First of all, thank you all so much for the warm welcome and plentiful comments. I am more than relieved to see that this isn't a "pro JW" site and that in fact, it's largely the opposite. When I said "despite my personal opinions", what I was disguising was the urge to stand up on a virtual soapbox and proclaim how I too feel that JWs is a cult sect, and express my deep anxieties about the damage it can do to someone such as my already emotionally unstable son.
I want to add that he is in counseling at this time, however I am not sure it does much good. The counselor's nice and all; I've attended with him a few times, but he seems more like a "buddy" counselor that a "let's really get into the meat of your issues, like it or not" counselor.
I brought up JW in a counseling session actually, and even the counselor said uh, no, those elders probably did NOT tell her it was okay but only if the husband knows, etc. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that if JW are strict about everything, even as one of you said sending chaperones on dates, they're surely not going to condone a long-distance "intimate" friendship when she's married. Come on. As the saying goes, I might have been born at night, but not LASTNIGHT, lol. The counselor also told him, "How do you know she's not okay with her life how it is? She gets the best of both worlds! She chats with you, you make her laugh, make her feel good, love her unconditionally and all that. Then she goes and gets into bed with her husband and gets to go out into her everyday world and say hey, this is my family..... while you have nothing." I mean hello, isn't that a wake up call? Well again, to cite a cliche, denial is more than a river in Egypt.
I've said to him, as far as her personally, I don't "hate" her. I don't know her from anyone, you know? She might be an awesome person..... but what I do know is that love ... Real Love is not what she is giving him, nor herself, nor her child, nor her husband, nor, if it's important to her, her church. I've said, "If she LOVES you.... she would care about you so much, so infinitely, that she would say hey, listen... I do love you. I do want to be with you. I want you to be in my daughter's life because you're a wonderful man. Because I care about you, I want to get my act together over here on my end, and darling, I want you to do the same. I want you to get better counseling maybe or even inpatient treatment if you need it, but please, because I love you, love yourself more. Get help and grow so we can grow together. On my end, I need to make decisions about where I'm going before I can decide where we're going, and I need space to do that. Because I know you love me as much as I love you, I know you'll understand."
My question to him - and the counselor's question in agreement to what I just said to him - was "So why doesn't that happen?"
One reason... -sigh- She's on antidepressants too. I'm sure - I mean again I don't know her but there has got to be some degree of similar mental problems with her as are with my son. They feed off one another's desperation, and you know, that's so sad. I just don't know what to do. I've got this woman's e-mail address and I thought deeply about e-mailing her and just basically telling her what she would say if she really did love him. In some ways I think she'd be easy enough in that way to get off his back, but I also know she'd tell my son and I fear that would literally lead to self harm or who knows, even pursue the veiled threats he's made toward me should I do something of the sort. Even if neither of these things happened, I feel that he wouldn't forgive me and both Buddha and Jehovah know that I've already made horrendous mistakes as a mother that have probably led him to be right where he is now. The last thing I want is more suffering for him because of me, even if it would be in the name of trying to do the right thing.
PS: I mentioned to a friend that I'd thought of contacting the JW here that he goes to and filling them in on the situation. What would that do?