Thank you all so much for your encouraging words! I am sure I will be re-reading them quite often :)
I also had gone through the stage where I didn't open up to anyone, kept all of myself inside. And as I grew so did the desire for others to know, not for sympathy or anything, but just that I, as in the real me, was out there. I was in this transition stage when I met her. Before I met I had made the conscious decision that I wanted to be in a relationship and open myself up in that way.
Then suddenly BOOM there she was.
I remember all these feelings gushing up inside of me that I had not felt in to so long. It was all so real sometimes it was hard for me to believe. On our second date, as we laid together (before we'd ever had sex) she said I was just too perfect, there had to be something wrong with me, what was it? I told very briefly and matter of fact my past. And she replied, "That's it?"
I remember the feeling I had at that moment was best feeling and sensation I can remember. FINALLY. It was like affection and acceptance of all of me at once. I will never forget that feeling.
Now those are feelings are erased by her eventual rejection of my healing process. So now I am questioning if I made the wrong decision to be in a relationship, maybe I am not as far along in my healing process as I thought. Or was I so excited at the initial affection that I blinded myself from seeing true colors that eventually would come out? Did I expect too much of her and thus in a way am also personally responsible for this pain I feel now? What about the next time, if there is a next time, will I make a similar mistake and this only one event in an endless cycle? Am I going to be forced to date only ex-JW's because they are the only ones that may be able to handle me and all my bullsh*t?
Too many questions about myself that I feel I can't answer, and I'm letting myself and my thoughts swirl around in my head like a turd in a toilet, and I can't seem to make it stop.
Posts by feenx
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11What to do when your JW + Silentlamb pasts ends in relationship rejection
by feenx ini find myself today completely distraught, rejected and questioning myself for the first time in quite a while.
this past friday night i ran into my recent ex and some mutual friends, and the new guy she is seeing.
the very guy who she herself referred to previously as a "man whore.
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feenx
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What to do when your JW + Silentlamb pasts ends in relationship rejection
by feenx ini find myself today completely distraught, rejected and questioning myself for the first time in quite a while.
this past friday night i ran into my recent ex and some mutual friends, and the new guy she is seeing.
the very guy who she herself referred to previously as a "man whore.
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feenx
I find myself today completely distraught, rejected and questioning myself for the first time in quite a while.
This past Friday night I ran into my recent ex and some mutual friends, and the new guy she is seeing. The very guy who she herself referred to previously as a "man whore." At first I was dismayed, not understanding how I could be replaced so easily. But then all the pieces of the puzzle started to come together.
She can go over to our friends house with this guy, as they have also known him for a while, and have a foursome like nothing has changed. He can give her all the attention she needs that I could not or would not as she can require a lot of attention. She can F*ck him, which really stings because she rarely wanted sex with me. (in fact the image of him on top of her is SEARED in my brain, I literally have not been able to get it out of my head for three days now). And ALLLLLL of this she can do WITHOUT having to deal with any of things I am working through, without having to talk about anything deep with him. Basically all the things she hated about OUR relationship are now gone.
And so not only now do I feel completely rejected in a relationship sense, but now it's also on a very VERY personal level, as I realize just how much my JW upbrining, my being a Silentlamb for years and as an adult trying to work through, make sense, heal and move on from all that truly drove this person away.
It makes me question myself, my path, my pain, my motivation, my drive. Really just about everything. I feel like a rag doll that served it's purpose, but when that doll started showing real needs and emotions was just thrown away and a new one bought.
For the first time, I feel utterly helpless. When my grandfather would rape me, or when mother would attempt suicide, I always had me. I counted on and depended on me. And now, as an adult, I AM the one I'm questioning and feel can't be depended on... -
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WTF! my ex came into my place yesterday....
by feenx inand swiped all the curtains, which will do her no good because she doesn't even have a big sliding glass door to put them on, and she took the friggin sheets of my damn bed...because back when we were living together last year she paid for the stuff.
no warning, nothing.
i come home yesterday from work and there's crap strewn all over from the nicknacks and what not she took and all the windows are bare.
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feenx
yeah I thought about that too, if she made copies. I'd hate for her to come in while I'm in the middle of *ahem* something. At first I just totally shook it off, I gotta say though, it got irritating once it got dark to have this huge ass window wide open at night for the whole neighborhood to see into straight into. :/ But yeah...could've been worse. She gave me a leather recliner, at least she didn't take that back too. Or any of the other furniture.
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WTF! my ex came into my place yesterday....
by feenx inand swiped all the curtains, which will do her no good because she doesn't even have a big sliding glass door to put them on, and she took the friggin sheets of my damn bed...because back when we were living together last year she paid for the stuff.
no warning, nothing.
i come home yesterday from work and there's crap strewn all over from the nicknacks and what not she took and all the windows are bare.
