JW woman in trouble

lisa_82069

I am not a JW and only know what my friend has told me about the faith. I saw this website and decided to see if I could get another opinion on this matter. During the course of my business, I have met and become friends with a troubled woman who was born into a JW family. I've known her for almost ten years. She is married to a JW man and has a child. Over the years I have noticed her behavior swing from one extreme to another. Being happy and euphoric one time and severely depressed the next. There doesn't seem to be too much middle ground for her.

I haven't asked to many questions, most of what I know she volunteered to me. When I do ask a question about her mood or some comment she has made, I get the following response very often, "you wouldn't understand", "there's a lot more to tell you" but she rarely follows up with anything but silence. I've also noticed that when I ask her about her religion she sort of transforms into a robot and starts reciting biblical quotes and scripture that has almost nothing to do with what we are talking about.

Also, when ever there is some tension or conflict in her life, she will divert any conversation about it and go off on a tangent which also doesn't have anything to do with the topic. Many times the conversations end with her exclaiming how awful a person she thinks she is and has become.

She is a very sweet person at heart, attractive, loving, caring and giving, but is always complaining about the mental abuse her husband gives her and the men from the Kingdom Hall which she attends. At times, she will make statements like, "I'm just going to run away and get out of here and go start a new life somewhere that no one knows me." When I suggested she get counseling she said, "the only counseling I can get is from the Kingdom Hall and I would have to go in front of a panel of men who would side with my husband"

I asked her why she doesn't get a legal divorce and she replied, "my husband would never give me a divorce, besides he told me if I ever tried to leave him, he would take my child away from me." She said her husband had forged some birth certificates and documentation that would make it easy for him to disappear with her child. At that point I suggested she tell her family, (mother, father, sisters) but she said when she told her parents, they just said she should pray for answer from God.

To make matters worse, she confided in me that her husband cheated on her and the men in the religion made her feel like it was her fault for not being a good wife. When I spoke to her about this she said "many women in the JW faith are like her". I only know my friend so I can not comment on that. I was hoping to get another perspective or advice as to how to handle this. I see a woman who has become a friend over the years slowly being destroyed in what seems to be a bad marriage and religion that seems to encompass her entire social and economical life.

Thank you in advance to anyone offering their insight or help.

Low-Key Lysmith

Sadly, this is a pretty textbook example of how women are treated by the Watchtower Bible & Tract Society. Women are regarded as inferior to men and wives are commanded to "be submissive". The repercussions that your friend cited are true. She would be brought before a group of "Good Ol' Boys" and would be told, at the very least, to "rely on Jehovah" for answers & solutions. If she acts up at all or shows any signs of free thinking or standing up for herself, the repercussions could be pretty severe, up to and including "disfellowshipping" which would cause instant and complete shunning by all of the people that she currently knows and cares about within the organization, including her child.

The best thing that she could do is run away. Leave it all behind. The Jehovahs Witnesses are a very destructive, sinister, and controlling group of people.

dawg

I don't think I've ever known a JW or ex-JW that isn't at least a little bi-Polar. I've been wondering lately what casues this? My thoughts is that we who have either been in that crappy religion, or are in it now, know are not living the life we really want to live, and if/when we leave, we know that our famlies and former friends are sure to shun us. So, I would venture that almost every Jw knows that the religion is crap, but doesn't have the nerves to leave it and lose their famlies.

Just look at the situation you describe, can you honestly say this lady is happy?: Hell not she isn't... and she must live this lie of a life to please everyone else; or she can become disfellowshipped as they call it (excommunicated) and have her whole life torn apart... when she's quoting those scriptures and babbling like a banshee, then she's trying to convince herself as much as she's trying to convince you.. and the real coup de grais, is when they actually get a person to agree with their babbling, a new convert makes the JW happier than life itself, as it confirms to them the nonscense they believe isn't so damn unbelieveable.

