I think I may have lost a friend. During the past week I had several conversations with her about some of the things I noticed in her behavior and things she said, my friend became visibly upset and again sort of transformed into someone I didn't even recognize right in front of me. Our conversations ended with her telling me I wasn't a psychiatrist and I didn't know what I was talking about. At one point I didn't even recognize her voice because it started to sound like someone else's voice. She also began to sound very self-righeous in her tone and manner. I don't know any other way to explain it, but the sound quality of her voice changed and she sounded like someone else. I knew I was getting though to her because during the conversations she would briefly start to tear up as if she was trying to let it go, but then all of a sudden start to repeat something from the bible. She even went so far as to tell me that her husband was a "good man" and a "good provider" and that I didn't know him. My jaw hit the floor and again I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Just two weeks ago and for the past several years I've heard her talk about what a tortured life she has been living with this man. From him waking her up at in the middle of the night to talk about the bible, to listening to him putting her down for everything she tries to do. I read some of the other comments on this page and I understand there are two sides to every story, but the emotion and facial expressions my friend demonstrated were genuine and straight from her heart. The kind of emotion I feel I saw in her that can't be hidden or faked. Also, I have met her husband and I believe her. My heart is breaking for my friend, while talking with her, I continued to tell her what a good, loving person she has been to me and all of the people I see her interact with. I have seen this woman give up so much time to help people around her that she barely has time for herself at the end of the day. She works, raises her child, spends at least 3 days a week during work for her church or attending her meetings. And when she isn't participating in those activities she is constantly working or thinking about someone else to help other than herself. I have also done some more reading on the internet about the JW religion. My friend is now 40. I've read stories about women much younger in their teens and early 20's that have gotten better or away from their oppressive relationships with their families and their religious organizations, but I am worried my friend may have waited too long to try to change or to even realize that she needs to change. Of the people reading my messages, do any of you know what kind of percentage of women my friends age successfully get away from such situations? Lastly, I looked back on my relationship with my friend and have noticed several contradicting behaviors I wonder how many other JW's participate in. For example, every holiday season I would mention what I was doing with family or non-JW friends and my friend would say, "we don't celebrate holidays". I respected her for her beliefs and her religion, but then I would see her after the holiday and she would tell me about a party she threw or attended with her JW friends and relatives. Also, she would always give me a little present or card around my birthday which actually said "Happy Birthday" on it. But when I asked her about her own birthday or her child's birthday, she just said, "well we don't celebrate that, because that's not what we believe". Also, whenever the subject of government or voting or America came up my friend would distance herself from these topics, but I noticed she would also comment on how many of her JW friends didn't seem to have a difficult time when they wanted to sue someone in court or get some type of legal retribution for some wrong that was done to them. It seemed they used the system to their benefit even though they didn't believe in it or supported it. My question would be how can this be? Are other JW's like this or is my friend just one unusual exception? I started this message by saying I think I may lost this friend. Our relationship has been tested this past week with a lot of stressful conversation. I have taken some of the advice given here and continue to tell her what a wonderful person she is and I try to be as supportive as I can. I will continue to do that no matter what because deep down she really is a wonderful human being who I think is in a circumstance which is overwhelming her.
lisa_82069
JoinedPosts by lisa_82069
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43
JW woman in trouble
by lisa_82069 ini am not a jw and only know what my friend has told me about the faith.
i saw this website and decided to see if i could get another opinion on this matter.
during the course of my business, i have met and become friends with a troubled woman who was born into a jw family.
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43
JW woman in trouble
by lisa_82069 ini am not a jw and only know what my friend has told me about the faith.
i saw this website and decided to see if i could get another opinion on this matter.
during the course of my business, i have met and become friends with a troubled woman who was born into a jw family.
