"To thine own self be true"
Trust me you can't go on like this. Sooner or later you will blurt it out or go "to far" and be reported to the elders.
I would go out on top. I would raise my hand during the Watchtower study and ask a related question that you know they can't answer. Maybe even research a conflicting quote from another publication. Ask like "If this Watchtower says we should________than why does this Watchtower say we should______. Just say you were doing extensive research and came upon this quote.
Keep doing that until they bust you. See if you can video it and put it on UTube. That would be some funny stuff!!
The way you are feeling your "dead man walking" anyway. You might as well have some fun with it and have a great story and video tape!
If I could only do mine over. I just told the Elders off. One told me he had never heard the "f" word used so much.
Fred www.isnrblog.com