I've thought and said too much to ever gain Jehovahs forgiveness and love if I want to be a Christian again. I made a topic on my unforgivable sin and blaspemy of the holy spirit.
I feel saddness everyday having no relationship with God, no religion And FEAR OF THE AFTERLIFE. Even when I was kid I feared death and the end of the world. I use to pray that I would get cancer and die before Jehovah destroyed the earth so I couldnt see it I would be too scared.
But when I was a kid I had the hope of paradise. Now I have no hope. None.
It makes me sad that I have no good relationship with God. No religion.
I envy other JWs who grew up in a decent home with mentally stable JWs and are now living life happily as JWs. My brother is the only nice Jehovah Witness in my family. The others were mean, abusive, used God for excuses, etc.
I wake up anxious, afraid and so sad