Posts by ania

i have to go around knocking on people's doors and telling them i'm somebody else.. how to get an "x" marked over your house on the "territory map"* every time they say "god," or the ever-popular "jehovah-god" say "..or goddess.

" * go to the sunday "public meeting" at your local kingdom hall to share the good news of your religion with them.

ania

OK not a jw joke but funny anyway...

A PLAUSIBLE EXPLANATION

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."

2

Church jokes

by MsMcDucket in

a little boy was attending his first wedding.. after the service, his cousin asked him, "how many.

women can a man marry?".

announced, "i descend into hell!

ania

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap
as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the
book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was
alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

That's gorgeous

7

Hell explained

by AgentSmith in

the following is supposedly an actual question given on a university of washington chemistry mid-term exam .

the answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.. .

bonus question: is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?.

ania

Good 1 Agent

3

JW Jokes found on the net

by ania in

i'm in the jehovah's witness protection program.

i have to go around knocking on people's doors and telling them i'm somebody else.. how to get an "x" marked over your house on the "territory map"* every time they say "god," or the ever-popular "jehovah-god" say "..or goddess.

" * go to the sunday "public meeting" at your local kingdom hall to share the good news of your religion with them.

ania

I'm in the Jehovah's Witness protection program. I have to go around knocking on people's doors and telling them I'm somebody else.

How to Get an "X" Marked over Your House on the "Territory Map"

* Every time they say "God," or the ever-popular "Jehovah-God" say "..or Goddess."
* Go to the Sunday "Public Meeting" at your local Kingdom Hall to share the good news of your religion with them.
* Ask them if they think Jesus' feelings might be hurt when no-one partakes of the wine and bread at his memorial dinner.
* Attend the yearly "Memorial" of the Last Supper and actually drink the wine.
* Tell them you know they mean well, but you believe in a God "of love and forgiveness."
* Wear the national flag and start talking about how you're "proud to be an American" (or whichever country).
* Ask them what day the sun was created, since it is at once the source of light, the marker of days, the sun, and a star.
* Ask them how the "fruits of the spirit" are manifested by current news items regarding JWs (take your pick: protecting pedophiles, exJWs who go postal after being disfellowshipped and shunned, JW murderers and rapists, etc. Check the JW News page for the latest.)
* Ask them how proud they are that some ultra-right political Christians now share their views on Halloween.
* Ask them who Cain married.
* Remark that the rapid blinking of the "new light" might be a health hazard to epileptics.
* Ask them why the Watch Tower Society is based in New York rather than in any holy city of the bible.
* Ask them about the reasons for the recent "corporate restructuring" of the Watch Tower Society.
* Ask them who owns their Kingdom Hall.
* Ask them to sit quietly and concentrate on their breathing.
* Ask them if independent thinking is still "against their religion." That is actually a prohibition of the group? "Awake!" indeed!
When they ask, "Can I talk to you about God?" Reply, "Sure, what would you like to know?"
Ask them for their address. When they ask why you want it, claim that you want to appear on their doorstop uninvited so that you can peddle your own beliefs.
For males only: While you're talking with them, start putting on lipstick... and remark that you have a hot date.
Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?"
Tell them you already have your own religion. When they ask what it is, wince a little before confessing, "er, I'm not sure if it's legal in this country."
A chalk outline of a human body on the pavement, and a few copies of "The Watchtower" scattered around...
Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the forty-two children.
Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their loving-kindness and patience last.
Say, "I'm sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet."
Pick an oft-repeated word in the "approved lexicon" and giggle or say "beep" whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones.

6

Great news Re:violent abusive jw family

by ania in

i'm ecstatic have received great news regarding my father: 1) it seems the information that he had been approved as a caregiver for barnardos was actualy incorrect he has never worked for them (sorry for that mis-information) .

however he had been working for cypf (newzealand children, young persons and their families service) and did have one boy in his care for more than a year.

2) my post regarding the abuse he inflicted on myself and family here: (http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/120383/1.ashx) has been noted by the authorities and they now have a copy of this in thier records (under his name) .

ania

Thanks all but all i did was post my story in the hopes that some1 could give me some ideas as to where to turn next (it seemed like dead ends wherever i turned) it was actually some of you who read my posts that made sure my post was read by the right people THANK-YOU