perhaps i THINK TOO MUCH!
You hit the nail right on the head there.
This is probably why you have such a difficult time not abusing your Valium. Sometimes I toss and turn all night. Getting up, checking my farmville game on FB, trying to sleep again, getting up and playing Harvest Moon, trying to sleep again. Anything to shut my mind the hell up. I bet you have very deep philosophical conversations with yourself, don't you? "Blah, blah, blah..blarbity..what then? What then?" Am I close to the mark? And other nights you have to get up because you're very excited and enthused about something your mind was wheeling on about.
If I'm correct in my guess, you probably think around corners so fast that you bump right back into yourself rounding the last corner! And getting caught up in cyclic thoughts, spinning your gears till you blow a head gasket. And then flump! You crash and feel like there's no solution to anything, everything's pointless and nothing matters.
I've been to the nut hut 10 times since the age of 19 for suicidal ideations.
I also hear you on the not dating bit too. I haven't had anything like real sex in 7 years. My ex stopped having sex with me before we split up for a year due to his own hangups. I had a brief affair, then we moved up north here in PA, USA. Five years of separation and one year of being divorced and I still can't be bothered with the annoyance of dating even though I'm lonely for companionship and touch starved for hugs, cuddling and sex. Mostly on account of still being hung up on my ex, who would gladly have what amounts to a sexless, live apart relationship. He is my best friend now that we've been separated and divorced.
I cant relate to the cutting. I tried it one time and that only to see what the fuss was all about. I'm way too much of a wuss. Don't berate yourself for cutting, but do try to seek help for it.
You sound to me as though you may have Borderline Personality Disorder and perhaps manic depressive as well. Double whammy.
I wish I could tell you how to properly use your Valium, but I've never had a problem taking my xanax as prescribed. You probably need to not be taking them, since you have relief for five days and then suffer the rest of the month. I was that way with pain killers.
Here's a song I bet you'd like and be able to relate to. It's kind of depressing, but I love to listen to it when I feel down on myself. Probably doesn't help me much, but it's music. *shrugs*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_eOmvM-4zc&ob=av2e
And having listened to that, here's something absolutely stunning and beautiful to bring you up!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WhWDCw3Mng
Message me privately if you need someone to talk to. :)