When he died I grieved not the loss of the father I had, but the loss of the father I never had, and honestly my life didn't change for the worse because he was gone. I honestly let go of him when he shunned me. I was dead to him, he was dead to me, same with the rest of my family. I'm not going to sit around pining for people that actively shun me. I mourned their death with my shunning.
I too did this. When my family shunned me 12yrs ago (sister 10yrs ago) - I mourned all of them. In my mind that was that their 'death' and the most painful experience ever! But I got over it, I worked hard on healing, self care, therapy, and learning NOT to tolerate abuse any longer. So yes, I agree...Im not mourning my hateful sister as a person, I am mourning the loss of any chance that SHE could change, we could be sisterly and loving, and that the stupid ass dream I've always held of having my sister be my 'best friend' is gone - forever. And the realization on the flip side that if she was still alive, nothing would change. She would still be denial that SHE is the problem, she would still be shunning me, and she would still be cyber stalking me and attempting to talk bad about me to whomever would listen. I think THAT hurts more than anything...Im crying over her loss, but if the tables were turned, I guarantee she wouldn't do the same for me.
Say goodbye to the reality of who she was and who you wished she could be with the acknowledgement that she was likely doing her best. Most people, even awful people, aren't malicious, they're just messed up, broken in some way
This is what bothers me most. Because I did 'the work' years ago...when we first stopped talking. I let it all go, gave up, and I accepted that my sister - my little sister - was an adult who CHOSE not to have me in her life. She chose to make this decision to be separate and not include me in she or her childs life. But that like I said in my original post, I always knew my sister was hurting...there was some mental battle she was always fighting, and that battle tended to spill outward (onto those closest to her). I watched my parents kiss her ass when she cussed them out in front of people, I witnessed her doing some of the vilest things at their expense - and them just shrugging their shoulders in exhaustion. I remember asking my mom one day "why...why do you all tolerate her nonsense?" My mother told me that all parents know when their child is 'sick' (or off), and so they overcompensate for THAT child, as a protection for them, and because they feel guilty. That is the reason my sister got away with all her torture. Oddly enough if you asked my sister who my parents favored, she would tell you it was ME (but I was the good kid, the responsible kid, the one who didn't need constant parental attention or help because I was 'ok'). But the reality of our family dysfunction was that she was the needy one, and her behavior always solidified that she got most of the attention. SMH...sad to look at it from the outside in, and realize that my sister has NO clue that she was rotten apple. Even as kids though, I knew my sis just wanted to be loved. I think she had maybe 2 boyfriends her entire life (one of them being her kids father) - and even he got away from her and now is happily married with a family of his own. She was obese all her life, and her mental illness made being her friend hard - so she didn't have many of those either. The last few years of her life she was dependent on our parents and lived with them (due to her illness), so Im assuming that loss of freedom just sent her over the edge. I understand why she was lonely and that her hurt ran deep, but I also understand that I NEVER deserved to be her punching bag.