When I was 15, 16, I remember feeling very insulted by the awakes, Questions from Youth....Answers that work..(and the book that was released back then, the blue one) My mother then told me to never question what is given to us from the society. My mother till this day, is a jdub parrot. Everything that comes from her mouth starts with the sentence, ''the society says..''.
When i first became a publisher, i really hated turning in my time, i would feel deep shame and guilt if i didnt make the cong average, (you know, like 10 hours). I think I felt tremendous guilt for everything and anything after that...when I moved to another country, where field service is so much relaxed and enjoyable (the sister would waer tshirts over skirt, since they were too poor to own dresses) it was like, wow, this is awesome, we didnt keep records, we just had the bible and would share scriptures with our neighbours...and they all loved talking about the bible...*sigh* nice memories....and i remember thinking, it just feels WRONG to put down 40 or 50 hours that I put in WILLINGLY, for JEHOVAH, not for man, not for some elders to say, heyyyy, wow, good FS report there! I just couldnt stand that thought that they would be commending me for it (since I would have to verbally send in my time over the phone since my records were still with my cong in my home country). That was back in 1990.
When I returned home, I would regularily put in my time, and would put in random hours, random book/mag placements, since it was all a SHAM in my mind anyways, this stupid business of reporting how many hours you put in for Jehovah. What took the cake for me was when pioneers would rant about how they didnt put in 45 more minutes to brinf their time to 60 hours even..LIKE COMMON!!! or how they would have competitions between themselves on how many can put in the most amount of hours in the first week..blah blah blah...it was like, ARE YOU DOING THIS FOR MAN???? Or how some pioneers would lament that they ONLY put in 55 hours, and not 60...LIKE JEHOVAH REALLY CARES THAT YOU DIDNT PUT IN 60!
I was incredulous..I also couldnt agree with armegeddon being the destruction of innocent people, that I cared about, ONLY becuase they didnt accept a bible stucy with a witness...all those children killed....and they kept saying, well look what happened in the flood...so many people died, including children...yup. Makes me wonder what kind of God doesnt give a rats ass about children, yet when Jesus comes to earth, he says, children like ones would be the ones to inherite gods kingdom, and he brought them close to him, and held them lovingly...does that sound like a loving God? yes, funny god wasnt so thrilled with children in the OT.
Then there the issue of the pedofiles, of which there was an uncle married into my family who abused his two step daughters for years since they were small infants....(and wow, the turmoil it coused my family, and it divided my family large!) and he remained an elder for quite some time even afterwards....and wasnt removed until he was brought to court...since the elders in his hall did not believe his daughters, but believed him. especially since there werent 2 witnesses....ugh.(He was the a greatest FAKER, and always made his daughters pioneer so as to keep up a great facade that he was the perfect elder family head)
I'll write more later....