Self-Esteem Shot To Pieces - No Friends

by wheelintheskykeepsonturning 31 Replies latest jw experiences

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  wheelintheskykeepsonturning

  School sucked for me as a witness.

  I always wanted to be popular, have friends, have a girlfriend, go to parties, play after school sport, stay the night at friends places, do all the other stuff which was FUN and made you socially acceptable - which made you feel normal - but was disallowed because i was a witness child.

  I thought everything everyone did at school was a direct test of satan on me. That's what i was told.

  So i tried to go through school living a "double life". I desperatley wanted to be obidient to my witness mother who i loved so much and have her approval... so while i tried hard to pretend i wasn't a witness at school - for fear of being ostracized by my peers - i also was obviously "different" to my friends...and because of this i took a lot of shit for it and eventually became unpopular to the point where i dropped out of high school because i thought no one liked me.

  For example: i would never "go out" with girls who wanted to go out with me... because i was afraid they would ring my home and my mum would be "disappointed in me" and angry and upset at me. I remember one of the hottest girls in the grade below me wanted to go out with me... and the whole play ground stood around me and waited for me to asked her out... and when i wouldnt i lost tons of respect from my friends and they asked me if i was gay. And the thing is... i wanted to go out with her deep down... but i was so scared my mom would find out. Since girlfriends are the devil.

  I remember in year 8 i was in the "cool" group and they had just discovered alcohol and were sneaking it from their parents and drinking it on the weekends. On monday they would come in and tell there stories. After a few weeks they were like.... "why aren't you coming out with us? what's your problem? Are you scared to drink?" Of course i wasn't - i wanted to do it with them - but i wasnt allowed. I use to pray all the way to school that Jehovah would stop them from asking me what i did on the weekend. I was petrified of facing them and more importantly - losing them as friends when they discovered my religion and having to be by myself in the playground at lunch with no friends. Sure enough, one day i came to school and none of my friends would talk to me. They were ignoring me. I was not cool enough to hang out with them at school since i didn't hang out with the socially on weekends. I know this sounds silly... but i was devastated. It took a HUGE blow to my self esteem. I felt so low. So upset. So different. My friends didnt like me cause i didnt go out with them on the weekends and have fun with them. I would follow them around the playground - since i didnt want to look like a loser by myself with no friends - and they would tell me to f#$k off etc.

  Call me a weak person... but i just wanted to fit in - call it "conform" if you will - and have friends at school. After this expierence, and through the rest of high school i was so paranoid about losing friends. Every day coming to school was a stress. Everyone was talking about sex, drugs, parties, partying, all the stuff kids at high school talk about... and i was always left out of the conversations... obvisouly... because i never did any of it with them because i wasn't allowed to. And... as silly as it sounds... i didn't want to disappoint my mom, i loved her very much, and what she had taught me was "true" so i thought i was doing the right thing.

  The bottom line is.... all this made me unpopular and shot my self esteem to pieces.

  I thought i was a piece of sh-it person who was just totally uncool and no one liked me... even for 5 years after high school.

  Now that i look back on it, about 5 years since high school, i see it was because i was a Jehovahs Witness. Which was of course forced upon me as a child. I had no choice. I was detined to be unpopular and stand out like a sore thumb at high school.

  Even to this day, i have not made any friends with wordly people because i have always held back with them. I always thought id be going back to meetings. So i was always reserved and never went along with the things they were doing.

  Now im at a cross roads. I have ZERO friends since i left the witnesses after leaving high school and my witness friends obviously cut association with me. How do i make friends in the world? Usually people go out with the friends they made at high school for years after high school... and end up making more friends etc. But i have no friends to go out with?

  Anyway, im totally confused. I've been having a bible study with a friend who is a witness lately. But it just doesnt seem to click for me - maybe i just want to do my own thing... sex, girlfriends, partying, etc. I don't know. But i have no friends in the world... so i really feel like i have no choice but to go back to meetings.

  Anyway... this is my story. I wrote this fast so i hope it makes sense (i didnt edit it). I still don't totally discount it the witnesses beliefs and some of the stuff witnesses say makes sense. But i harbor a lot of resentment towards my parents and witnesses for forcing me to be unpopular all of my life - i had no choice - from when i was a little kid i was always going to be "different". Because my parents chose to be "no part of the world"... i had to do the same... and this forced me into the unpopular, no friends, confused, misery i am in today.
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  blueviceroy

  Turning wheel spinning endlessly in the heavens

  Don't fret for friends , simply be who you are , get to know yourself an cease looking outwards for completion .

  Fulfillment of desire ie possible once we attune desire to one point or purpose ,become knowledgable about you own inner workings and life will make sense anf this need you have will become satiated.

  Understand your thoughts rather than just acting on them or having a story about them , seperate your emotions and your thoughts and use them to your ends rather than being driven by them to pursue an agenda that isn't your own.

  Our thoughts and emotions should not compell us we should compell them. Regain order within and all we be made simple without.

  Good luck and may the light of divinity guide you clear of confusion.
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  oompa

  Welcome Wheel! you said:

  I wrote this fast so i hope it makes sense (i didnt edit it). I still don't totally discount it the witnesses beliefs and some of the stuff witnesses say makes sense. But i harbor a lot of resentment towards my parents and witnesses for forcing me to be unpopular all of my life - i had no choice - from when i was a little kid i was always going to be "different". Because my parents chose to be "no part of the world"... i had to do the same... and this forced me into the unpopular, no friends, confused, misery i am in today.

