Posts by RAF

49

With a heavy heart I regret to inform you that..

by Wordly Andre in

jw
friends

i regret to inform, all of you that i will no longer be a member of this board, ive thought about it a long time and to hard decision that after many hours of praying i will be returning to the society.

i know its the only way i can confront the problem that i am currently faced with, i am sure all of you at one time thought about it too, i am however weak, i know that going back will only delay matters and keep this horrible secret of mine, but its the only way i know how i can deal with it.

thank you for all your support and for me to fully get back to jehovahs organization i can not be a member of this board thank you worldly andre

RAF

happy birthday you joker !

32

I'm in love and ... scared !!!

by RAF in

sorry need to share and to talk about it and maybe in giving me your opinion, talking about your experience, i'll find other ways to deal with it.. .

i just turned 40 (does this have something to do with it) never been scared about the matter ... but now i wonder what kind of love i've really experienced before (any kind of appeals like complicity for instance, the need to share something in particular with someone, the need to give someone some love?

) i dunno for real .... i'm trying to get this out of my head but i can't, i can't, i can't - i'm trying to get interested in other guys but it's just not the same ... and i even wonder how i came to the conclusion that i do love him !!!.

RAF

FlipThis : you should be
I am ... And when I read Hopelesslystained sounds like it is a part of it all.
Hopelesslystained
Nice story ... Thanks I feel really understood here about a part of the reason I'm scared about.
The thing is that I'm a DIE HARD SINGLE ... since the biginning ... feeling dependant doesn't float my boat at all, at all, at all ... (and more over in the love matter)
What is scary is : What could be my expections from my huge personnal feelings (which are maybe not really shared to the same level) has TyroneVL said most of the time there is one who loves more than the other one ... I'm already able to love full size when I don't feel that way ... What will it be if I do feel that way !!! (scary scary scary) because now I even felt like to go further with bigger involvements ...
I mean, usualy I'm abble to control my feelings. It wouldn't take more than a week to really get rid of any bad feeling or any need from the other one. And just need to get a clear view of it all to tell myself FORGET ABOUT IT ... it was as simple as that - the way to not suffer have just be to SHUT IT DOWN once and for all.
On Tyrones Hit music session topic GWQ brought up a song which really was talking to me about my fears ... NE ME QUITTE PAS (don't leave me) ... I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THIS POSITION, I JUST DON'T ... I'd rather let go RIGHT NOW - forget about it (looks like I'm a real coward - but I guess I know better about my extreme sensitivity - since this feeling is too big I feel like I'm NOT READY AT ALL).
to recall what it brought up that's what I've wrote on this thread :
----
The worst part of this song is the fact that he is begging her to stay to the point to say (in french version) let me become the shaddow of your shaddow, the shadow of your hand, the shaddow of your dog (pet) that's toooooo deep !!!
I guess this song and my father have something to do whith the reason why, my way is : you want to go away ... Ok ... as well as I wouldn't want anyone going this far about their need to stay close to the one they love and certainly not me.
That's also probably Why I'm scared today. (dependance)
---
I saw to many people sink into something I would rather never get into ... I can love very hight already without being that much in love (to compare about the feeling I have for this guy without even being involved with him).
And about my own experience Anthony's father was my best friend till I was 3 month pregnant - and he just became my worst ennemy from then (scary, scary, scary) I still have no idea why exactly ... I had to move or he would have killed me. And he is not the only one ... in the name of love (UGH !!!) I forgave but I need to not forget (people change and sometimes you just don't know why)
So I'm already scared about how far they can go with me (and fine any reason to be mean in using love as an excuse or neglecting me in using the excuse that I look strong ) ... and now I'm also scared about how far I can love.
Mum : Whatever it is, you've got it bad!
For now, accept your feelings. If you are considering anything long-term, get to know this person better. Love is a good start, but without mutual respect and shared values, love cannot flourish.
Yep ... but right now ... About my life and my feelings I'm used to live day by day ... tomorrow is another day (so me even thinking about getting married and worst having kid ... Well that's not me YET ... and that was scary to just think that I would get into it for him) ... I'M NOT READY ... just the way I'm thinking about it is pathetic, I don't think it would do me any good (or any good to him)to get into more involved relationship with the state of mind that I have today ...(it's fucked up) ...
I'll take my time and if I can't get read of this fear, rationalised it (there will be no way to help this relationship to go further - that's what my guts is telling me right now). I just hope that at least I'll be able to keep the friendly relationship ... and that's all what I really need by now and this just pop out of my head : maybe he doesn't want more than that ... and maybe he feels the same ... and maybe that's why I feel incounsciously understood by him ... and this would explain why in knowing that we like each other we don't talk about it.
I don't know ... I'm lost ... And as long as I wond be able to figure out where I am on this map ... I'll stay where I stand.

45

I am dropping off the face of the web...

by jgnat in

jw
friends

i leave in a few days.

nothing drastic, just a glorious road trip through the rockies.

unless i drag hubby in to a cyber cafe along the way, i will be incommunicado.

