re. Diogenesister’s post…
Ugh, jeezus… “perfection”…
…perfection was my carrot.
As a kid, I always felt super-embarrassed whenever I got something wrong or made a mistake (especially if it resulted in mocking or scorn), and the JW grownups in my life would always say “we all make mistakes, we’re imperfect” (emphasis mine), so I naturally grew up thinking that “perfection” (i.e. the opposite of imperfection, obv) meant never getting anything wrong or making mistakes, and therefore never having to feel embarrassed again…
…or, really, never having anyone be able to mock or criticize me and make me feel bad anymore (and also, be smart and really good-looking, because I thought those things would keep me from feeling bad, too).
This, plus a handful of other reasons, basically (mis)led me to grow up thinking that I was somehow more “imperfect” than the majority of other people (seriously), which in turn made me quietly desperate to be “perfect” some day…
…i.e. my carrot.
This idea lasted well into my 20s, until three things happened…
…first, the shocking realization that in the adult world (the one that actually counts), the vast majority on people are not the sociopathic assholes I’d had to go to school with for the previous decade-or-so, and therefore, not looking for every available opportunity to pounce on my “flaws”, broadcast them to the world, and make me feel like hammered shit over and over again…
…second, my father explaining to me that the “perfection” promised in the New System was actually “spiritual” perfection (whatever that meant), as opposed to being, for all intents and purposes, Superman (this was a very dismaying moment at the time, needless to say, because how the fuck was that supposed to help me not feel bad?)…
…and third, a semi-related conversation with a fellow I’d known a while, wherein he happened to mention how he happened to view “perfection” (hint: not like me)…
…all of which, together, led me to the gobsmacking conclusion that “perfection” (whatever it was) was so subjective that, for all intents and purposes…
…there was no such thing.
Once I got over that shock, I (surprisingly, at the time) actually felt better… or at least, relieved, because I no longer felt burdened with hoping and wishing for something that simply didn’t exist.
(Note: there were other things that helped, too, but that’s another story.)