Sad isn't it? That a person can find themselves in a situation like this... my family haven't had a family relationship with me for over 18 years, and haven't spoken a word to me since I decided that my cowardice, my remaining silent over this BS religion was sure to hurt others in y family, make them all slaves to this group of fanatics? Its a hard desision, and one I'm glad I made, but I can certainly see the reasons for her depression.

jgnat

This is an abused woman. I notice she has also hemmed herself in so that she does not have to take responsibility to change. This is pretty typical of an abusive relationship. The religion does make it worse, but like an alcoholic who keeps going back to the source of her troubles, she also is clinging tightly to the only life she knows.

I think step one is helping raise her self-esteem, and to help her start making decisions for herself. As odd as it sounds, I think small steps like a personal, private bank account can help.

How old is the child? You can also help her by asking her what her hopes and plans are when her child is grown.

Here are some resources that might help.

http://www.eqi.org/eitoc.htm

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006_12_01_archive.html

Some of those highs and lows also remind me of bipolar disorder. The next time she is wacky-high, see if you can convince her to go see her family doctor.

drew sagan

Because the Jehovah's Witness religion is male dominated women often can be abused within it's system. There are no checks and balances within the group that operate for womens rights. Women who seek help often within the religions authority structure many times can find themselves in a worse position than where they started.

Even if you don't share this with her, I suggest you listen to this audio file:

Shirley Jackson life story

Its a sad story (with a bit of hope). It illustrates well what can happen to women in the Watchtower.

You also might want to try to get the book Crisis of Conscience in her hands. Most likely she will reject anything you try to offer her, but it might be worth a shot.

More than anything else show love to her. Just somebody outside the religion showing them care can help.

lisa_82069

Her child is about five. It's strange you should mention the private bank account. I remember her telling me once that she didn't know how much money her and her husband of 12 years had in the savings. I've spent the last hour looking through the internet and am deeply saddened by what I am finding out about the religion of my friend. Thank you for your help.

AudeSapere

I feel for your friend. My mother was emotionally and physically abused by my dad - even while he was an elder in the JW organization. We all were. My parents eventually divorced. My dad is out and mother is still in but I have no relationship with her.

My mother quite readily gives up her right and responsibility to make decisions. She has five children but can only have a relationship with one at a time. She sees herself to be at the mercy of the ~~men~~ elders in her current congregation to tell her what she can and cannot do. She even looked to them to let her know if it was OK to attend her own son's wedding (held at the Courthouse).

In my mother's case, I don't know which was the cause and which was the effect, but Oh!! so many JW women find themselves in abusive situations. And it's true. In all likelihood, your friend's elders will blame her for her husband's bad behaviour.

I've spent the last hour looking through the internet and am deeply saddened by what I am finding out about the religion of my friend.

This is very good news to those of us hoping to keep unsuspecting people from voluntarily joining this High Control Group - which many here consider to be a cult. It's good news because it means that the 'Truth' about this organization is being preached and is available to all who will look for it.

-Aude Sapere (meaning: Dare to Know; Dare to Have Wisdom/Understanding; Dare to Think for Yourself)

Hope4Others

This doesn't sound good she has no idea of their financial situation, I suppose she hands over her cheque to him. The thing about women abused they can't see it. Its not

easy to guide them in the right direction. My personal opinion is that the abused has to come to the conclusion themselves that they are abused and admit they need some

help or want the change in order to be helped or accept help.

Hope4Others

jgnat

The separate bank account thing sounds really trivial, but it's not. I've got years behind me counselling and supporting single parents and abused spouses. Controlling the money is a big deal. If she can quietly break free of that control, it's the first step towards independence on her part.

Gayle

Does she work with you,,you said you met in the course of your business? I understand for women who are abused, they must have a plan. Is her child a son or daughter? If a daughter, would she want her daughter to have a life like hers? She must make a planned action. It is very true that the elders of JWs will take sides of her husband. It's wonderful that she has confided in you to this point. Does she have a health plan that she could speak with a counselor and help direct her? Does her husband know you, I hope not,,as he will try to forbid her to not speak with you as he will not see that he has a problem,,only its her and possibly you and consider you a bad influence on her since you are not a JW believer. Is she working now, encourage her to develop skills as part of her plan and focus. Best wishes to you.

JW woman in trouble

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