Posts by emilyblue

12

i hate him

by emilyblue in

tonight i am a littel drunk and i miss him so much i can't stand it.

i have been fine allweek until now tonight.

becuasuse i am wathcing a good year with very manly rusel crowe and we watched it at movies together and made plans for our good life together that now we cant ever have because he doesnt love me enough to leave what i bleieve religiously alone.

emilyblue

This is really embarrassing. Is there a way to delete a post? I had a pretty rough night last night, obviously. I did fine during the week, but I stayed home and felt sorry for myself all day yesterday, which was a mistake. "Idle hands are the devil's workshop" and all that. At least I didn't drink enough to call him. The first thing I did this morning was to check my dialed calls history on my phone. If there's a way to delete or edit a post, I would really appreciate it if someone let me know.

12

i hate him

by emilyblue in

tonight i am a littel drunk and i miss him so much i can't stand it.

i have been fine allweek until now tonight.

becuasuse i am wathcing a good year with very manly rusel crowe and we watched it at movies together and made plans for our good life together that now we cant ever have because he doesnt love me enough to leave what i bleieve religiously alone.

emilyblue

tonight I am a littel drunk and I miss him so much i can't stand it. i have been fine allweek until now tonight. becuasuse I am wathcing a good year with very manly rusel crowe and we watched it at movies together and made plans for our good life together that now we cant ever have because he doesnt love me enough to leave what i bleieve religiously alone. he said all our relationshit problems were because we were not religioukly united and god couldnt bless us but i say all our porblems were because he felt so guilty for eerything he ever did with me and coudlnt let go of what other women including hi s mother had did to him in the past. those women weren't me and I lvoed you so much. iam tired of telilng my friends and my family that i am fine and happy because i am not right now. i know I will be but I am not right now. ihate you david i hate you so much. i would have done anything for you and you get so mad at me for making mistakes and telling me I have bad irish temper when i have never said to you the things that you ahave siad to me. I am going to miss you just dont knwo why.

13

Thanks to all of you!

by emilyblue in

i want to thank all of you for your words of wisdom and support during my breakup with my jw ex-boyfriend.

i honestly don't know how i would have handled the last few weeks without having this forum.

i had reached the point where i had no where else to turn.

emilyblue

I want to thank all of you for your words of wisdom and support during my breakup with my JW ex-boyfriend. I honestly don't know how I would have handled the last few weeks without having this forum. I had reached the point where I had no where else to turn. I was too embarrassed to confide anymore to my family and friends because I felt so ashamed for allowing myself to go through the same cycle, over and over again. Thank you for being here. I have learned so much reading all the posts, past and present.

I am moving back to my home state in June, and I am so excited! A few months ago, my older brother and sister-in-law bought a new house. They sold their old house to my other brother and sis-in-law. Well, they in turn are going to lease THEIR old house to me, with the option to buy once I am all settled in! My dad calls it the trifecta! It just feels like more than a coincidence. I feel like God is pointing me in the right direction now that I'm finally able to let go of this unhealthy relationship. I've sent in my resume and application to several school districts there and have received an offer from my old principal from the very first district in which I taught! I wasn't crazy about working in that particular district and had put my application in there primarily as a "back up," so I'm not sure if I should accept the position or wait it out and see if something I would like better comes along. It's only April, after all, so I feel I have some time before I get desperate.

I feel happy now, and it's only been about a week since our last blowout. A few weeks ago, I thought I would be miserable without him. I feel free. He is no longer around to blame me or confuse me. I do worry about him a lot though. But he is a grown man and he is the one who made the ultimatum, not me. I do feel bad about the way it ended, but it just couldn't seem to end on a good note. He asked me why I felt I couldn't become a Witness, and when I gave him my reasons, he figuratively beat me up again with scripture until I finally told him I didn't care what the Bible said. He had a field day with that comment. Of course I care, but he had me feeling so confused and frustrated I just wanted to yank the Bible out of his hands and beat him over the head with it and then shove it up his you-know-what.

