"To thine own self be true"
Hypocrisy is hard work. I can see the inner conflicts it is creating in you.
I was a JW for 50 years, now disfellowshipped, apostate and shunned. Honestly, I am at peace with myself for the first time in my life. I have been DF'd for 6 years now and I'm fine. My family doesn't speak to me, that's fine too. I have and continue to uncover so many lies and inconsistancies in the literature, I was a first shocked. Now its amusing.
Rememeber, the Bethel guy who invented disfellowshipping got a huge bonus because that is the best way to keep you in chains. Some hard choices but you need inner peace.
Best of luck, Fred