  And oh yeah it makes sense! Just like it does for zillions of other witnesses. I was very similar to you in school but was more willing to be be as bad as it took to fit in, and yes that was a lot more fun too. But after school, I no longer hung with my school friends and so reverted back to dubs only friends like you.

  Now LISTEN UP! There are lots of good fun people in JW, but you need to think and study many of the common subjects on this site about JW teachings. Either they are Gods only channel of communication or they are crazy liars.....you need to find out and prove one or the other to yourself.

  Now, say "I will be happy someday" or write it down and put it in your wallet. You can even find happiness without people, but it is a lot harder. How to get friends??? School worked once, it can work again. That and having a job that lets you get to know those around you work well. Long prison sentences work too, and so does the military! The point is, being around people and interacting with them is essential. Volunteer for a good cause. Do no straddle the fence. Get in JW and obey ALL their MANY rules that are nowhere to be found in the Bible, or get on with your life of freedom and make some friends............oompa
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  flipper

  WHEEL- I'm so sorry you had to go through that my friend. I, too was raised in the witnesses, so I know how you feel ! There are really nice people outside of the witnesses Wheel. You have to be choosy and selective as you would have in the witnesses too, about finding " real " people, not fake people who would take advantage of your lack of "worldy " experiences . I would avoid getting involved with drug abusers as they might take advantage of your friendship, just to get their next " fix ". But, I also would suggest counseling and going to group support groups to meet people who want to improve themselves too. If you are able to attend college and get further education, school might help you to meet people also. In retrospect, this JWD forum is also a support group my friend, and we want you to know we care . Many here have been through what you have gone through and would be willing to be a friend and listen and help !

  Many of us have also gone through the shunning you have recieved by the witnesses . it is a cruel and wrong way to treat people, just because we disagree with their beliefs ! So welcome to the JWD forum my friend . We are here to help. If you'd like to private mail me feel free ! Peace to you friend and welcome ! Peace out, Mr.Flipper & Mrs. Flipper
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  Robdar

  How do i make friends in the world?

  Well, I dont advise studying or going back to the kh just to make friends. How are you going to get over your self esteem issues if you continue to act like somebody you aren't?

  You are the artist of your own reality, and it is time to paint in different colors. Paint a beautiful canvas of and for yourself. Get to know yourself and don't judge yourself for what you discover.

  Ask yourself important questions: Are you vibrant? More subdued? What do you desire? What do you despise? Find your passion and then seek it. Along the way, you will meet others with similar interests.
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  delilah

  Welcome, Wheel....I like what Robdar said,

  You are the artist of your own reality, and it is time to paint in different colors. Paint a beautiful canvas of and for yourself. Get to know yourself and don't judge yourself for what you discover.

  Welcome to the rest of your life... Go and discover the REAL you. Have fun...get out, meet new people. I know, it probably seems a bit intimidating right now, but it becomes easier, once you build up your self esteem, and once you begin to make new friends.
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  shopaholic

  Get to know yourself and don't judge yourself for what you discover.

  Other people will judge you because they don't know how to process or deal with anything outside of their comfort zone. It takes time to accept who you really are because as a JW you are conditioned to suppress so many things about yourself. But with time the real you, whoever that is, will start to shine through.
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  Mr. Majestic

  Hi Wheel,

  I have just started off from where you are. It is very difficult. But just to say that there are some sites on the internet that have some good ideas. Try to think of your circumstances as someone who has just moved to a new town or city. They would have to look for new friends and get out and meet people.

  Like has been said, you need to work out what you like yourself, which may be difficult if you have been subject to your mum and the organization, but think about what you have always wanted to do and write it on a list. Personally, I always wanted to do sports, so I looked up on the net about sports that I wanted to do in my area and I have been going to them since. It is going slowly and esteem is an issue same as you. But getting out and feeling fitter has helped a little just the short time that I have been trying, and bit by bit I am starting to fit in with new people. But it is early days yet…..

  I wish you well.
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  5go

  I am in the same boat just remember you didn't really have any friend as a JW you had people you knew on the inside. You need to start knowing people on the outside now then you may start to get some friends.
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  maxwell

  Wheel, Like many others my experience being raised as a JW was similar to yours. Although I voluntarily chose to get baptized and didn't desire to do everything my peers were doing (e.g. alcohol and drugs), I did at times wish I could date, have sex or just have a more normal social life. On top of the restrictive JW life, I was also shy and I was basically the nerd in that small rural area.
  
  When I left the JW, I was 850 miles from where I grew up and where I went to college and I had no friends. I still don't have lots of friends, but I have a few. Sometimes I wish I had the life long type of friends that others have, but you can make friends at any stage in life. I suggest you find some things you like doing and find some people who like doing those things too. For me, that was bicycling and playing music. I found a couple of cycling groups and recently I joined a community concert band.
  
  You may struggle because of not having some common points of reference that most non-JW have, but don't let that stop you. The friend I hang out with the most these days, I met in one of the bicycling groups I ride with. He is from India. He has his citizenship and has adopted many US customs, but as you can imagine, because of the culture where he was raised, he doesn't have many of the common points of reference that most citizens in the US have and probably didn't have many friends when he came here. Yet, he has no problem filling up his house a few times a year when he decides to throw a party. Notably, his friends are diverse. Not even a majority are fellow Indian immigrants. He has found a ways to get out and meet people.
  
  So, don't let lack of friends be the only thing forcing you to stay with the JW. If someone's "friendship" is conditional on you joining the JW or any religion, you have to ask yourself what kind of friends they are. The friends I have now are way better than any I ever had as a JW.