One of the positive things I have gotten out of this relationship is that I have read the Bible more in the last few months than I think I have my entire life. Another thing that I have learned is that you really can't make someone else happy if they're not so inclined. That's never really hit home with me before this. I always felt like everything could be in my control, but I had absolutely no control over his moods and actions. I feel like I know myself better now. I know what I can and can't live with; I know just how far I can compromise before I start to feel like I am losing myself. I have also learned that I can't give my heart away so easily the next time. As Dr. Phil or someone said, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

You all have given me such wise advice. I have read your responses to my posts dozens of times when I have felt weak and wanted to call him. You have helped more than you can ever know.

Thank you.

16

a little confused

by emilyblue in

i think my head is a little messed up from my recent relationship with a man who is a jw.

i attended a few meetings and bible studies with an older woman who i met at the first meeting.

i am not going to become a jw because i can't give up holidays and birthdays, but i do have a few questions.

emilyblue

I think my head is a little messed up from my recent relationship with a man who is a JW. I attended a few meetings and bible studies with an older woman who I met at the first meeting. I am NOT going to become a JW because I can't give up holidays and birthdays, but I do have a few questions. I'm a little disturbed at myself because I'm wondering what is so wrong about being a JW, even though I know I could never do it. It's just that the more meetings I went to, the more I began to think, "What exactly is so bad about being a Witness?". Everyone I met was so friendly and "normal." Not to mention well-dressed. I must admit the guys seemed a little nerdy, but nice. Before meeting my ex-boyfriend, I had always thought of JW's as weirdos and joy-killers. Actually I never really gave them much thought at all, because I think I've only ever had them knock of my door once. Learning more about it, it just seems like a very strict lifestyle based on very narrow beliefs, but sometimes I catch myself thinking that maybe it isn't such a big deal. Is this how people get sucked in? It's something that I NEVER would have thought of doing before I met my ex-boyfriend. I think my thinking might just be off because I am just now beginning to get over our recent breakup (2 days ago.)

83

I think I did a really bad thing.

by emilyblue in

i do not attend the same hall as my boyfriend because he is currently reproved for being involved with me.

i'm not a witness.

he confessed to his elders that he had sex with someone outside of marriage after his second divorce was already final.

emilyblue

Oh Lord. It will never end unless I just come out and say something mean and nasty to him. He came over last night and cried because he was worried he was a bad person. He had called his ex-wife earlier that evening and told her she was free to remarry since he had sex with someone else. She told him she didn't care, because she would never remarry, seeing as how she had already been married to two bums already. She told him he had been emotionally abusive during their marriage and had made her feel like she was a bad mother to her kids (his stepchildren.) Anyway, some of the remarks most have hit home because he was feeling immense guilt. It was short-lived though, because soon he started blaming her for CAUSING him to feel that way about her. He said she wasn't a good mother because sometimes on weekends she didn't feed her kids lunch until 2 or 3:00 in the afternoon and she sent them to school with holes in their pants and broken zippers on their jackets. He asked me if I thought he was abusive to me, and I said he could be very domineering and inconsistent in his thoughts and sometimes steamrolled me when our opinions differed. I also told him that he threatened our entire relationship any time we had the smallest of disagreements. If we disagreed over which tv show to watch, he would tell me that maybe we are just incompatible. The evening ended with him asking me to become a Witness and then he could marry me. This is the same man who told me he could never trust me again only just the day before. I turned in my letter of resignation at my job today, effective at the end of this school year. I'm moving back home to be near family. If I were to stay here, I would get sucked into this cycle all over again, I know.

