Hi Tsunami,
I think it's pretty common-even amongst non-JWs, to be conflicted and unsure of the future when one is preparing to graduate. You are moving on to the unknown, so to speak. You know how to be a student and what's expected of you. Becoming a professional is all new territory. It also means that society expects you to take on a different role.This can all result in having to deal with fear.
The JW angle of it all is deciding whether to stay in your town, or to move on where you can make a fresh start without their interference.It's tough enough for nonJWs to deal with this juncture with their family's support. It's harder when your family is part of the problem. But Tsunami, you DO have an inner strength to tap into.Its the same strength that allowed you to be courageous enough in the past to examine the JW doctrine and history.
Be gentle with yourself as you contemplate these changes. Then feel the fear and do it anyway
As far as feeling disdain for religion-it's perfectly NORMAL to feel disdain for something that causes you pain!You are grieving, and anger and blame are a part of that process for most people.And take it from me, ex JWs are NOT the only ones who feel that way. It's not as if you are going to take the leap away from the JWs and end up in a world where everyone else is religious. Also, you can feel disdain for something, while still allowing others the right to love what you hate (it takes a little while to be able to do this, after being a member of the "us against them" JWs, but it WILL happen with time).
By the way, congratulations for getting to THIS point! Education is so important, and you are well on your way to acheiving that goal. Just take it step by step and slow down emotionally when it all starts feeling like too much to handle. LOL, and the run is probably the BEST thing you could've done for yourself-keep that up, too.
