School sucked for me as a witness.
I always wanted to be popular, have friends, have a girlfriend, go to parties, play after school sport, stay the night at friends places, do all the other stuff which was FUN and made you socially acceptable - which made you feel normal - but was disallowed because i was a witness child.
I thought everything everyone did at school was a direct test of satan on me. That's what i was told.
So i tried to go through school living a "double life". I desperatley wanted to be obidient to my witness mother who i loved so much and have her approval... so while i tried hard to pretend i wasn't a witness at school - for fear of being ostracized by my peers - i also was obviously "different" to my friends...and because of this i took a lot of shit for it and eventually became unpopular to the point where i dropped out of high school because i thought no one liked me.
For example: i would never "go out" with girls who wanted to go out with me... because i was afraid they would ring my home and my mum would be "disappointed in me" and angry and upset at me. I remember one of the hottest girls in the grade below me wanted to go out with me... and the whole play ground stood around me and waited for me to asked her out... and when i wouldnt i lost tons of respect from my friends and they asked me if i was gay. And the thing is... i wanted to go out with her deep down... but i was so scared my mom would find out. Since girlfriends are the devil.
I remember in year 8 i was in the "cool" group and they had just discovered alcohol and were sneaking it from their parents and drinking it on the weekends. On monday they would come in and tell there stories. After a few weeks they were like.... "why aren't you coming out with us? what's your problem? Are you scared to drink?" Of course i wasn't - i wanted to do it with them - but i wasnt allowed. I use to pray all the way to school that Jehovah would stop them from asking me what i did on the weekend. I was petrified of facing them and more importantly - losing them as friends when they discovered my religion and having to be by myself in the playground at lunch with no friends. Sure enough, one day i came to school and none of my friends would talk to me. They were ignoring me. I was not cool enough to hang out with them at school since i didn't hang out with the socially on weekends. I know this sounds silly... but i was devastated. It took a HUGE blow to my self esteem. I felt so low. So upset. So different. My friends didnt like me cause i didnt go out with them on the weekends and have fun with them. I would follow them around the playground - since i didnt want to look like a loser by myself with no friends - and they would tell me to f#$k off etc.
Call me a weak person... but i just wanted to fit in - call it "conform" if you will - and have friends at school. After this expierence, and through the rest of high school i was so paranoid about losing friends. Every day coming to school was a stress. Everyone was talking about sex, drugs, parties, partying, all the stuff kids at high school talk about... and i was always left out of the conversations... obvisouly... because i never did any of it with them because i wasn't allowed to. And... as silly as it sounds... i didn't want to disappoint my mom, i loved her very much, and what she had taught me was "true" so i thought i was doing the right thing.
The bottom line is.... all this made me unpopular and shot my self esteem to pieces.
I thought i was a piece of sh-it person who was just totally uncool and no one liked me... even for 5 years after high school.
Now that i look back on it, about 5 years since high school, i see it was because i was a Jehovahs Witness. Which was of course forced upon me as a child. I had no choice. I was detined to be unpopular and stand out like a sore thumb at high school.
Even to this day, i have not made any friends with wordly people because i have always held back with them. I always thought id be going back to meetings. So i was always reserved and never went along with the things they were doing.
Now im at a cross roads. I have ZERO friends since i left the witnesses after leaving high school and my witness friends obviously cut association with me. How do i make friends in the world? Usually people go out with the friends they made at high school for years after high school... and end up making more friends etc. But i have no friends to go out with?
Anyway, im totally confused. I've been having a bible study with a friend who is a witness lately. But it just doesnt seem to click for me - maybe i just want to do my own thing... sex, girlfriends, partying, etc. I don't know. But i have no friends in the world... so i really feel like i have no choice but to go back to meetings.
Anyway... this is my story. I wrote this fast so i hope it makes sense (i didnt edit it). I still don't totally discount it the witnesses beliefs and some of the stuff witnesses say makes sense. But i harbor a lot of resentment towards my parents and witnesses for forcing me to be unpopular all of my life - i had no choice - from when i was a little kid i was always going to be "different". Because my parents chose to be "no part of the world"... i had to do the same... and this forced me into the unpopular, no friends, confused, misery i am in today.