83

I think I did a really bad thing.

by emilyblue in

i do not attend the same hall as my boyfriend because he is currently reproved for being involved with me.

i'm not a witness.

he confessed to his elders that he had sex with someone outside of marriage after his second divorce was already final.

emilyblue

Thank you, jgnat. Here is a little about me. I was born and raised in Texas, and all my family live there. My mom died about three and half years ago, and I miss her very much. She was usually my voice of reason. It's weird but I feel like I need her more now as an adult than I ever did while I was growing up. My dad remarried and is very happy. I have a difficult relationship with him because he has such an overbearing personality, but he has really mellowed out the last couple of years. My two brothers are both happily married and I have a niece and a nephew who I adore. I need to get their Easter baskets put together and ready to mail. After graduating college, I moved to California. It was an impulsive decision that I made at a job fair for teachers, but one that has helped me gain a lot of experience with working with students who speak limited English. For some reason, I can't figure out how to break this into paragraphs. I skip a line, but it doesn't show up like that in my post. Anyway, my friends tell me I am the most festive person they know, and I'm not sure if they mean that as a compliment because I go a little overboard on the holidays. I use any occasion as an excuse to bake and decorate cupcakes. A Halloween tradition of mine is to put up and decorate my Christmas tree. I had a little too much to drink at a Halloween party one year and decided to put the tree up, and I've been doing it ever since. It used to freak David out because when he would tell me that holiday celebrations were pagan, I would tell him I was aware of the history behind holidays but I didn't care that they had pagan origins. It's not like I'm worshipping my pumpkin or my tree. He would then say that he couldn't believe that I didn't care what the bible said. Ok back to me. I have two very small dogs, a runty little shihtzu and a chihuahua mix. They're my babies, and I'm so glad I have them! They're probably as neurotic as I am, but that's ok. My shih tzu had to have one of her eyes removed last summer after I moved to Oregon. I came home from dinner one night and her eye was bulging out of its socket. We still have no idea what happened, because there was no sign of anything that could have caused it. That was the second worst experience of my life, after my mom's death. I felt so helpless to see my dog in pain and not being able to explain to her what was going on. But she was as happy as ever once she finally got to stop wearing the cone around her neck. Dogs have no vanity or self-pity. I could learn a lot from them, I guess. I am so sorry about not having paragraphs! I'll stop here until I figure that out.

83

I think I did a really bad thing.

by emilyblue in

i do not attend the same hall as my boyfriend because he is currently reproved for being involved with me.

i'm not a witness.

he confessed to his elders that he had sex with someone outside of marriage after his second divorce was already final.

emilyblue

All right, it's over. My head is spinning, but I am filled with a weird sense of relief. He called me today at lunch and one minute he told me it was ok and he forgave me for my stupidity and the next he was lashing out at me. I don't really think he even knows how he feels. He said again that I screwed him royally and I complicated everything. I am sorry for causing him more problems, but if he already confessed to his elders, then I don't see how I could have screwed him anymore than he has already screwed himself. He said that now he is going to have to call his ex-wife and tell her so she knows she's free. I really don't get this whole process. Divorce is hard enough as it is, I would think. He sent me a text message after our phone conversation and said he forgave me, he just needed a break because he was really confused and needed to pray to figure out what the right thing is. On the phone, when he said that I betrayed him and he could never trust me, I agreed with him and said I understood he was better off without me and I wouldn't contact him anymore. Basically I agreed with him about how ignorant I was just to see if it would calm him down, and because I know he is reacting this way primarily out of fear of what is going to happen to him. After I said I understood we can't be together, he told me he never said that and asked me why I was acting like this was the end of the world. He said he just needed some time because he feels very confused by my actions. I am done being turned inside-out over this.

83

I think I did a really bad thing.

by emilyblue in

i do not attend the same hall as my boyfriend because he is currently reproved for being involved with me.

i'm not a witness.

he confessed to his elders that he had sex with someone outside of marriage after his second divorce was already final.

