Posts by Mimilly

7

Dropping by...

by Mimilly in

jw
friends

... to say hello to one and all.. i received a couple emails last night from a couple of posters here wondering how i'm doing.

happy to say, much better than before.

i managed to catch the flu and was out of it for a few weeks - working at a call center is comparable to working at a germ factory.

I received a couple emails last night from a couple of posters here wondering how I'm doing. Happy to say, much better than before. I managed to catch the flu and was out of it for a few weeks - working at a call center is comparable to working at a germ factory.

I haven't dealt with 'hubby'. Out of sight, out of mind is fine for me when it comes to him. I actually have a new guy in my life, a real sweetheart. We've agreed to keep things noncommital. He lives across the street from work so with the weather here, I've been staying there when going home is treacherous.

My girls are doing great. Shelene has her braces finally. Beth decided to get her butt signed by a band last weekend. ... sheesh. Permanent marker no less!

I haven't been online very much, nor on the site - but would like to say hello to all those I've missed meeting and greeting.

For those nearest and dearest to me (and you all know who you are), big hugs and kisses. While I haven't been here, I carry you with me, and there are many times those thots of you carry me.

love and hugs,

Mimilly/Salem of the can't wait for Spring to arrive class

36

Nearly died/motivational quotes needed

by Mimilly in

jw
friends

on january 1st, after a week of no sleep, working through xmas and its stress and months of marital super-stress i walked into my room and gave up.

i told god that if he wanted to step in, to do so now, as otherwise im going.

i sat down and swallowed a brand new prescription of valium 10mg as well as clonadine, also a new prescription.

Mimilly

Beck - honey, I knew where your words were coming from. It's just hard to face the reality of it. Don't be so hard on yourself. I too, had a very close friend succeed in suicide (due to the troof). I was never angry at her though as I knew how hard she had tried and how little the elders helped. But that is the diff here - we only know each other thru words and not daily trials and stresses.

Dede - I promise. I think its a 'miracle' I'm still alive and I know I pushed myself too far - way too far. I know your mom found peace and I know, being a mom of a teen, that she at that time was made to feel, or honestly felt that you would be better off without her. It isn't the truth of course, as you were and are devastated. Yet in an ill person's mind, especially over time and without proper care - which the elders wouldn't allow her - she saw only one way out of the pain. It wasn't that she didn't love you or that you did something wrong. She saw no way out of what was going on inside of her and was trapped to boot.

I went to work tonight, was tired but received humongous hugs from lots of people, which was super nice. I will be seeking any kind of therepy I can - social worker, doctor, employee program - the works. I realize that I need to live for me. I've bought some new clothes wth the sales, new makeup and will get a membership at the sports stadiuim. My girls are important, but I can't be there for them if I don't look after me - so I'm looking after me now, and it's going to take some getting use to.

I thank you all for your words and quotes. I really am going to write them down and post them around the house. Each is profound, even the one one poster found in my own words.

I love this place. This is home to me. I promise to reach out. At the time I had nothing left in me to reach out with. I've never hit bottom so hard and I don't plan to do it ever again. No way.

Again - I'm sorry for what I did. It's great to be alive and I feel different inside in a wonderful way. It's sad that it took this to accomplish that sense of peace. I guess Im that stubborn and it got the best of me....literally.

love and hugs to all of you,

Mim / Salem

36

Nearly died/motivational quotes needed

by Mimilly in

jw
friends

on january 1st, after a week of no sleep, working through xmas and its stress and months of marital super-stress i walked into my room and gave up.

i told god that if he wanted to step in, to do so now, as otherwise im going.

i sat down and swallowed a brand new prescription of valium 10mg as well as clonadine, also a new prescription.

Mimilly

Beck and Kelpie -

I know you both mean very well, but had I been 'thinking' instead of snapping - it never would've happened. I loathe what I did. It was stupid, selfish, inconsiderate and worth saying again -stupid.

I didn't plan it - I literally snapped. The only thots were that I needed out of the pain and that my girls needed better than me. I'd tried for so long living for others and I drained completely. I've never hit bottom like this before. I could not take one more minute of the pain I was living with and couldn't handle, but had carried for so long for the sake of others. I cannot live for the sake of others. Yes, I must remember them - but I have to live for me or else I will lose who I am and become a martyr, something I've always hated.

With the nicest sincerity - the last thing I need to hear right now is to ignore myself and live for others. That is merely one of the things that drove me over the cliff emotionally.

