Great post! Really enjoyed reading it. And it was so true!
I have felt in the vice spoken of, when attending meetings. I feel there is the 'wall' you mentioned. I neither feel in or out. Kind of like I'm dipping my toe in water....testing it out. Everyone is nice as pie, but I dont feel I belong there. I havent felt I belong there for at least 10yrs. I kept 'in' though, telling myself it IS the truth. And asked myself things like how could I leave and displease Jehovah? I worried too that if I did leave, would I end up like so many that leave, and go 'off the rails' as it were. The thought of leaving and defaming Jehovah's name scared me witless.
Now I am questioning myself. Is it possible to leave, yet still love Jehovah? Can I leave and still love him, but serve him in my own way - with love in my heart? Does 'wholesouled' devotion and service constitute endless meetings, field service, restrictions in daily life and the constant feeling of not being good enough or does it mean to be at peace with yourself, with those around you, to be a good person and enjoy life?
Does stopping being a JW mean doing a complete turn around and dropping God altogether? Have we been poisoned so much that we feel he doesnt exist now? Do we then openly criticise the organisation in hopes of turning others against it?
There are so many questions going through my mind. Which one am I.....what will I do....what will I believe. At this point I would like to just drop everything and have blank thoughts lol. Time to recover I suppose. I think I believe there is a God, and that his name is Jehovah. But do I believe he can only be served within the confines of the organisation? I am not so sure. Do I think he will destroy all that dont heed manmade rules of congregating and preaching? I dont know. I hope Im not alone in my questioning and discovery :)