Hi Chairman,
I relate to how you feel. I served for decades also ....RBC, district talks and departments, congregation responsibilities too many to mention, served temp at Bethel, etc.
I always felt guilty for not doing enough. I have now successfully faded for 3 years, talk with family and occasionally with friends still in. I got my two kids out and 5 grandkids. We are all living full happy lives of accomplishment without fear, guilt and being watched.
I couldn't tolerate DFing anymore, I couldn't stand the Pedophile policies, I was tired of giving talks defending stupid doctrine like dates, I was tired of parts on how to push magazines and push people to pioneer. Blood policy was wacko. I was a champion of conscience, not rules. I especially needed to start living my conscience. I couldn't sell their doctrine door to door.
When a pioneer quits, they get some sympathy. When an elder quits....it is assumed that he must be a bum. I am sorry for the feelings you will have and beat yourself with, but you have to define your worth outside of the opinion of the Organization Power people. Hopefully your wife and family support you.
Many of us high profile elders defined our worth by organizational acceptance and we were proud of all we accomplished. But it is just a hamster wheel that turns faster and faster and faster.