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The Book of Chihuajah
These are the words of Chihuajah the prophet: “Furthermore, it is you Jehovah’s Witnesses God made dead though you were alive according to the system of things of this world, according to the ruler of the authority of the fresh air, the spirit that now operates in the worldlings. Yes, among them you all at one time conducted yourselves in harmony with nature, doing the things that normal people do, and you were naturally normal people even as the rest. But God, who is rich in wrath, made you dead together with the Christ, even when you were alive. Now choose for yourselves today whom you will serve, whether the gods that your parents who were in the congregation served or the gods of the worldlings in whose land you are dwelling. But as for me and my household, we shall not serve Jehovah.”
Now the Governing Body members were old, advanced in days; and they would cover them with banknotes, but they would not feel warm. Keep this mental attitude in you that was also in Charles Taze Russell, who, although he was a haberdasher by trade, gave no consideration to a normal career, namely, that he should be equal to his father. No, but he sold his business and grew a long beard and came to be in the likeness of prophets. More than that, when he wrote books and tracts and sold them in all the world, he found morons who printed and distributed his books for free. And the Bible Students proceeded to do what was bad in the eyes of Jehovah, so that he sold them into the hand of Rutherford the Judge. O how they have come to be without a vision, the people that was abundant with end-time prophecies! Finally God said: “How long will this people treat me without respect? Let me strike them with pestilence and drive them away.” At length the wall came to completion.
God did not hold back from punishing a former Governing Body, but sent Joseph F. Rutherford, a preacher of hogwash, to prison with seven others, not forsaking the gathering of himself and the devil together, as some have the custom, but encouraging Satan, and all the more so as he behold the day that he himself determined drawing near. Likewise he desires the women to adorn themselves in short dress, with pertness and a sense of beauty, not with special witnessing bag or very long skirt, for a wife is bound during all the time her husband is awake. But if her husband should fall asleep, she is free to do what she wants, only with a man. And the Watchtower Society who was misleading them was hurled into the lake of fire and sulphur, where both the pope and Enron already were; and they will be tormented with Kingdom Melodies day and night forever and ever, all the days until the conclusion of the system of things.
When will these things be, and what will be the sign of the conclusion of the system of the Watchtower? For God loved the world so much that the love of the Father is not in him, which is why everyone exercising faith in him might not have everlasting life but be destroyed. A calm heart is the life of the fleshly organism, but witnessing is rottenness to the bones. For there is more happiness in receiving than there is in giving. Thus do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by wish lists and verbal remarks let your petitions be made known to Santa Claus.
Go therefore and make food staples of people of all the nations, terrorizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the holy spirit, and do do not be irritating them, but go on bringing them up in the discipline and mental-regulating of the solid food that belongs to mature people. That statement is faithful. As newborn infants, form a longing for the unadulterated beer belonging to the brewery, that through it you may grow to salvation. Look! I am sending my mailman, and he must bring a parcel to you. For the online retailers are alive and exert power, and their prices are sharper than any two-edged sword and are able to ruin independent shops. Consequently I entreat you to present your wallets a sacrifice living, holy, acceptable to businessmen. Certainly if anyone does not provide for the rich, and especially for the super-rich, he has disowned the faith and is worse than a jobless person.
In the beginning God created death and mourning and outcry and pain. And Jehovah God proceeded to form the moron out of dust from the ground and to blow into his nostrils the breath of life, and the moron came to be a living soul. And you, o worm, the one too little to get to be among the elephants of Africa, you will be eaten by a bird who will defile the car of the one who is to become ruler in Israel. For God knows that in the very day of your eating from the fly agaric you will positively die, and you are bound to be like God. For you should drive away instead of staying at home. Let your vacation come. Let your towel lie, as on your own deckchair, also on another.
Further, Santa Claus blessed them and he said to them: “Be fruitful and become many and fill the malls and subdue them. And you should know and have the insight that from the going forth of the word to restore and to rebuild the Christmas fair until Epiphany, there will be roughly thirty-five days, also sixty days. For religion is a root of all sorts of injurious things, and by reaching out for this nonsense some have been led astray from reason and have stabbed their fellows all over with many pains. My lord, you are the one that knows!”
But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let these make their robes white in the blood of the lamb first. For in the beginning the detergent was, and the detergent was near the washing machine, and the washing machine was broken. Which really is the faithful and discreet detergent that its master appointed over his washing machine, to wash him his clothes at the proper time? But as for the detergent you must not eat from it, for in the day you eat from it you will positively become clean. Be obedient to those who are doing the laundry among you; that they may do this with detergent and not with muriatic acid, for this would be damaging to you. Moreover, without clean laundry it is impossible to please God well, for he that approaches God must believe that he eats and bring him something to eat.
Put your eyes into the sewer system and see. Who has created these things? It is the One who is bringing forth the rats even by number, all of whom he calls even by name. And he made a covenant with the cockroaches, for a kingdom according to the system of things of this world. This means everlasting vomiting, their taking in dishes from McDonalds, and of the one who follows, Burger King. All crap is produced by God’s creatures and beneficial for dying, for vomiting, for gritting one’s teeth, for abstaining from righteousness, that the man be fully incompetent for living. For this reason a man will leave his father and his wife and will stick to his mother, and the two will be one flesh.