I love you both tho. I appreciate your thots and understand the meaning behind them, but believe me, I am aware of my kids now that I've returned and I feel horrible. No one can be harder on me than me. Especially regarding this. But in my own defense - this has been building and because of living for others, I had no time to reach out. Any down time was a numb out for the purpose of escape. I didn't plan this. I honestly did not. It just happened. I wrote the letter to my kids on my wall after I'd taken the pills realizing I needed to tell them mom couldn't take the pain anymore and that I'd tried, was just hurting all the time and that they had already done so much better than me. That it wasn't their fault. That mommy is sorry for giving up.

mim

36

Nearly died/motivational quotes needed

by Mimilly in

jw
friends

on january 1st, after a week of no sleep, working through xmas and its stress and months of marital super-stress i walked into my room and gave up.

i told god that if he wanted to step in, to do so now, as otherwise im going.

i sat down and swallowed a brand new prescription of valium 10mg as well as clonadine, also a new prescription.

Mimilly

Again,thank you all. I've decided not to go to work tonight. Im losing my balance again and am very very tired. So I will rest. I am very touched by your replies - and UGG.... yes I will put that on my wall hon

As I've said before - this place is very much home to me. Had I been thinking clearly I would've reached out - but I snapped - no thots necessary for that.

I also thank those who sent emails. Please note my new email addy on my profile for those who know the older one.

I love all of you.

Mim/Salem

36

Nearly died/motivational quotes needed

by Mimilly in

jw
friends

on january 1st, after a week of no sleep, working through xmas and its stress and months of marital super-stress i walked into my room and gave up.

i told god that if he wanted to step in, to do so now, as otherwise im going.

i sat down and swallowed a brand new prescription of valium 10mg as well as clonadine, also a new prescription.

Mimilly

Thank you all for your replies. I'll be writing them all down.

I've decided not to go to work tonight - still losing my balance and extremely tired as well as on the verge of tears (a good bawl) out of the gravity of being in a coma; out of what I did, and this new peace within to meditate on. Something horrid in me died, but I didn't. Some higher power obviously stepped in.

All of your words and quotes and sites are touching me greatly. A thank you doesn't express how I feel for your replies, but it will have to do as the english language sometimes fails to express an emotion exactly as it is felt.

with much love,

Mimilly/Salem

36

Nearly died/motivational quotes needed

by Mimilly in

jw
friends

on january 1st, after a week of no sleep, working through xmas and its stress and months of marital super-stress i walked into my room and gave up.

i told god that if he wanted to step in, to do so now, as otherwise im going.

i sat down and swallowed a brand new prescription of valium 10mg as well as clonadine, also a new prescription.

Mimilly

Thank you for your replies. I'll be out most of the day and work tonight (not looking forward to that,but oh well) I'll keep checking back - and I appreciate your replies.

Love Mim

36

Nearly died/motivational quotes needed

by Mimilly in

jw
friends

on january 1st, after a week of no sleep, working through xmas and its stress and months of marital super-stress i walked into my room and gave up.

i told god that if he wanted to step in, to do so now, as otherwise im going.

i sat down and swallowed a brand new prescription of valium 10mg as well as clonadine, also a new prescription.

Mimilly

On January 1 st , after a week of no sleep, working through xmas and its stress and months of marital super-stress I walked into my room and gave up. I told God that if he wanted to step in, to do so now, as otherwise Im going.

I sat down and swallowed a brand new prescription of valium 10mg as well as clonadine, also a new prescription. While nearing the end of this, being chased with a vodka cooler, I called Lloyd hubby living with his girlfriend and told him I wanted HIM to speak to me until I passed out.

I wrote a letter to my girls with a huge marker on my bedroom wall. Id snapped, completely. Little did I know that Lloyd had called the police. The dogs began barking and my Mom who was napping answered in a panic, thinking something had happened to one of my girls. Then she found out it was me, locked in my room, talking on the phone and downing pills, and yes, crying. The police broke in and immediately called the paramedics. I dont remember the paramedics coming, or being taken in the ambulance.

I was in ICU for 24 hours in a coma; they couldnt find my blood pressure; the meds had worked so fast that pumping my stomach was a no go. My potassium level was 3, dangerously low. Apparently while my Mom and daughter Beth were visiting me there, I opened my eyes and said Why dont you both just leave and closed my eyes. I dont remember. I had been in a coma and when I awoke for minutes infrequently, I was tangled in wires and lines, machines blipping and beeping all around me. I felt no fear.

Then I was transferred to the NS Mental Health Hospital Short Stay Unit. I dont remember that. They couldnt find my blood pressure for three days and when they did it was 90/58. They tried shouting at me to wake up, but they couldnt wake me and wondered why on earth did ICU ship me out to them so soon.