RAF

(I do insist on bringing along my sudoku in to the pool, and nobody can stop me).

ok ... have fun !!!
Read you soon

32

I'm in love and ... scared !!!

by RAF in

sorry need to share and to talk about it and maybe in giving me your opinion, talking about your experience, i'll find other ways to deal with it.. .

i just turned 40 (does this have something to do with it) never been scared about the matter ... but now i wonder what kind of love i've really experienced before (any kind of appeals like complicity for instance, the need to share something in particular with someone, the need to give someone some love?

) i dunno for real .... i'm trying to get this out of my head but i can't, i can't, i can't - i'm trying to get interested in other guys but it's just not the same ... and i even wonder how i came to the conclusion that i do love him !!!.

RAF

AK JEFF - Want to know if it is love? Someone told me once to 'go away, don't see or talk to each other by mutual consent for three months'. If when you come back, you both feel the same way - you are both in love with each other. After all it matters the most if you are both in the same place, right?
Luck and Love to ya' kid - Love gets better after 40 I hear.
I stayed away for 3 weeks and when we saw each other we were like dogs getting their toy back (too much visible in the first seconds - we calm down very quick - cause there was a lot of people around) it was funny somehow
Thanks

32

I'm in love and ... scared !!!

by RAF in

sorry need to share and to talk about it and maybe in giving me your opinion, talking about your experience, i'll find other ways to deal with it.. .

i just turned 40 (does this have something to do with it) never been scared about the matter ... but now i wonder what kind of love i've really experienced before (any kind of appeals like complicity for instance, the need to share something in particular with someone, the need to give someone some love?

) i dunno for real .... i'm trying to get this out of my head but i can't, i can't, i can't - i'm trying to get interested in other guys but it's just not the same ... and i even wonder how i came to the conclusion that i do love him !!!.

RAF

Snowbird : RAF, I know how you feel.
It is scary because of the intensity of your feelings. Just take it slowly - as if that is easy to do - enjoy the time you have together and let tomorrow take care of itself.
Yeah ... anyway there is nothing else I can't do (won't run away - won't force it)
Thank you all !!!

32

I'm in love and ... scared !!!

by RAF in

sorry need to share and to talk about it and maybe in giving me your opinion, talking about your experience, i'll find other ways to deal with it.. .

i just turned 40 (does this have something to do with it) never been scared about the matter ... but now i wonder what kind of love i've really experienced before (any kind of appeals like complicity for instance, the need to share something in particular with someone, the need to give someone some love?

) i dunno for real .... i'm trying to get this out of my head but i can't, i can't, i can't - i'm trying to get interested in other guys but it's just not the same ... and i even wonder how i came to the conclusion that i do love him !!!.

RAF

Thanks all for your answers
Jgnat : You're in love.....or lust
I've experienced lust and I guess that I would know if it was about lust because I wouldn't be scared ... I would just get read of it either in making my mind about the guy does not worth it ... or since I'm free and can't fight against it I would just get into it to cut the feeling short ... I mean I like sex but I need something else to like sex with the other one ... so that would only lead me to a one night stand and if nothing bigger comes out of it well ... basta (nothing scary about)
Since I'm scared I'm lost ... just don't want to rush into anything I'd rather lose it ... just to keep pure the present feeling that I have.
BCberean : The problem isn't getting rid of the FEAR...but processing and expressing it....which..btw... YOU are doing right now
Yep I'm trying and here I am ...
Talking about it and your answers actually pushed me a little bit further on the thinking process about why the FEAR.
What I'm feeling in his arms I've never felt it from those I was supposed to get it (my mother, my father, whoever for instance I've always felt like I could take over whatever way better without them - there was more problems or dissapointement expecting anything from them than coping and fighting alone)

But rationnaly talking, I'm talking about a feeling here, I don't really know the guy ... what's weird is that the feeling is soooooooo strong ... where does it come from for real???
So of course : (the following comes at the right moment about the feeling)
DJK : Stay with it for a while and if it continues to grow, then you'll know if it's love.
I guess I don't really have the choice ... But it's just too big already (but there is nothing really rational to stand on)
TyroneVL :
the reason I've talked about marriage is because I'm actually very, very, very against just like you said somehow love is an everyday involvement when marriage is only a vow.
That's why I'm even more scared about the fact that I've thought about it, like geeezz if this guy would want me to make this vow or even have kids I don't think I would be able to say NO ... I would like to please him without any consideration about my habillity to bear it (scary, scary, scary).
Thank you Tyrone I can tell I've met really good friends on here BTW !!! Love you !!!
and then
nvrgnbk : Life is short! Enjoy!
Yep ... Now that's the thing what will I miss, what would I lose depending on what's next (usualy I don't care I just go with my guts - and pay the full price when I'm wrong) for the very first time I'm stucked !!! Because what I'm really enjoying right now is the feeling itself
and then the details :
Greendawn : Do you want a long term, deep relationship rather than an ephemeral one? Many believe that sex without any feelings is a very shallow experience. So it depends how you perceive true and pretentious love.
The thing is that I don't really want anything but something deep/real/new (and something is new here I really feel good in his arms) whatever time it last - I just don't want to be dissapointed - that's why somehow by now and don't need or want more than that : being in his arms once in while to get this feeling again and as long as possible.
Most of the time guys more see me like a warrior/amazon I would say ... and somehow it put me in this situation ... but the way he is holding me is like he knows how very, very, very sensitive I am for real ... So it feels like he have a deeper understanding of who I am, and since he shows it this way I feel like he is able to protect me at least this way ... Means that I can fail I will still have those arms to tell me ... don't care baby I understand ... and that's all what I need (not even him to arrange anything or what - I might not even care about what's wrong) just knowing that he understands me is enough. I mean for once somehow I feel like a woman (not a man somehow in a woman's body).
and now I'm reading this topic again to see If I have more answers to think about and
Terry : You are going to laugh when I say the following sentence because it comes from me.
No, I do appreciate your input on this matter for instance - and I actually agree with it (I mean we don't have to agree on everything when I don't you know about it)
Terry : But, don't bother DEFINING the situation with a word. Don't put it in a box with a label. JUST GO WITH IT!
That's what I think and do most of the time when I have strong feelings but here I am in a very new situation and it brings so much relief as well as it got me scared that I for once wonder if I should or not keep this guy as a friend even lose him (as a man or friend) but keep the feeling pure and alive (is this possible ?)

