((LadyLee)) thank you for this post. I'm so sorry for the hurt you have experienced and am thankful that you can share it here so that other women in this situation know they aren't alone. If my mother were alive today, she would've written the exact same story. I've shared some of it with you in PM's.
From my personal experience, selfish men, like the ones you describe, hurt their entire family with this behavior. There is the direct abuse of the wife, but it causes peripheral abuse. The wife is put into a survival mode, which makes caring for children and her own basic needs more difficult, and, at times, impossible. I assumed the role of caretaker to my mother at a very early age, had to become independent and tough, handle very adult situations and responsibilities, had to protect her from my father, stand between them during arguments, force my father to leave the house when he was unreasonable. So many years of abuse broke her...her soul was shattered.
On one particularly intense middle of the night situation, I forced my father out of the house, and then told my mom she had to leave. We packed a suitcase and found a safe place for her to go. She never went back. I took care of her financially and in other ways. But, she never healed...she tried...she was a fighter. She was "marked" by the elders because she left...she lost her extended family, who she cared so deeply for.
She was an absolutely beautiful woman, so caring, nurturing, intelligent, and extremely creative. I'm so proud of her for finally standing up against the religion. We were able to share several holidays and birthdays before she passed and I finally shared my entire life with her without feeling any JW judgments.
While I miss her so intensely some days, I know that she is in a better place now. Because of my thoughts on life after death, I know that she has healed now and is traveling around seeing the world and enjoying her freedom.
There is never any excuse for this type of abuse, the abuser will make you think it is your fault and after years of hearing it's your fault, you start to believe it. It takes many more years to undo the hurt, once removed from the situation. Your one point, LadyLee,
We recognize that neglect is a form of abuse. We also recognize that the "silent treatment" is a form of emotional abuse. So it make s perfect sense to me that the withdrawal of attention, whether that is emotional, physical or sexual would be yet another form of abuse.
really hit me hard. This occurred in our family regularly. My father would, without warning, completely withdrawl. It would go on for 2-3 weeks at a time. I could handle everything else, but to this day, this was the most hurtful...deeply hurtful. We would know when he was ready to start talking again, usually by some small present appearing. I hated those presents...they marked one cycle of silence ending...the next one to start again at anyone's guess. It was such controlling, passive/aggressive behavior. We were forced to always try to be perfect so as not to upset dad. It didn't matter.
Thank you mom, for doing the best you could. For the beautifully detailed clothes you made for my dolls; teaching me to read, write, and do math even before starting school; teaching me to sew, cook, crochet; opening a savings account at age 4 to give me responsible spending habits; all the late nights on the phone. Thank you for helping me build my self-confidence, self-esteem and self-love so that I can avoid the same family situation; for showing me the importance of taking care of my needs. I love and understand you more and more everyday. I know why you held on to me so tightly...I was the only positive in your life. Thank you for feeling that way toward me.
My heart goes out to those who suffer from this same pain. Please do whatever you need to start healing, to start living a fun, fulfilled life.
FreeChick