I finally woke up and was drunk-like, couldnt walk straight at all for another two days. When I found out all that had transpired, I was devastated. I scared everyone I loved, and I terrified myself. I wanted to end the pain not die. Yet the letter on my wall indicates I wanted death. Death to pain? I dont know.

What I do know is Im very glad to be alive. Whatever happened while in that coma has changed me. I feel no anger toward my husband and his girlfriend. There is a peace within me that hasnt been there in decades. Let me be realistic here I saw no bright light (except the ones in the ICU) and I heard no voices.

Ive made goals for myself. Meetings with the social worker; signing up for membership at the sports stadium; posting motivational quotes etc around my home; walking my dogs regularly and eating properly as well as taking my meds according to the prescription. No more winging it, pushing it, overdoing it, running myself over with my own doings.

I feel teary today and Im returning to work tonight. My friends have been great, but especially my mom and my treasures, Beth and Shelene. I know a darn good cry is coming for what I did to those who love me and for what I nearly accomplished. I feel ashamed and stupid. In my own defense, I know well that I snapped. I did not plan this at all I just snapped.

I will never again return to that place as I will scream out to take me to the hospital before I even reach for pills. The only happiness in this saga is that Im alive, have learned my lesson, and this incredible peace is inside me- which I cant explain but am grateful for.

I was very close to death so anyone thinking of it get help NOW. I would also like it if you could add motivational sayings to my collection for me to put up on my walls.

Joy thank you for your email; it was timely and perfect.

Love and hugs, Salem/Mimilly

Edited by - Mimilly on 7 January 2003 10:39:27

Edited by - Mimilly on 7 January 2003 20:33:15

1

To mimilly

by Cyn in

i apologize......... i just now saw your post...................i am not too swift nowadays.......... thank you for your response i think it would be helpful to get money saving ideas ....it may even be a good topic here on the board...................you can write a book....or website.................one never knows............ .

thank you again............... warm regards,.

cyn

Mimilly

Cyn - no prob hon. This board is rather large, and I did post that after the thread had slowed down. My new email is posted on my profile.

((((((((Cyn))))))))

Mimilly

22

Looking Back, Were You Easy Prey For The Witnesses

by minimus in

jw
friends

based upon your life and circumstances, were you easy prey for witnesses to get to you with their message?

were you going thru some trauma or bad times?

Mimilly

Easy prey? Hell yes! Lessee here... I was 17, just got married, just had first baby, moved 5000 miles away from home to a country that speaks German, no friends, and hubby away for most of the time on military exercises. Can you say "Sitting Duck" - when I answered the door to their love bombing?

If that wasn't enough - my history of loving holidays was already tarnished by my father who never wanted me in the first place. Every holiday was ruined in true traumatic fashion, so I liked the idea of no holidays and a God that actually wanted me.

Yep, I was plucked and ripe for the picking when they came to the door.

Mimilly (ps: new email addy in my profile)

Edited by - Mimilly on 21 December 2002 1:42:15

15

Revenge, should I or shouldn't I.............

by Delite2k in

hey everyone, i haven't been here in a while, but i thought i'd drop by say hello and ask a silly question.

i still think about my ex (a jw) still, but i'm also angry with him for hurting me emotionaly and somewhat spiritualy.

(you can read my old post under this name to get an idea of what i talked about before) i feel like i want to get him back for the way he's made me feel.

Mimilly

Wow! How I fantasize about getting even with my husband. But it has to stay in fantasy land. Revenge only sounds sweet on this side of the fence. After taking your revenge, it won't feel any better. It won't make the anger go, won't make the pain subside. You stand the chance of feeling worse - and all because of him.

Allow yourself to be angry - get a punching bag and pretend it's him. While you kick the crap out of it - scream everything you'd ever wanted to tell him.

Another idea is to turn the negative feelings around. "Ok, I'm pissed, angry to the core, but I will not sink to his level. I will not give him that kind of power over me to turn me into the kind of person I would not want to be" That way, you are giving yourself permission to be angry, which is human, but taking the power away from him in how you deal with it.

I write in a journal, draw pictures of my feelings, write poetry or blast angry music. Anger is energy and must be used or it builds. (you know - the passive aggressive thing where it will build up and then the tiniest thing will make us do something we'll regret)

Express yourself as often as possible. Often, we need an ear to vent to, and we're definitely here for you. But draw a line on the revenge thing. It is the grass is greener on the other side sort of thing - and we all know it isn't. Leave it as a fantasy.

I also like using the Serenity Prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (you can't change him) - The courage to change the things I can (you can change how you handle things) - and the wisdom to know the difference. (foresight instead of hindsight about our actions)

Been there, and still am there at times. Hope this helps.

hugs, Mimilly