site by a very kind ex-witness who runs a christian ministry in california.

there are no words to express how thankful i am to be here.. here is what i hope (key word) will be an abbreviated version of my story: i am 35 years old, single, the only child of jw parents who had already spent over ten years in various watchtower capacities (two of those years as gilead missionaries in guatemala) before i was born.

my father was diagnosed with brain cancer when i was 11 and finally succumbed, after a valiant fight, when i was 14. among the first doubts or questions i remember having was how a god of 'love' could just passively ignore the persecution (malawi!!!

DesertRat

Hello everyone! I was directed to this site by a very kind ex-Witness who runs a Christian ministry in California. There are no words to express how thankful I am to be here.

Here is what I hope (key word) will be an abbreviated version of my story: I am 35 years old, single, the only child of JW parents who had already spent over ten years in various Watchtower capacities (two of those years as Gilead missionaries in Guatemala) before I was born. My father was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was 11 and finally succumbed, after a valiant fight, when I was 14. Among the first doubts or questions I remember having was how a God of 'love' could just passively ignore the persecution (MALAWI!!!) or suffering of His people, especially those like my father who had given so much of themselves to a cause, and a God, they sincerely believed in. The typical hollow-sounding explanations of "It shows our integrity to Jehovah" or "Jehovah will remember him in the resurrection...it's JUST AROUND THE CORNER (this was over twenty years ago...)" just didn't cut it for me.

As if the challenges of a Witness upbringing were not difficult enough (kids can be so cruel when one of them is forbidden to eat birthday cake or join in holiday craft-making...), I have struggled my entire life with personal demons that made me further misunderstood by others, even my so-called 'brothers,' and which I am only now beginning to unravel. Most recently, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (a form of 'High-Functioning' autism, or HFA), which on the one hand was liberating since I now had an explanation for all of the awkward moments and invisible obstacles in my life, but on the other hand produced a sort of grief over so many lost years and missed opportunities--not to mention rage against the many 'brothers,' teachers, and other authority figures who had been so indifferent or tried to make me feel even smaller than I already did over issues I could not control. It would be very interesting for me to find out how many others have experienced their 'brothers' in general, and elders in particular, as seemingly incompetent or just plain unfeeling in the face of mental or emotional distress.

Though like most of you I have probably vacillated billions of times between 'should I go to the meetings?' or 'this isn't for me,' perhaps the first real 'breakthrough' occurred in 2000 during my second (and hopefully last) psychiatric hospitalization after a suicidal episode. I had received a typically uneventful visit from some elders, whose favorite advice at such times was that I was spiritually weak and needed to 'pray more' and 'study more' (I had already done plenty of both). The fact that their Scriptural counsel failed to help in any measurable way, combined with the accumulation of a lifetime's worth of endless chaos and alienation, led to what I could only call a total breakdown. There I was, a hysterical blob on the floor of a psych ward for all to see (but beyond caring what anybody thought). My roommate's Mormon parents, whom I had never seen before and probably never will again, each took one of my hands in theirs and prayed softly while a female orderly stroked my head and cried right along with me. At that moment a silent battle was going on in my mind...Where are my brothers, and why are they unable to help me?...But these are worldly people whom I am not supposed to trust, who are going to die at Armageddon and might very well take me down with them if I am not careful...All I can say is that the 'walls came down' that night and I could no longer see the world, or the people in it, in black and white as I had been taught. Not that that has necessarily made things any easier since then, but it was truly a defining moment if there ever was one.

A few months later, I heard about Commentary Press for the first time and ordered my copy of 'Crisis of Conscience.' It is one of the few books to ever really hold my focus and concentration almost uninterruptedly from beginning to end. The Malawi vs. Mexico fiasco was especially revealing (persecution on the scale of Malawi or Nazi Germany, and God's seeming indifference to it, has always been a sore spot with me).

Sometime in 2002 I learned of a local ex-JW support group here in Tucson. The group founder remembered me from his own brief involvement in the Organization approximately ten years before. Almost immediately I was welcomed with open arms by people I thought of as friends and who helped me out immensely, each in their own individual way. One taught me to meditate; another met with me regularly to share materials which countered the Witness mindset and later took me almost every weekend on visits to local historic sites and elsewhere; still another called me two or three nights a week to see how I was doing and ask my views on various spiritual topics; and all of us met socially once a month at local restaurants. I honestly felt that things couldn't be better for a lifelong Witness struggling to find their own way.

Trouble began, however, in 2004 as a result of strong disagreement between the group founder and counselor/deprogrammer (the one who had met with me to overcome my JW programming) as to how the group should be run. This friction escalated, polarizing the group and ultimately bringing it to an end. Sadly, my friendship with the group founder also ended at this time. The 'deprogrammer' and his wife maintained contact with me (which included the Saturday excursions) for some time longer, until a phone conversation approximately six months ago during which he raised his voice to me in anger (on a morning when I was hung over, despondent, and in no condition for verbal abuse). Though he later apologized in a voice message, there was no expressed interest in further reconciliation and I have not heard from them since. My last (apparently) surviving friend from the group, who always took it upon herself to stay in regular contact with me even after moving to Indiana, stopped responding to my voice and e-mails rather abruptly about a month ago.

At this time I believe that what matters most is for me to connect with other longtime Witness 'statistics' (e-mail is fine but I need local contact most of all). My therapist of two-plus years, my two other support groups (social anxiety and Asperger's), workmates, and my few other friends all do their very best to understand, but have all acknowledged that the special understanding of those who share my past is most crucial of all for my growth and 'recovery' (if it can be called that). Those messages hammered into my head years ago ('Worldly people don't make lasting friends'...'You'll see what happens if you ever leave Jehovah') are always there but especially difficult to ignore now. Common sense (i.e., the realization that returning to the Organization is NOT the answer and would just make things worse) has thankfully always come to the rescue, but every day is a struggle. Perhaps not surprisingly to some of you, all of this has contributed to yet another challenge--my heavy drinking habit.

For the time being my computer and Internet access is limited to work (I do not have a computer of my own), so I may not be able to log on or reply to messages as quickly as I would like, but I will do my very best.

Regarding some of the other recent posts I have encountered--it was enlightening to learn that there is 'nothing new under the sun' as far as this summer's conventions. I have missed most of the last several years and did not go at all last year or the year before. My mother (still active and living in the same apartment complex) usually begins putting the pressure on around this time of year, so it will be interesting to see what happens...

'Pratt1'--So very sorry to read about the death of your friend (in your 06/01/06 post). Don't be ashamed to cry, and remember that he will always live on in the pleasant memories that you have.

'Wing Commander'--Your 05/31/06 post in the "Personal Experiences and Reunions" section brought tears to my eyes. Hopefully one day I will be able to face life on the 'outside' with as much courage and determination as you have.

Thank you all for reading this. God bless you, and remember 'we are all in this together...'

"DesertRat"

Tucson, Arizona (a.k.a. "The Baked Apple")--105 plus degrees forecast all week