Unfortunately I've had extensive experience with persons who have contemplated suicide, who have attempted it, and those who have carried it out recently. I'm really glad you are openly talking about the subject, because that in itself is a healthy act.
Invariably the person is ill and often does not recognize it. Not crazy, ill. Whether it is merely an imbalance of neurological transmitters caused by something chemical or medical, or caused by faulty thought processes fostered/made worse by a religious group, makes no difference. That person needs help, and friends are sometimes unable to reach such a one.
Do you really believe a legalistic God would say, "Well, too bad for that one. S/he broke a law. Gone forever." That's not the message I read in the the life of Jesus. What do you think?
The person inclined to suicide often feels that just to be numb in death would be wonderful. Easier to contemplate a resurrection. Yet you have to think about being robbed in not seeing future grandchildren or other good events in the future, or frankly robbing others by depriving loved ones of your company. They will not be better off.
During the time period of building self-esteem and getting healthy again, there may be grave risk to the deeply depressed. That's why therapists often work with persons to put them on medications that do not tranquilize but rather work with the specific chemical imbalance. There are many newer and more specific products than the first generation of Prozac types that can be selected to individual need. Remeron, for example, is one that seems to do well with alcoholics. Others do better in helping with obsessive rumination. I'll not name others of the newer families, but old standbys like Zoloft or Paxil or Wellbutrin or ... Do get some professional help on this from your therapist.
And if you do have suicidal thoughts, it is okay to discuss them; dangerous to you and your family if you do not. Suicide happens when the pain of hanging on is worse than the pain of letting go. There is a thread here on that subject, maybe someone else can pull it up.
Meantime, we are just very happy you are sharing here. You certainly are not dominating the board here, but you represent the very reason many of us spend our time here when we could be with family or friends, or whatever.
I can tell you from personal experience that there are tens of thousands of persons who are just like you. That's not to say you are not unique, but to note that the dynamics of the organization has an effect on many of us just as you so honestly and openly speak about.
Whether posters here are Christian, nonChristian, atheistic or agnostic, we are one when it comes to compassion for persons such as you. Take advantage of our desire to help.
Know what, don't trust anyone who says they have definitive answers to life. The big secret that we may learn if we are lucky is that the joy is in the journey. No matter if you can't see it today, there is always some way out of life's dilemma. And that WILL appear, unless you harm yourself.
My very best,
Maximus
