This graph perfectly sums up the borg's way (and any other cult, for that matter) of blaming the victim. If you are leaving, it is YOUR fault. If you are abused, YOU must have done something wrong. OMG, we are so good at that and internalize it so readily! GOOD ONE!
Tapioca
JoinedPosts by Tapioca
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20
Has anyone else experienced this?
by ToesUp inmy spouse and i have faded 4+ years ago.
we know the jw rumor mill has gotten back to our family that we no longer attend.
most of our family is out of state.
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Tapioca
They might be "old school." This would be a throw-back to another, previous time when shunning a family member meant that you wouldn't speak with them as a spiritual equal...nothing about KH, doctrine, etc. This is the tactic my family used. I would hear them gossiping about the rest of the Jdubs in another room, out of my earshot (but not quite). This was during the 80s when things were much more relaxed.
When you have an entire family in the cult, this can be pretty comfortable b/c you don't have to immediately replace all your community of support. It gave me time to stand on my own and to fade. I don't care what their reason was--I was always glad that I could speak with my parents and grandparents. They are long gone now.
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An update
by WeatherLover ini told my parents that i was considering taking some college classes, (of course they think that i mean at the community college) and that it would be a good idea for me to take the act (which i took on the 8th of this month).
i'm trying to take baby steps so it won't be a big shock to them all at once.
and just to make something clear, i'm not planning on starting college this fall, but instead i have my sights set on next year.. p.s.
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Tapioca
Excellent! Keep up the good work toward your scholastic and life goals. And thank you for making an update so that we can note (and applaud!) your progress. Make good use of your winning ways to win even more...scholarships included!
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At This Point In Time How Would You Feel If You Were Disfellowshipped?
by minimus inbefore my mother's death, it would have impacted me.
now , i wouldn't care..
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Tapioca
Before my mother's death, it would have impacted me. Now , I wouldn't care. ---minimus
This sums it up for me. Even though my father was never a JDub, he was supportive of Mother. Because they are both gone, I have a great deal more freedom. I can make the snarky comment or expose my own beliefs to other members of the family. Some of them are real a&&holes, so it doesn't really matter to me that they ignore our section of the family. On the other hand, I have been able to bring up some issues to some of the thinking ones of the family and we have had good discussions. I really try to leave the Dubs who are so very fragile alone. If I think there is an opening, though, I really go for it! LOL
One of the greatest joys of my life is that none of my children are involved in the cult. As TU sez: Contentment and happiness come from within. If someone (family or friends) no longer wants to be in our life, then they can hit the exit.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm totally a coward in that I wouldn't really "take a stand" to Mother. In my opinion, she was one of the "fragile ones." There are people who just don't want to see what monumental mistakes they've made in life. They don't want to face the loss of all their pretty dreams for the future. The lives that have been shattered due to false teachings and the judgments from men whose brains are the size of a lima bean...what a waste, what a waste. I have appreciated being on this forum because all kinds of differing viewpoints are represented with a general acceptance of all. Someone asking for advice is bound to get opposite points of view and that can be really helpful. It's a comfort to know that others have struggled with these issues, continue to do so, and in some cases, have overcome the challenge and are truly FREE.
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My son was accepted to prestigious universities
by never a jw insome background needed.
five years ago i decided to research what i thought was a good religion, the religion of my jw wife, to whom i have been married for almost 23 years.
what prompted my research was my then 14 y.o.
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Tapioca
Excellent, NAJ! Really stellar! My higher ed experience is on the east coast, so I will allow others with more relevant intel to step up here. How could either be wrong, though? When my daughters chose east coast universities, it seemed like a long way from home but they turned out to be very successful decisions. A tip of the hat to you and your family!
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Feeling the Guilt
by Saethydd ini'm currently disfellowshipped and living at home with my parents, but because they are both still devout jws i have to keep going to the meetings and crap because i don't want to risk getting thrown out until i finish college or find a job that will let me support myself and go to college.. yesterday, my mother rode with me to the meeting and told me how much my best friend and my oldest sister are missing me, and it just tears me apart because during the meeting i was practically counting the minutes till it was over.
it didn't help matters that i had to sit with my family because the library was closed off, thus forcing me to follow along with the meeting on my tablet instead of reading something useful or interesting like i normally do.. when i got home i just cried out in frustration because it feels like no matter what i do, i am making the wrong choice.
either i have to keep pretending to support an organization that has caused so much pain to so many people, or i have to abandon my family and friends to it so i can save myself.
