Mattieu

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Posts by Mattieu

• 
  16

  Australian BBQ etiquette

  by Mattieu in

  1. social
  2. humour

  bbq rules.

  we are about to enter the bbq season.

  therefore it is important to refresh.

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  Mattieu

  Lillith & wantstoleave, I am having a dinner for 20 family & friends tomorrow night, no bbq and I am preparing, marinating cooking & cleaning everything! I did my menu this arvo, did grocery shopping tonight and heading to the butchers tomorrow. So if you guys are in town................ then yes!

  When it comes to BBQ, I don’t follow the joke rules, I believe in giving the better half the night off, then to reward myself, I indulge in some of the finest Australian wine..............

  Cheers big ears.....

  Mattieu

  PS: You are always welcome to Oompa, I will shout half your airfare the way the Aussie dollar is going!
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  24

  Shower Sex

  by Mattieu in

  1. social
  2. humour

  in a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (brut), people.

  from detroit and chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex.

  in the shower!.

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  Mattieu

  In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people
  from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex
  in the shower!
  
  In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago's inner city residents said
  that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
  
  
  The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
• 
  9

  THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

  by Mattieu in

  1. social
  2. humour

  a.. during all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip.

  club at least once.. .

  b.. when they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak english to each.

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  Mattieu

  a.. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip
  club at least once.
  
  b.. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
  other.
  
  c.. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing
  St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
  
  d.. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
  armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying
  beside her.
  
  e.. The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or
  give him 48 hours to finish the job.
  
  f.. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
  
  g.. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk
  you down.
  
  h.. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place -
  noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any
  other part of the building undetected.
  
  i.. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
  they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
  
  j.. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  
  k.. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
  readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
  
  l.. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition,
  even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
  
  m.. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
  the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  
  n.. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
  be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
  
  o.. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
  beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his
  forthcoming art exhibition.
  
  p.. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
  will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  
  q.. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a
  bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the
  exact fare.
  
  r.. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
  you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
  
  s.. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
  noises in their most revealing underwear.
  
  t.. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
  morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
  
  u.. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
  
  v.. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
  
  w.. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK
  stadium.
  
  x.. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
  
  y.. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
  
  z.. It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone
  conversations.
  
  aa.. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
  turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  
  ab.. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
  visiting.
  
  ac.. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
  duty.
  
  
  ad.. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
  martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing
  around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
  predecessors.
  
  ae.. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will
  never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
  
  af.. No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
  eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
  
  ag.. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
  
  ah.. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
  
  ai.. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -
  unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
  
  aj.. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
  personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
• 
  16

  Australian BBQ etiquette

  by Mattieu in

  1. social
  2. humour

  bbq rules.

  we are about to enter the bbq season.

  therefore it is important to refresh.

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  Mattieu

  BBQ RULES
  
  We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh
  your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity .
  When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
  into motion:
  
  Routine...
  (1) The woman buys the food.
  (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
  (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
  the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
  lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
  (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone
  where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities
  can take place without the interference of the woman.
  
  Here comes the important part:
  (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
  
  More routine...
  (6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
  (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He
  thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
  
  Important again:
  (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
  
  More routine...
  (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
  and brings them to the table.
  
  (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
  
  And most important of all:
  (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
  
  (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon
  seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
  women!
• 

  Falling Brick!

  by Mattieu in

  1. social
  2. humour

  two mates are on the roof of a building one of them says "watch this"..... he throws a brick off the roof and yells "falling brick".... the brick.

  smashes on the gound.

  he hands a brick to his mate who has a chronic.

• 

  Mattieu

  Two mates are on the roof of a building one of them says "watch this"....
  he throws a brick off the roof and yells "FALLING BRICK".... the brick
  smashes on the gound. He hands a brick to his mate who has a chronic
  stutter, he then throws the brick off and yells "F....... F...... F.....
  F.... F.. u. c.
  k........... I hit him!
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  17

  Cuppa T char?

  by highdose in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  in convasation with a american recently i was introduced to the horrific concept of putting cream in tea?!?

  they in turn were appaulled by the idea of milk in tea with 12 sugars ( al la builders tea).. so before i put the kettle on, how do you take your tea?.

  ( mine is english breakfast, milk no sugar, middle strenght).

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  Mattieu

  English breakfast or orange peko, strong, white no sugar.

  Cheers,

  Mattieu
• 
  9

  See you in Paradise

  by Mattieu in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i was looking through a relatives photo album last weekend and saw pictures of their trip to an international convention in asia in the early 1990s.

  on the final day the local bro & sis were all holding placards with phrases such as see you in paradise.. that reminded me of the last international i went to in sydney about 5 years ago, same thing happened on the last day, similar placards with similar phrases.

  there was also a lot of random hugging of bro & sis in international costumes.

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  Mattieu

  Sorry to hear Hopscotch, I have nothing but negative memories of that convention, though nothing compared to what you have gone through.

  Mattieu.
• 
  66

  The guy that claimed he was going to bring down the WTBTS

  by Scarred for life in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i haven't been on the board for several weeks until yesterday.

  there was a guy that was a regular poster that was starting some kind of email campaign that he claimed was going to bring down the wtbts.

  i can't remember his name.

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  Mattieu

  To answer CT's question, yes a lot of big corporations have been brought down, almost all of them by their own stupidity or greed

  I agree, though most corporations have been brought down due to internal “whistleblowers”. If the WTBS collapses (and yes one day it will), it will be due to people on the “inside” who are disenchanted and throw enough mud to make it stick.

  This site is well supported by many former insiders (whose experiences and comments have assisted me in my exit). The current retirement of many hard working genuine bethelites, will cause many insiders to stop and think “am I next”. A lack of security and disenchantment is the first step to standing back and analysing the organisation you work for, in this case bethelites/wtbs.
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  4

  Brush with Scientology

  by JimmyPage in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  the first time i went "inactive" (before i ever read any franz or hassan) i looked around a bit at other religions.

  one that interested me was scientology.

  (hm... out of one cult and into another, i know...) .

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  Mattieu

  Hi Jimmy,

  Not that I was attracted to their religion, but I always made sure I had time to listen to the Mormon’s. I used to know how I felt as a young pioneer going around door to door suffering from “fear of man” and thought they could be going through what I was.

  Lol, I used to wave to them when they rode past on their bikes when we were going door to door! (Though that upset one of our Hitler pioneer elders!)

  If they ever knocked on our door I would always invite them in, not to preach to them but to find out where in the USA they were from. Once they knew I was a JW, they wouldn’t try and preach, but we would just chat about life in Oz versus the US and have a coffee and chat.

  The territory I was in at the time was also the site for the biggest Mormon Church and missionary accommodation centre in Melbourne, so got to meet a lot of US missionary dudes. I also got to have a good chat with a few when I was in Japan.

  But as a religion, no never attracted to anything.................................... yet

  Mattieu.
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  8

  Womens Poem v Mens Poem

  by Mattieu in

  1. social
  2. humour

  woman's poem.

  before i lay me down to sleep,.

  i pray for a man, who's not a creep,.

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  Mattieu

  WOMAN'S POEM
  
  Before I lay me down to sleep,
  I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
  One who's handsome, smart and strong.
  One who loves to listen long,
  One who thinks before he speaks,
  One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
  I pray he's gainfully employed,
  When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
  Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
  Massages my back and begs to do more.
  Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
  Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
  I pray that this man will love me to no end,
  And always be my very best friend.
  
  
  MAN'S POEM
  
  I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a Pub and a
  golf course.
  This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.