Five or so hours in and we are at a 4th page. I will answer before I read other answers, as I may never catch up otherwise.
I was serving as an elder longer than you, but found it relatively easy, family-wise, to walk away in my case, so I will say things from that perspective and try to empathize with a different situation that you are in.
For years, I had questions bugging me. Like you I put them aside with the typical "I'll receive my answer one day". But they only grew and more problems with the religion came up. I eventually caved in and simply googled "Jehovah's Witnesses" and went everywhere the links took me. But to be fair, I took years and years to get to that point. You are way ahead of me if you are an elder 4 years.
I could not stay in the congregation and try to encourage my wife out. I did quite a bit of that, and didn't get too far. I had to be free of it myself, for my personal sanity and mental health. She's still a faithful JW, but not as hardcore as I would have thought. So I have that.
While it wouldn't have worked for me, some stayed active JW's, at least in appearance, and helped their loved ones out with studying and questioning. It can be done. No apostate literature is needed, but it is helpful to prepare yourself with it, then just use Watchtower literature to help your wife.
Congratulations on your resignation as an elder. This is a huge step. I did the "doubt" thing myself, similar to your summary.
While it's tough that your entire family is in the org., you can start to have friends on the outside. I hate the slight double-life thing but I don't have too much choice. My best friends are from this forum and other ex-JW's. So they are not my wife's friends.
Your wife said that if you leave the religion, she will teach it to them. I would tend to believe her. She also said you've made her life so much more difficult now. Don't let her hang that on you, it isn't true. I get that and it's hard to release, but the comeback is that each person must take their own spiritual journey and find their own path. I wish there was an easy answer here, but there isn't. The easiest thing to do for a short peace is to let her be, but as you love her so much, you want to help her to think for herself and use her freedoms.
Isn't it a joke that "the branch" has to approve your resignation? They did that to me, too. I didn't want to make waves, so I said "Do what you want, but I am done- approval or not." I quit in August and they didn't get an answer until October and I didn't tell anyone in the congregation that I wasn't an elder, except my wife. But I sat during meetings without responsibilities, I wore a red sweater instead of a suit jacket, kind of signifying that I wasn't even available to do any assignments. I commented a little bit to say that I wasn't "in trouble."
The main thing about removing yourself from responsibility is to retain relations with your family, so good job. Don't worry so much about the friends. Heck, I lost my absolute best friend over this matter of "fading."
If your situation persists for years, as is highly likely, you can get help from others here who have had children caught in the middle. I wish you well. Oh, and your reading wasn't terribly long at all. Thanks for sharing another "Waking up" story.
