Without knowing why, I went through a bout of unexplained anxiety attacks after I turned 40. (very unpleasant and debilitating) Looking back now, I realize that this was my subconscious coming to grips with the reality that I wasn't actually going to live forever like I had been told I would since childhood. Instead of realizing that fact gradually over a lifetime, I had to do it in a relatively short time period. I realized that I never even would have expected to live forever had this notion not been planted in my head by others and this made me angry. I also realized that while I beleived in everlasting life, at the same time I didn't beleive it would really happen. What I really beleived is that I SHOULD beleive in everlasting life and I SHOULD want to live forever. What a releif it was to finally get rid of that notion along with the notion that for life to be enjoyable, it needed to have some grand purpose. Even with a grand purpose, why did God need to create someone to worship him...how would that make my life seem more meaningful? I don't want to die in a violent way but I also can't imagine being trapped into eternal life just because I was the winner, among thousands of sperm cells that were competing to fertalize an egg in my mothers body 40 some years ago, that I should expect to continue to exist for all eternity. My existence is too random to have such a high expectation. After all, had my parents gone to bed 5 minutes sooner or later, I wouldn't even exist....someone else would. I am glad that I'm here and I'm glad that I came to be in a time when there are so many ways to releive suffering. I am open to the possibility that there is more to the "big picture" than we can even imagine and I have a sense that growing old might look worse than it really is. Afterall, if 25 years ago, I woke up at my present age, I'd would have been horrified. But getting to this age gradually hasn't been a problem. I think wanting to live forever or being afraid of death is something that seems to be more of a problem for the young. Maybe as you grow old, it makes more sense. Being at peace with the idea that none of us is getting out of this alive, makes me feel less singled out by death. No one that has ever lived on this planet has cheated death...why should I ? It makes my current life more precious to know it is limited. Simply by not having to have an answer for all of lifes questions and not feeling as if I was born into an age old responsibility of having to warning people about some impending catastrophe or having to show them the error of their ways, has been a big relief and a freeing experience. With the constant emphasis on THE END, attending meetings was like attending a funeral 3 times a week and took most of the shine off my youth. Thankfully they werent able to vanquish entirely all of my inborn hopeful outlook. On occasion, in the wee hours of the night, those old flutterings of anxiety do arise. As the years pass, I find that I am able to dismiss them more and more easily. I have become comfortable with the idea that a certain amount of denial or the turning of a blind is perfectly acceptable for those of us who plan to be in it for the long haul.
