Lifeistooshort- Please will you take things easy and calm down, as your username points out, "lifeistooshort". Agreeably, Life is really too short to be spent on looking for reasons to justify our irrational behaviour. Deep down my heart, I wept profusely reading all you went through, But note this, the reasons for those difficulties were not because you were one of Jehovah's witnesses, it wasnt because you were encouraged at the meetings to spend your time in this never-to-be-repeated assignment, it wasnt because the Jehovah's witnesses are under some kind of constant pressure, No!. It was just part of the hurdles we have to face as tenants of this mysterious life. Either you are in the organisation or not you wouldnt have escaped depression neither would you have escaped panic attacks, being a witnesses would rather better empower you to face those challenges more smootly.
Now you asked a question that I would like to address, "How could you have shut your brain from thinking". Although, it is not possible to pretend not knowing what you already knew, but reasoning on the following sound logic could have helped you:
1) Remembering that spiritual activites(The JW style) are necessary but not obligatory. They are mandatory for keeping God close to our hearts constantly but not a prerequisite to pleasing God. If you had reported only 15mins every month, you could still remain an active publisher in good standing.
2) In our local branch office here, we have received numerous reports from pioneers in the circuit who are currently experiencing "severe burn out" and had to quit temporarily. They were not scolded neither were they castigated, No!. The were even sent a personal letter from the branch to remind them of the need to keep the spirit and encourage new ones, Some of their experiences were even used on the circuit assembly programs to encourage other brothers and sisters. That being said, the fact that you had to deal with multiple complications all at the same time may seem frustrating to you but you need to remember that these problems are all tests of our faith. We are at war with the chief adversary of God and we need to fight the battle to the finish. We have so many tools at our disposal only if we are willing to utilise them.
3) I have said this before and I will repeat it again, Nowadays, Jehovah has not promised to do any miracle for us neither does He shield us from personal attacks, all He promised us is strenght to endure if we are determined to remain faithful.
4) Instead of coming on JWN to check out shady and scandalous information, you could have waited on Jehovah and see him intervene in your behalf.
Please note this, Ray was my very good friend before He died, I even stayed by him through out the period of his spiritual onslaught, I am constantly using his experience to remind lurkers that our beloved Ray Franz didnt take rash decisions even while the tsunami was approaching, Rather, He maintained his tranquility until He could no longer help himself. So, WHy should anyone think He or She would confidently spit on the organisation and not expect to inhale the harzadous air?. Lurkers must view all current challeges and disturbing thoughts as part of their spiriual growth not as a medium to bully Jehovahs's wife(His earthly organisation).
Once again, my heart goes out to you. Take care