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feenx
and swiped all the curtains, which will do her no good because she doesn't even have a big sliding glass door to put them on, AND she took the friggin sheets of my damn bed...because back when we were living together last year she paid for the stuff. No warning, nothing. I come home yesterday from work and there's crap strewn all over from the nicknacks and what not she took and all the windows are bare. WTF??
Thank CHRIST she at least had the decency to leave the key there, so I dont have to worry about her coming in anymore. -
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Stuck in the "Truth"
by IMustBreakAway ini notice from comments posted that many here who post (and untold scores who lurk) are still "in".
perhaps their social / family circles are too constricted for freedom of mind, and or, they are too afraid to rock the boat.
or too young to strike out on their own and are dependent on jw parents for support.
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feenx
I dont know of any sites like that, though not that it would matter for me...I have always been curious about the lurkers though. I wonder what it is that draws them here, if they find what they're looking for, and if they continue to come back why they never post. because as you say, people here post incognito.
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Torn between being Gay and the Truth.........
by ScoobySnax inis there anything worse than this?
sometimes it is ok, other times it sucks.
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feenx
Scooby, looks like you've gotten a lot of good advice on this thread. I can understand taking it with a grain of salt from those of us outside the organization. However, if I was still inside the organization, my bottom line would be that being gay doesn't mean you suddenly have to stop believing in Jehovah and what you feel is "the Truth." There is a difference between the Truth and the organization. In fact...wasn't the Truth around long before there was a society? Of course.
Being gay doesn't negate your love for God or your beliefs in the Bible. And wouldn't you rather strive to serve God in earnestly and HONESTLY? If you are gay, then that would be the honest thing to do. And isn't honesty and faithfulness based from the heart what, above all, truly matters to Jehovah?
You can't choose whether or not to be gay, you either are or you aren't. That wont change no matter how hard you try to suppress it. But you CAN change being honest with yourself and God, or to keep living a lie for the sake of men. -
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God does not have Multiple Personality Disorder
by Cephyr13 ina jehovah's witness once said that the christian god of the trinity has multiple personality disorder (mpd).
this goes to show their complete lack of understanding of the trinity and how to explain it.. god does not have multiple personality disorder (mpd).
he created us in his image, having three parts.
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feenx
That's quite the theory you've got nailed down there...
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Email Carpet Bomb
by feenx inhey everybody
yesterday i successfully sent off an email carpet bomb to top jiffy lube execs, including the president of the company, in reference to my on going dispute with them.
according to consumerist.com email carpet bombs can be quite successful as companies dont want it reported to the public that direct contact with a top officer of a company went unresolved.
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feenx
Well it's something that consumers are starting to use to resolve complaints. I believe one was launched against T Mobile and was successful. Basically, after you've exhausted the usual channels of trying to get the issue resolved you go straight to the top. You find out who the president, CEO, chairman, CFO etc. etc. etc. on down the line of the company are, which you can find online. Then you look for say a press release from the company. The media contact will usually list their email address, you see how they format it, e.g. [email protected]. Once you have that info you make a massive email list, ALLLLLL the top people are on this list, then you send them all your complaint letter and what you expect them to do about it, with a time limit. If they refuse to reply or help you, then all that info can be sent to consumer groups, such as consumerist.com, and they spread the email and people who it was sent to ALL over the web. That company will a rash of bad publicity. From what I understand several very large companies have responded to such tactics.
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Email Carpet Bomb
by feenx inhey everybody
yesterday i successfully sent off an email carpet bomb to top jiffy lube execs, including the president of the company, in reference to my on going dispute with them.
according to consumerist.com email carpet bombs can be quite successful as companies dont want it reported to the public that direct contact with a top officer of a company went unresolved.
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feenx
Hey everybody
Yesterday I successfully sent off an email carpet bomb to top Jiffy Lube execs, including the president of the company, in reference to my on going dispute with them. According to Consumerist.com email carpet bombs can be quite successful as companies dont want it reported to the public that direct contact with a top officer of a company went unresolved.
Today I thought about how cool it would be if we could do something like that to the borg...however those email addresses would be much harder to come by. But the thought of everyones email in NY going off at the same time with a direct exposure of WTBS atrocities put a smile on my face. I always get a warm feeling inside when I can rock the fantasy boat that is "the society." -
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Reasons You Hated Being A Jehovah's Witness
by minimus inmy biggest reason: the religion is stupid.
plain and simple.
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feenx
SERVICE! especially in condo or apartment complexes, and the ones where you know it's only a matter of time before you get thrown out. I felt like I was walking around with a target on my back, so what...I can knock on some poor persons door to try and share some kind of insane "hope for the future" always made me feel like a tard.