Dear Cantleave,
I have been in your shoes as well, as have so many others today. But unlike you I was not born into the faith, so was in a better position to walk away rather than being handcuffed as you obviously will be.
The Watchtower is not God's organization! And I have proven that to myself, with unbiased eyes and truly heartfelt and thorough examinations.
Here is my own story out: http://exjehovahswitnessforum.yuku.com/topic/922/t/Letter-of-disassociation.html
I too was an elder, the school overseer, had assembly parts, bookstudy overseer, gave more talks than I can remember and everything else that we do.
Leaving was not easy at the time, but for me, it really was the right thing to do. Since then my wife, my pioneer daughter and one son have also left entirely. My wife's son (my 24 year old stepson, though I raised him since he was six) is still in and shuns us all today. Will not even answer our calls. And has directly stated that, "we need to go to the meetings", to have any relationship with him and or our first grandson (now three years old). How's that for some good old emotional blackmail as incentive to go back!
The JW faith is a religion and nothing more. There is some good in it too. But the evidence that God has directed the Watchtower as his channel is simply not there.
I have debated over the past three years with the most capable JW's and am today 100 percent certain that there is no possible explanation available that can justify all this: http://www1.tip.nl/~t661020/wtcitaten/part1.htm
Did Jehovah get all these things and Watchtower bad ideas and mistakes wrong again and again? Or was it the WT leaders who CLAIMED God was directing them that got those things wrong again and again?
We all know the answer.
We are not talking about a few things wrong. But literally THOUSANDS and pages and pages of just bad news here. Most of which the average Witness has no idea about. Which of course is by design.
Did Jehovah get the forbidding of Vaccinations, Organ transplants and Alternative Military Service WRONG FOR A COMBINED 83 YEARS?
Or, is the evidence rather clear that instead, the Governing Body (nothing more than a group of imperfect men from New York City), simply gave their best guess and then had to eventually REVERSE all of these positions despite so many Witnesses having to suffer consequences during the time they were enforced as current JW policies?
Did Jehovah also get all those end of the world predictions, in writing, wrong as well?
1914 came and went!
1925 came and went!
Beth Sarim (a huge watchtower humiliation) came and went!
1975 came and went!
The generation of 1914 came and went!
The new millennium (year 2000) came and went!
Who was it that made all those false predictions, in writing; God, or those same WT leaders who CLAIM that God is using them alone, once again?
We all know the answer.
Is it not at least reasonable to think that God would choose an organization that does not have one of the absolute WORST track records over the past 100 years of any religion on the earth as his own chosen channel today?
And here is a thread I put together that proves the Watchtower Society is Wrong on blood today:
http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/watchtower/medical/150613/1/WT-SOCIETY-IS-WRONG-ON-BLOOD
Which still causes many unnecessary deaths even now.
I too spent many years in the organization, as you have. I prevented my own kids from pursuing any kind of college education. Prevented them from playing any organized sports or school plays, after school clubs, boyscouts, non JW friends and so much more.
I HOPED I could prove that everything I believed and taught to others for the past 15 years was "the truth".
But the more I honestly examined the evidence the more it became clearer to me that the only people who think God has chosen the JW's for anything at all, are JW's themselves about themselves.
I too am 1000 percent convinced that God exists. And I have examined along with debated with atheists extensively on many sites many times. I am content now that I simply do not have all the answers as JW's often claim to have.
I see the hand of God in the lives of many other people, from numerous other faiths, along with some who choose no particular faith at all, many times now.
Yet how presumptuous and arrogant of us to believe and teach that all people in the world need to become a JW in order to have God's blessing in their lives.
At this time I tend to lean towards belief in a transcendent God that rises above all religions on the earth today and whose hand is available to all.
By leaving the JW world and weekly routine I have found a happier life. Same with the rest of my family. Freedom from a controlling religious institution, that makes great claims all the while condemning all other people and religions can do that.
But that is my journey. You have sound reasons to stay somewhat in, IMO. It can just become very difficult to maintain living a lie from all that I have seen and heard since leaving three years ago. At one point I could not sit through even one more meeting knowing it was not what I had believed and had been taught it was.
But I do wish you the very best in your attempts to find some balance and normalcy throughout all of this.
One extreme recommendation from my point of view that I'd like to make is to read Ray Franz's two oustanding books. Crisis of Conscience and In Search of Christian Freedom.
Both can be found purchased in book form or downloadable as PDF's (for privacy) here:
http://www.commentarypress.com/Publication/English.html
He is a very sincere and humble man as well as a devout Christian today. He was a Governing Body member for over nine years. His insights are simply invaluable for anybody wanting to examine the JW religion in an honest and complete light.
I wish you and yours the very best!
And I look forward to reading more of your posts in the future.
Take care,
Vinny