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Tapioca
What the emperor sez: You're smart, you've figured this out young.
Might I add that it is a false dichotomy that you only have two choices: Either I have to keep pretending to support an organization that has caused so much pain to so many people, or I have to abandon my family and friends to it so I can save myself. There are many gradients in between those two polar opposites. You're smart. You're young, you can figure the rest of this out. Your situation is like no one else's and yet, it's like all of our own experiences. Take the advice here that helps you. Leave the rest. We're all supportive. Think of your many alternate paths out...and yes, get that education. You're smart. You've figured this out young.
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Ask a Brother, Tell a Sister
by Tapioca ini have been faded for years and years.
no one cares about my standing in the christian congregation any more.
so one day, my husband came up with this won-der-ful idea for a jdub button.
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Tapioca
Sorry for confusion! Yes, SBF, it's a badge or something like a political message or electioneering slogan. Hubby and I think it is funny that the old male white borg would approach a man (follower/leader, doesn't matter) differently than a woman. After living in that cult for many, many years, I feel strong for being able to poke fun at their obvious prejudice.
So the punch line is that appealing to a male of the species takes more energy (requires thoughtful consideration) than appealing to a female of the species. She can just be told what to do. There. Everything fine. Smiddy has it. The boys have all the answers and the girls have s#@*t.
BCat, I never thought about wearing my imaginary button; however, you bring up a good point. I don't go to KH anymore but yes I wonder how long it would take and who would approach you to remove a "controversial" scriptural reminder!
Again, thanks all!
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Ask a Brother, Tell a Sister
by Tapioca ini have been faded for years and years.
no one cares about my standing in the christian congregation any more.
so one day, my husband came up with this won-der-ful idea for a jdub button.
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Tapioca
I have been faded for years and years. No one cares about my standing in the Christian congregation any more. So one day, my husband came up with this WON-DER-FUL idea for a JDub button. Yep, you guessed it! "Ask a Brother, Tell a Sister!" Sheer genius.
I thought of it again today when I noticed the pictures of old white men as leadership. I was looking through the post about upcoming tours at SeaOrg, I mean Watchtower HQ.
Thanks to so many for so much support over the past few years. And I'm pleased to report that I've worked at helping others help themselves effect their own exit--so much more satisfying that going door-to-door, eh?!
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The Timing of Telling My Parents My College Plans.
by WeatherLover ini know that at some point i have to tell my parents that i'm planning to go to college.
i basically have two options:.
1. tell them early.
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Tapioca
If you are in the USA, there should be a community college nearby that will help you obtain transferable credits to the 4-year program. Such an interim plan might save you thousands of dollars in the long run. Are you taking any AP or IB course which will exempt you from remedial or even intro courses which would help speed your completion rate? Carla has a good idea plus you need to develop a good relationship with HS counselors who will help you ID and compete for the local contests Carla mentions.
Meeting attendance for >2yrs while not believing is rough. You might be able to continue to be flexible with this as it could protect your maj med/healthcare insurance for the next several years. Complete a FAFSA asap. It will give you the EFC (expected family contribution) regarding your higher education. You can always update it as needed.
This is important. This is your future. Again, know your options, don't be afraid to be clever and innovative with your solutions, and keep your eye on that prize!
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The Timing of Telling My Parents My College Plans.
by WeatherLover ini know that at some point i have to tell my parents that i'm planning to go to college.
i basically have two options:.
1. tell them early.
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Tapioca
1. How old are you now and how old will you be when you start college?
2. Are you baptized?
3. Why do you have to stop going to all the meetings if you are going to college. The two are not mutually exclusive and your parents could very well be helped by your attending once in a while, even if you do not like it.
4. Simon has a great suggestion for opening the discussion.
5. Do you have somewhere else to go in the meantime? Would your parents "kick" you out, or would they take the tack of trying to keep you close so that they could run interference if possible?
6. MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL: Good for you for considering your options in an attempt to maximize your success and minimize the hurt to your parents. Do you think one or the other of them might secretly wish for you to obtain a college education?