I had never heard of this term until I was divorced for many years. The term "marital rape" confused me as I am sure it confused others.
But I knew what it was. I knew how it felt. I knew the betrayal of trust. I knew because I lived it. Learning there was a term for it helped me define my experience as a JW and as an elder's wife.
The website "Hidden Hurt: Domestic Abuse Information" provides some excellent information.
The following comes from their website. I have edited out some information that discusses stranger rape.
Marital Rape
Marital Rape is rape, regardless of the relationship between the rapist and the victim. It can be a live-in partner, or a former partner; someone you are married to or have been married to in the past.
Rape is a very personal and intimate traumatic experience. Our experiences of and reactions to rape may differ widely, and although there are many similarities in the way that we feel about being the victim of rape, regardless of the relationship between us and the rapist. I am trying to describe and offer an understanding of some of the specific problems regarding marital rape (or rape by an intimate).
Please note that in this page I refer to wives and husbands, however, it can be understood to refer to all rapes perpetrated by an intimate. Also, I am only looking at rape and sexual assault on women, since this is by far the most common situation, though rape and sexual abuse also occur too frequently in same-sex relationships.
The main differences between stranger rape and marital rape
Stranger rape is usually a one-off, someone you don't know, with whom you don't share any experiences or history. When the assault happens, there can be no doubt as to what is happening: that it is Rape (though even in such situations the victim will often wonder what she has done to precipitate the assault and will blame herself). In marital rape the circumstances are very different. It is - quite apart from a physical and sexual violation - a betrayal of trust. Here is a person whom you thought you knew intimately, with whom you share a history, a home and quite often children. Here is a person whom you have made love to on a frequent basis often over many years, with whom you have shared your most intimate secrets and fears, and whom you believe to love you, want the best for you, who would never intentionally hurt you. Marital rape is so destructive because it betrays the fundamental basis of the marital relationship, because it questions every understanding you have not only of your partner and the marriage, but of yourself. You end up feeling betrayed, humiliated and, above all, very confused.
Also, while stranger rape is a sexual act of violence outside (as in: apart from) the victims normal relationships, marital rape has to be understood in the context of an abusive relationship, that is, in the context of emotional and possibly physical abuse.
One of the differences between stranger and intimate rape is that stranger rape will nearly always involve a certain degree of physical violence (one notable exception to this is rape involving the date rape drug) while a lot of cases of marital rape will involve coercion and only enough force to control the victim, known as 'force-only' rapes (see below).
Another problem victims of marital rape face is that such instances are rarely a one-off, but a repeated if not frequent occurance. This can be a huge issue to the victim, because she will feel as though she has somehow 'asked for it' by staying or putting herself in the situation where it can happen again. Also, once it has been tolerated on a number of occassions, she may question her right to then act upon it.
Other reasons a woman may not fight back are so as not to disturb children sleeping nearby, thereby risking them witnessing the rape; shock or confusion at what is happening which paralyses her; and real concern for her abuser, which results in her not wanting to do anything which may harm or injure her rapist even to the detrement of herself.
Research seems to indicate that in the context of an abusive relationship, the woman is most likely to be subjected to rape towards the end of the relationship, or after she has left. It would appear that rape is often used by an abuser when other control tactics, such as isolation or emotional abuse are no longer sufficient to maintain his power and hold over her, or to punish her for either leaving or trying to leave. Only too often, this works.
The problem of defining marital rape as Rape
Many women who are victims of marital rape have great difficulty in defining it as such. The traditional idea that it is impossible for a man to rape his wife and that somehow, in taking our marriage vows we have abdicated any say over our own body and sexuality, basically denied ourselves the right to say 'no', is still prevalent amongst wives as much as amongst their husbands. A wife being raped will often question her right to refuse intercourse with her husband, and while she may realise that legally it now constitutes rape, there are many reasons which may prevent her from perceiving it in such a light.
We prefer to see it possibly as a communication problem (did I make it clear enough that I did not want intercourse tonight), we may see it as an act for which the man is not fully responsible due to his nature (men have a biological need to have sex and if there is a woman next to them in bed when they are in the mood they just cannot help it), we may see it as a misunderstanding (although I told him I didn't want to, maybe I gave him the wrong signals somehow), we may have religious issues which question our right to refuse intercourse (I have got to submit myself to him and accept his will above mine as my Lord and Master).
Basically, as wives being raped by our husbands, we look for every reason, every excuse to deny it is Rape because we do not want to accept the alternative: it is Rape, he is hurting and humiliating us with intent, we can no longer trust him, turn to him in comfort, gain reassurance and protection from his company and our home is no longer safe.
I knew that saying "No" was not an option. If he didnt' get what he wanted he was miserable to live with both to me and our children. I knew that religion told me I had a duty to provide the "marital due". I knew I would be held responsible if he went outside the marriage to satisfy his sexula needs.
I also knew how I felt when he was done and got out of bed to go wash himself. I felt dirty, alone, uncared for and unloved. I felt like a legal prostitute, paying for my room and board with sex.
As a victim of childhood sexual abuse what was happening in my marriage felt no different that what had happened as a child. Someone else's right to sex was more important than my well-being, my needs and my hurt.
And I was confused. I had a religion and a husband telling me that as a wife I had a responsibility. As a wife I was to be in submission to my husband. My childhood abuse told me that men had a need that had to be "taken care of" by me because I had "caused" it.
Nowhere was I getting the message that I had a right to say no. Nowhere was I getting the message that I had a right to be treated with respect and real love. Nowhere was I getting the message that my feelings and needs were important.
Rare is rape. It doesn't matter that you live in the same house. It doesn't matter that you made vows to each other. It doesn't even matter if you live in different places. (After our separation my husbnad wanted to come over for conjugal visits)
Marital rape hurts.