Lonelysheep : I'm happy for you.
Thank you ... actually that's what it's all about ... Just the feeling itself is good ... it's like by now more than that would be too much to handle (by me) ... but at the same time and for the very first time, for me it's like whatever he would want from me (which have something to do with love) he would get it ... which makes me feel quiet dependant already (scary, scary, scary).

32

I'm in love and ... scared !!!

by RAF in

sorry need to share and to talk about it and maybe in giving me your opinion, talking about your experience, i'll find other ways to deal with it.. .

i just turned 40 (does this have something to do with it) never been scared about the matter ... but now i wonder what kind of love i've really experienced before (any kind of appeals like complicity for instance, the need to share something in particular with someone, the need to give someone some love?

) i dunno for real .... i'm trying to get this out of my head but i can't, i can't, i can't - i'm trying to get interested in other guys but it's just not the same ... and i even wonder how i came to the conclusion that i do love him !!!.

RAF

Sorry need to share and to talk about it and maybe in giving me your opinion, talking about your experience, I'll find other ways to deal with it.

I just turned 40 (does this have something to do with it) Never been scared about the matter ... but now I wonder what kind of love I've really experienced before (any kind of appeals like complicity for instance, the need to share something in particular with someone, the need to give someone some love?) I dunno for real ...
I'm trying to get this out of my head but I can't, I can't, I can't - I'm trying to get interested in other guys but it's just not the same ... and I even wonder how I came to the conclusion that I do love HIM !!!
We are not together (I see him almost once a week) he is handsome but really it is not what got me interested in him - but the subble ways he shows his interest in me like he is not expecting anything in return)
I for the very first time fell comfortable in the idea of being married (still trying to fight against this idea though ... but it's like if HE would like it I would want it) Same thing about having kids (a bit late since I'm 40 - and really I'm not a mother in heart - I mean it's a Job - so all together in knowing that we are not together : why did I even thought about it)
And even worse I wouldn't care loosing him (I even feel a big relief when it happens that I think that he is interested in someone else - it's like it would set me free and get this weird feeling out of me) ... the only thing I would miss for real is the feeling I've got when I'm in his arms !!! never felt this way : like nothing can happen to me when he is holding me.
Am I going crazy here? Is this true love for a man?
I've never told him anything about that ... he doesn't either (and maybe because it's an illusion from me) ... I'm not in hurry to get there at all, at all, at all ... I'm lost, feel dependant ... Arrrrgh ! ... I need to breath ... And maybe i'm scared to dissapointing him ... all together I don't know what I want or even what it is all about exactly.
If you recognise yourself or anyone in what I've describeded here can you tell me what it was all about and was the next step? (good or bad)

22

My Theory

by Princess Daisy Boo in

i have had this theory for a very long time and i would like to hear what everyone has to say about this.. i think that people are either inherantly religious or not.

if they are inherantly religious, then the wtbts will naturally apeal to them, all the deep in depth study and the bible analysis and so on.

they feel the need to look to a higher source for fulfilment.. and then there are those that are not inherantly religious... the ones the prefer to concentrate on the here and now.

RAF

Your theory makes sense anyway

32

Is it SABOTAGE or HONESTY

by BCberean in

i think i just lost another man because of the 'sex within the confines of marriage' issue.. my sister said i should wait til i have them hooked before i make it clear where i stand.. doesn't seem quite honest to me......but....i'm wondering if i'm somehow sabotaging the relationship.. .

RAF

You know what? I like the way you express yourself on the matter ... sounds genuine and true ! (charming in fact)

32

Is it SABOTAGE or HONESTY

by BCberean in

i think i just lost another man because of the 'sex within the confines of marriage' issue.. my sister said i should wait til i have them hooked before i make it clear where i stand.. doesn't seem quite honest to me......but....i'm wondering if i'm somehow sabotaging the relationship.. .

RAF

Yep : All together, you do not sound like you are really in love with him ... and he doesn't sound to really attract you physically either... SO