For there has been a piglet born to us, there has been a calf given to us; and a delicious roast will come to be made from its shoulder. And its name will be called roast beef, escalope, veal shank, calves liverwurst. Do not be misled. Bad associations spoil useful dietary habits. For vegetarians will be without natural affection, not open to any steak, slanderers, without barbecue, fierce, without love of pork roast. But you are “a chosen race, a holy nation, a people for special possession, and I will rock all the butchers, and the desirable things of all the animal species must come in; and I will fill your stomachs with glory for an administration at the full limit of your stomachs, namely, to gather all foods together again in the stomach, the animal-based foods and the plant-based foods. But you will receive power when the holy spirit arrives upon you, and you will be witnesses of me both in your own bathroom and in every public toilet and to the most distant public privy. And the peace of God that excels all smell will guard your noses, and you will find refreshment for your souls.”
Train up a boy according to the way for him. “And I shall put enmity between him and his mother and between his PlayStation and her record player. For then I shall give to youths the change to a pure language, in order for their parents to not understand them anymore. And you will ask your son something when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up, but there will be no one answering, and there will be no paying of attention.”
Everything he has made pretty in its time. Even mold he has put in the bathroom, that mankind may never be able to clean the bathroom from the start to the finish. You must pray, then, this way: “Our Father in the heavens, let my bathroom be cleaned. Let my cleaning bucket come. And do not bring us into the puddle, but deliver us from the dirt.” But there is new mold and new dust that we are awaiting according to his promise, and these will also dwell in the bathroom. For his invisible qualities are clearly smelt from the world’s creation onward, because they are perceived by the things made in the bathroom. “Truly I say to you, even the twelve apostles will themselves sit upon twelve toilets, judging the twelve flies as they look intently at the Chief Agent and Perfecter of their business, the toilet paper.”
“If anyone wants to come after me, let him get behind the wheel and follow me continually. But let every soul be in subjection to the superior authorities when they regulate the flow of traffic. Happy are those conscious of the road traffic regulations and who from infancy have known the traffic signs, which are able to make you wise for driving. Deaden, therefore, your car parts as respects the accelerator pedal. The lamp of the car is the headlight. If, then, your headlight is broken, the whole road will be dark, and the police will stop you. After these things I saw, and, look! a great amount of cars, which no man was able to number, out of all brands and colors and types, standing in a traffic jam on the motorway; and there were tires at their wheels. Be wrathful, and yet do not sin; let the sun not set with you in a provoked state. By this all will know that you are idiots, if you honk loudly.”
I am giving you a new commandment as respects fornication, uncleanness, sexual appetite, and hurtful desire, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, that you also love one another. For nation will rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be lousy music and ridiculous costumes in one place after another. And this good news of the Eurovision Song Contest will be preached in all the inhabited earth for a witness to all the TV viewers; and then the show will come. Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will perform there. And because of their singing all the tribes of the earth will beat themselves in lamentation. But we have hope toward God, which hope these men themselves also entertain, that there is going to be an outage of both the video and the audio transmission. And you will know the off button, and the off button will set you free.
And God proceeded to create the fools in his image; stupid and damn stupid he created them. And to the train riders he said: “I shall greatly increase the pain of your train journeys; with frozen feed you will get off because the heating is broken, and your craving will be for the summer when the air condition had been out of order. And you must keep abstaining from coaches full of football supporters and from beer and from things vomited and from lubrication. Even If you carefully keep yourselves from these things, you will not prosper though. Good health to you!” For the railroad was subjected to filthiness, not by its own will but through those that subjected it, on the basis of hope that the railroad itself also will be set free from enslavement to football supporters and have the glorious freedom of the true railroad. “You express trains, continue dwelling in like manner with the local trains according to knowledge, assigning them honor as to a weaker vessel, the slower one. For here I am creating new trains and new engines; and the former trains will not be called to the station, neither will they come up in the timetable. Truly I say to you that this generation will by no means pass away until all these things occur.”
And I saw the spiritually dead, the great and the small, standing on the stage, and microphones were switched on. And the singers were judged out of those things they let loose according to their singing. But Randy Jackson became wrathful, and his own wrath came, and the appointed time for the singers to be judged, and to bring to ruin those ruining the earth with their singing. Happy are the deaf-dumb, for they do not hear it. So, then, because we have so great a cloud of idiots surrounding us, let us also put off the remote control and the TV paper that easily entangles us. “Truly I tell you today, You will be without TV in paradise.”
“But I want you to know that the head of every mouse is the cat; in turn the head of a cat is the dog; in turn the head of the dog is the man. And you, o cook, remember your grand fryolator in the days of your work, before the hungry guests proceed to come and complain about the long wait. And you shall subdue the fish of the sea and the flying creatures of the heavens and the domestic animals and every moving animal that is moving upon the earth, and you shall prepare them. And there will be great pancakes, and in one place after another fruits and vegetables; and there will be tasteful cakes and from the confectionary great strawberry pies. Furthermore, when you see the bakery surrounded by upset customers and food control officers, then know that the closure of it has drawn near.”
Is there anyone sick among you? Let him call the physicians, and let them prescribe medication, putting him to death in the name of the pharmaceutical industry. And the physicians gathered them together to the place that is called in English golf course. Therefore, since we have these promises, beloved ones, let us cleanse ourselves of every disease of flesh and spirit, and let us not become unevenly yoked with physicians. For whenever it is that they are saying: “Here is your prescription!” then sudden destruction is to be instantly upon you as the pang of distress upon a pregnant woman; and you will by no means escape.