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lisa_82069
I got some time to talk with my friend a little over the last couple days and found out some more very disturbing information. She was in her depressed mood and I asked if everything was ok. Before I knew it the flood gates started pouring open and she was in tears telling me things I would have never imagined. I am still in a little shock. She said she has been so lonely and depressed that she strayed from her husband with a "worldly" man. I found out that meant someone not of her faith. This man was very kind to her and she had fallen in love with him over the last year and committed adultery with him. I asked if her husband had found out. She said she told her husband and that she went to her "elders" and told them as well. Besides the adultery, she told me she had found an apartment to move into and was planning on leaving her husband whether she could afford it or not. I think she was trying to find a way out with the other man and was hoping to get a divorce because what she said next really shocked me. She said her husband forgave her and at the meeting with the elders she said they told her if he didn't want a divorce she couldn't get one. She started crying even harder and said the elders told her if her husband forgave her and they went home and he had sex with her, that it would be like everything was "ok". I was speechless at this point and didn't know what to say. She explained that adultery was something that could cause a divorce, but I don't think she thought her husband would react the way he did. To make matters even more confusing, she said most of this meeting and her trying to leave took place right before her last "annual convention". I looked up these conventions and have heard they are a big event for the JW's that get them all fired up with religious fervor. She said right after she told her husband, there were several meetings with the elders and at the point where her husband found out about the apartment, he went and got some other family members and they convinced her that if she left her husband her son would lose his soul and she would be "disfellowshipped" and not able to see her son. At this point, I am having trouble understanding how any of this could happen and don't know if there is any way to help her. She has spent the last few months since that convention going in and out of depression and happiness in a very un-normal pattern. I don't think she even understood when I explained how the justice system in America would not take her child away from her if she did get a divorce which she didn't need her husband's permission for anyway.
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43
JW woman in trouble
by lisa_82069 ini am not a jw and only know what my friend has told me about the faith.
i saw this website and decided to see if i could get another opinion on this matter.
during the course of my business, i have met and become friends with a troubled woman who was born into a jw family.
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lisa_82069
Her child is about five. It's strange you should mention the private bank account. I remember her telling me once that she didn't know how much money her and her husband of 12 years had in the savings. I've spent the last hour looking through the internet and am deeply saddened by what I am finding out about the religion of my friend. Thank you for your help.
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43
JW woman in trouble
by lisa_82069 ini am not a jw and only know what my friend has told me about the faith.
i saw this website and decided to see if i could get another opinion on this matter.
during the course of my business, i have met and become friends with a troubled woman who was born into a jw family.
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lisa_82069
I am not a JW and only know what my friend has told me about the faith. I saw this website and decided to see if I could get another opinion on this matter. During the course of my business, I have met and become friends with a troubled woman who was born into a JW family. I've known her for almost ten years. She is married to a JW man and has a child. Over the years I have noticed her behavior swing from one extreme to another. Being happy and euphoric one time and severely depressed the next. There doesn't seem to be too much middle ground for her.
I haven't asked to many questions, most of what I know she volunteered to me. When I do ask a question about her mood or some comment she has made, I get the following response very often, "you wouldn't understand", "there's a lot more to tell you" but she rarely follows up with anything but silence. I've also noticed that when I ask her about her religion she sort of transforms into a robot and starts reciting biblical quotes and scripture that has almost nothing to do with what we are talking about.
Also, when ever there is some tension or conflict in her life, she will divert any conversation about it and go off on a tangent which also doesn't have anything to do with the topic. Many times the conversations end with her exclaiming how awful a person she thinks she is and has become.
She is a very sweet person at heart, attractive, loving, caring and giving, but is always complaining about the mental abuse her husband gives her and the men from the Kingdom Hall which she attends. At times, she will make statements like, "I'm just going to run away and get out of here and go start a new life somewhere that no one knows me." When I suggested she get counseling she said, "the only counseling I can get is from the Kingdom Hall and I would have to go in front of a panel of men who would side with my husband"
I asked her why she doesn't get a legal divorce and she replied, "my husband would never give me a divorce, besides he told me if I ever tried to leave him, he would take my child away from me." She said her husband had forged some birth certificates and documentation that would make it easy for him to disappear with her child. At that point I suggested she tell her family, (mother, father, sisters) but she said when she told her parents, they just said she should pray for answer from God.
To make matters worse, she confided in me that her husband cheated on her and the men in the religion made her feel like it was her fault for not being a good wife. When I spoke to her about this she said "many women in the JW faith are like her". I only know my friend so I can not comment on that. I was hoping to get another perspective or advice as to how to handle this. I see a woman who has become a friend over the years slowly being destroyed in what seems to be a bad marriage and religion that seems to encompass her entire social and economical life.
Thank you in advance to anyone offering their insight or help.