emilyblue

Well, I told him. I told him before I got home and read your post, J-ex-W. I told him over the phone because I am a big fat chicken. He didn't react as badly as I thought he would at first, but then he called me back after he had time to think about it, I guess. He said he couldn't trust me and that I would spill my guts to a perfect stranger. He told me it was none of my f-ing business to tell his business to anyone and asked me why I felt the need to broadcast our previous sex life to someone I don't even know. He asked me if I told her how many times I have a bowel movement, too. He said he could never trust me again and that I have no balance, because I tell lies to him (I lied to him once about how much a handbag cost - which I bought with my own money) yet I will air my dirty laundry to this woman. I tried over and over again to tell him that I never meant to give her his name; I just wasn't thinking, and he said that that was my problem - I never think and I never listen to him. He told me several times not to tell people at my Hall that I was dating him because it was none of their business. He said I really screwed him. Just for the record, even though I'm not a JW, I wasn't raised to think sex outside of marriage is ok. He asked me to marry him pretty early into the relationship, and I loved him so much and I thought we would be married soon, so I did it. I think that's one of the reasons why this is hurting so much.

83

I think I did a really bad thing.

by emilyblue in

i do not attend the same hall as my boyfriend because he is currently reproved for being involved with me.

i'm not a witness.

he confessed to his elders that he had sex with someone outside of marriage after his second divorce was already final.

emilyblue

I know. This has been going on for over a year. In the beginning of our relationship, religion didn't seem to be a problem because he never went to meetings. But now he wants to start getting back into it. After our last really big fight, we broke up for a few days. When we got back together, he said that he realized we were having problems in our relationship because God wasn't blessing us, even though we stopped having sex a few months back because of the guilt he felt over it. He said that in order to have Jehovah's blessing, I needed to become a Witness so we would be evenly yoked spiritually. I disagree with that being the cause of our problems. He hasn't had a stable job in the year that I have been out here with him, and I know we were operating under extreme stress. I know how stressful it is for him to feel financially unstable, and it was putting me through a lot of stress as well because my salary is basically enough to cover my bills and expenses and I didn't want to have to go into savings to help him out and that made him feel unloved. I just didn't feel comfortable paying his back taxes (close to $3,000) when we weren't married. Then I resented him making me feel like I was being selfish about it. Anyway, we've had a lot of arguments over finances especially in the beginning of our relationship, and I admit that did not put me at ease. I just didn't feel like I needed to be responsible for his bills. I just feel that a lot of our stress has nothing to do with being unevenly yoked. Even if I became a Witness, which I'm not, those problems would still be there. I know I need to get out of it; I know. So many of you have given me such good advice in my other thread and I am TRYING to follow it. I really am. It's just a matter of getting my heart to follow my head out of this relationship. I have been hanging on to the hope with each new job that maybe this time things will work out for him and he will be happy and he will be able to straighten himself out and get over his issues from a bad childhood and bad marriages, and I want to be the woman who is at his side when he finally realizes this life isn't so bad after all. I guess it's time to let go of that dream, though, because it may not ever happen. I've already spent a year waiting.

83

I think I did a really bad thing.

by emilyblue in

i do not attend the same hall as my boyfriend because he is currently reproved for being involved with me.

i'm not a witness.

he confessed to his elders that he had sex with someone outside of marriage after his second divorce was already final.

emilyblue

All right. Thanks to all of you so much! I can't shake the feeling that I have stabbed him in the back by pouring out personal information to this woman. I guess at the time I just needed an ear and didn't think twice when she asked his last name. I called her back again and asked if he will find out that I told her those things. She said no, that his elders will not bring up names. They will ask him if there is anything he needs to talk to them about and go from there. She told me that her husband, who has been an elder for years and years, will talk to me Wednesday evening during bible study (if I actually go) and explain the judicial process to me so that I can have a better understanding of what takes place. I really can't wait until Wednesday, though. I'm going to go ahead and tell him tonight that I confided our personal stuff to this lady. He will get very angry, but I would rather just get it over with then worry about him finding out later. It makes me feel too much like a snake in the grass, knowing that he might get blindsided by his elders. She told me that if he only got reproved for his behavior, then he didn't tell his elders the complete story. I don't know enough about this whole process. At this point, I don't think I even want to know. I'll just tell the truth and I'm sure he'll set me free.