ariana, please read this carefully....
You sound just like my mother, she was raised with the dubs, she left them for a while met my father, had me. She experienced a couple of events that led her to the guilt trips as well so she left my father and returned to them. She felt she had to as she was now responsible for another person (me) and did not want me to be destroyed at armageddon. She died twenty years later of cancer. A blood transfusion might have helped her, but of course she refused it. Right until the end. She wasted the last twenty years of her life (and more who knows) on a bunch of men who never gave her a thought unless it was to counsel her on not having a drivers license and car (she was in a bad car accident and had a severe phobia of driving). Even though they expected her to not have a blood transfusion the local elders wouldn't even notify the HLC about her situation even though they knew the blood issue had been raised and would be raised again. Two weeks after her funeral, they were counselling me for not spending enough time in the ministry.
My point is, whatever has happened to you, it is not because you left the jw's. Even the bible tells of 'time and unforseen occurrence. You have a great support network here, if you wish to use it. Just stop and think, please.